Monday, March 16, 2009
messed up day
Change of any kind seems to stress me out to the max, but I'm having a hard time letting go of my current business. For the last two years I might not have been making much money, but I wasn't at the mercy of some idiotic district sales manager and I could write my own schedule. Now, even though I'm excited about earning a regular paycheque, I'm back to worrying about company expectations.
It's not just their expectations, but my own. I'm worried about my age and the dress code, I'm worried about being sent away for a month, I'm worried that Jamie won't find work, I'm worried that the bills won't get paid if I'm gone. I'm worried that Bill won't enforce Em's bedtime or her work chores if I'm not here. I'm worried I'll get fired in the first three months. I'm worried that they'll want me to work a lot of overtime, I'm worried I'll owe money to my old company for chargebacks after I leave, I'm worried about having to pay an extra month's rent on my office.
Anyway, all these things have been constantly going around and around and around in my mind, and today when the bank wouldn't deposit Bill's paycheque into my account so that I could make the truck payment and cover the cheque for Em's band camp, I could feel a freak out coming on, because he is about three and a half hours northwest of here and not getting home until tomorrow. They sent me from one branch to another, back to the first, over to the bank where his paycheque is drawn on, back to my own branch, then back to the other bank for a "bank draft" (because they don't "certify" funds) taking over three and a half hours of my time. In the end, he was able to stop in a town that has one our bank branches, and transfer funds.
Several times, I just couldn't stand it and had to sit in my truck and cry. On the way home, I was this close to buying a pack of cigarettes. Instead, I bought a pack of Captain Black Sweets, which are cigars made with pipe tobacco. I smoked one while I read a few journals, and my stomach (and my head) feels a bit better.
I know that I worry too much, and I'm working on it. Still, I think I could use a nap. Tomorrow will surely be better than today.