Saturday, February 28, 2009

to the polls

My favourite style of panties is a microfibre boy short, shown here in black. Obviously, this is not me, but a model. In the past I have come to appreciate thongs, but unless they're the G-string type I won't wear them. I also love cotton boyshorts, but not under jeans or skirts. They're only good with PJ's.
I love getting new undies ♥

My new poll is up, but only for a few days. Here's the results of the last poll:

How many years have you been blogging?

1 year or less - 12 (15%)
2 years - 7 (8%)
3 years - 14 (17%)
4 years - 20 (25%)
5 years or more - 26 (32%)

So the majority of my readers were quite experienced! Have a good Saturday.

erasing the past

Vine House, Victoria BC

I didn't get a lot of chance to read or write yesterday! Bill and I spent the day running errands, and he took me for lunch at a Vietnamese place. Afterward, I had an appointment with my therapist to try Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy for the PTSD.

To do this, I had to recall and describe a traumatic incident that continues to bother me. In this case, it was the day that Dale was arrested for a DUI. Jamie and I had gone to the local fair and he'd had to work, but was going to come back and join us so that he could see the Tiger exhibit. He didn't answer his cell when I tried calling in the early afternoon, but I got a frantic and angry call a few hours later.

Come and get me!

Where are you?

I dunno. I was visiting Charlie's grave, then I left and drove down Highway 21. I'm in the ditch!

How am I supposed to find you if you don't know where you are?

Get your ass in that car and come and get me!

You're going to have to turn off the ignition, sleep for an hour, then wake up and figure out where you are. Then I can come and get you.

Two hours later, Jamie and I made our way to the payphones at the fair and tried calling again. This time, an RCMP officer answered, who told me that they were taking Dale to the detachment for processing and that I could pick him up in a few hours. I took Jamie home and waited, but by the time I called they'd opened his file and discovered that he'd done weekend jail time for discharging a shotgun at my car and wouldn't let me come down. Apparently he'd been arrested by force (he had several large fist-sized bruises along his back) and they thought he'd hurt me.

I knew Dale so well that I knew he'd be extremely upset if it wasn't me that got him home. Instead, he was forced to call his mother, who drove for ninety minutes to pick him up. Eventually, I heard her car in the driveway and I told Jamie to go to her room and lock the door.

I was right.

The first thing I heard when he opened the car door was a roar, then the sound of him kicking the van. I grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and slid the door closed, locking it behind me and going out through the dining room, where I stopped and stood behind the small freezer. I placed the knife on top and covered it with a tea towel, just as I heard him come up the stairs.

He flew down the hallway, screaming for me.

You bitch, leaving me down there to rot! Where are you?!

I heard him looking in our room then trying Jamie's door handle and discovering it was locked. Then I heard him start kicking it, and I couldn't bear Jamie facing him so I had to run out into his line of vision.

Dale, I'm right here! Leave her alone, she's trying to sleep!

I had my hand over the tea towel, but didn't grasp the handle until he picked up speed. By the time he reached me, I'd had to pick it up.

Stop! I demanded. You stop right there! I don't want to have to use this but I will if you take one fucking step closer to me. I looked over and saw his mother standing at the top of the stairs. If your mother isn't going to say it, I will. You're acting crazy now! I didn't come to get you because they wouldn't let me. They said you were dangerous - are you trying to prove them right?

I must have stood there for half an hour with that knife in my hand. I don't know how it ended really because I must have blocked a lot of it out. I know he acquiessed and went over to sit down on the couch, I know I kept the knife nearby because I didn't trust him. It took another few hours for him to agree that we loved each other and that the liquor was changing who he was. He might have promised he'd quit or go to rehab but then he always did in desparate situations. Honestly, from what I have pieced together, it was around this time that he'd decided to drink himself to death. He'd made reference to Ozzie Osbourne's song, Suicide Solution several times.

So yesterday this all came out, and while I had this vivid picture in my mind she made me say (over and over) how scared I was. While I was saying how scared I was, her hand was moving back and forth like a metrodome. After that, she made me say that I was okay now and that I was over it.

I have no idea if I am or not. I didn't get teary writing about it, so maybe it really works. The whole exercise reminded me of erasing something off a chalkboard.

Today I have the day off so it'll be laundry for me. Laundry and maybe some more underwear shopping. Jamie wants to go lingerie shopping this afternoon, and I could use some too.

Hope you all have a nice weekend.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

the better to see you with, my dear

photo by Brian McMillen

This picture appeared in our local paper a few days ago. Apparently, wolves have been going on a llama killing spree about fifty miles from here.

First of all - WTH? I had no idea wolves lived around here. Maybe in the mountains, and up north (those are the huge-headed Timber wolves) but these things? Look at his eyes - he's a killer! I just think it's weird that I never knew. You'd think I would have seen one, or heard a story about one.

Do you have these where you live?


Just to add insult to injury, I've also discovered that we have wild boars. They're not native to Alberta, but were brought here in the 90's for it's meat . Over the years they've escaped and bred and now there are about a thousand of them, and (thank goodness) the majority of them live north of Edmonton, which is quite a distance from where we are. Some of the local communities are even paying a $50 bounty if you take them a set of ears!

**edit #2**

About the Llamas - we have many Llama farms around here! Llama's, Emu's and Buffalo farms are extremely popular for those farmers that don't want to run cattle.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

conversations with my mother

Three weeks ago at my Mom's house:

Mom: I think I am forgetting to give you something.
Me: I dunno.
thinking: My birthday present?
Mom: I think Steve has some trout for you.
Me: Okay, I'll, I think you and Jim gave us the trout last week. Don't worry, Mom. You'll remember half an hour after we leave. That's what happens to me.
Mom: **chuckles**

Last weekend:

Me: Hey, I like your new silver thingy.
Mom: Do you? Good! You can have it.
Me: Really?
Mom: Sure.
Me: Won't Jim get mad if you give it to me?
Mom: I think I bought it for your birthday and forgot to give it to you.
Me: Oh! Well, thank you very much. It'll go with my microwave.

I know she's eighty, but initially I was kind of sad that she'd forgotten my birthday. Turns out she was just a little behind, but still incredibly thoughtful.


This is one of my Mom's kittens, Bandit. We have all fallen in love with him! Unfortunately, we can't have two cats in the house. We already expend a lot of energy keeping Tokyo in the house (she's looking for a way out every hour of every day) and getting the cat hair off us (we shouldn't wear so much black I suppose) and Jamie does not clean the litter box when she should.

Still. Isn't he cute? He's such a boy kitty.

It's -20°C or -4°F, and snowing, but it's also Canada's favourite time of year. You never know - I could win one of the cash prizes!
Happy Humpday.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

random thoughts from the day

- I found out this morning that a man from our old social circle shot and killed his estranged wife. When I knew him, he was twenty-two and had a lot going for him. Now he's forty-eight and has three children that will never, ever be the same again. Selfish prick.

- A bank called me today to say they were passing my resume up to HR because I was over-qualified to be a teller. I called her back and left a message saying that customer service is my forte and I'd be happy to start at entry level. She's calling me tomorrow.

- The rest of the day went very well, even though my four o'clock appointment stood me up. I have three appointments for Thursday so hopefully there will be sales generated from that.

- I reached my 3700th reader today and wish I knew who the visitors were.

- Tonight I am taking Em to the mall to shop for bras and panties. You should have seen Bill's face when she asked him. Like a deer, caught in the headlights, lol!

word verification snafus

I've been trying to comment on several journals (Tammy and Bobby come to mind) but the word verification thingy is not loading. If you're considering taking those off, please rest assured that in the two months I've been here, I haven't encountered one spam comment.

Today is the second day that Bill is on vacation this week, and already I can see how difficult it's going to be when we're both retired. He completely ruins my routine, which causes me anxiety! Basically, I get up at 9:30 every day, have a shower and blog for at least an hour while I drink my coffee. When my hair is dry, I flat iron it, do my make-up and get dressed and head out the door.

This morning he got up, ran a bath, and started reading the news on the computer. I went back to bed, turned on the TV to watch Cold Case Files, but the anxiety kept building up so that forty minutes later I had to ask him to get in the damn bath because he was ruining my routine, lol.

Happy Tuesday ~

Monday, February 23, 2009

K is for Kate

Something similar going around Facebook! Jamie did one for herself the other day, and left the one for Kate in my documents because she thought it was so accurate.

Go to Urban Dictionary and search your first name. Post at least one of the search results.

Here's mine:


An easygoing, relaxed person who is the best friend anyone could ask for. Kates are often very random but are the most loyal people in the world. If ever something bothers you, Kate is the one to go to, as she will always have good advice and can make any situation less awkward by saying something totally random and usually sex-related. Her mind can be slightly sick but you love her for it.
Kates are genuinely lovely people who will always remain friends for life.

mondays always bring promise

This pic was taken two years ago, when I was forty-two. It's probably the best representation of what I look like on a regular day, including the smudged eyeliner!
In my last entry, I was asking if you ever thought back to when you were nineteen or twenty, and back then, did you imagine what you'd be like now?

I doubt that I ever did.

I probably thought that I wouldn't gain weight (which I did) or stop going out. I was the Nightclubbing Queen! But I stopped going out - thus the weight gain. On the night of my thirtieth birthday, which was celebrated at a nightclub with eleven of my youngest friends (back then, all my friends were in their early twenties) I remember posing the question, "where do forty year olds go to party?"

Looking back, it seems ridiculous, but we do have a place that the younger crowd calls the Cougar Club. Filled with 35-50 year old women getting loaded and picking up younger men, it's a place I'll gladly stay away from, unless Bill takes me. Dancing and flirting with Bill is a lot of fun.

At any rate, I am pretty happy with who I am today. I have few regrets, other than those in the financial arena that may keep me from getting into the banking industry. I think the last two years have played havoc with my credit rating, but I am not afraid of hard work, or working my way up. That's the thing aboout being tenacious - just about anything is possible, if you're willing to give it time.

Today Bill is taking me down to the office, then using my truck to drop off resumes at several locations. I have to print off resumes for another local bank that uses a central teller. Apparently, those are the only kind of bank that hires someone with a credit rating like mine!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

youth is wasted on the young

photo by

There is something so .... young about this picture, don't you think? It just seems like a compilation of all the places I've lived since I was eighteen. The type of vehicles, the rental properties.

On weekends, I would hear music coming from some of the houses, fighting from some of the others. The scent of someone BBQing pork chops would drift through the neighbourhood, mixed with the pungent aroma of someone's weed.

In a way, I miss those days.

Do you ever think back to when you were nineteen or twenty years old, and try to imagine what your reaction would be if you could see what you'd be like at forty-four? I always freak myself doing this. Imagine knowing about future relationships, or hardships. Imagine knowing what you'd look like! At the very least, I could console myself in the knowledge that I'd have good shoes.

It's not a bad day for a Sunday, although it could be warmer. It's been hovering around -10°C (or 14°F) and looks like snow. Hopefully it won't snow until we get home from visiting my mom.

Have a nice Sunday.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

diamonds are a girl's best friend

In the last few days I've decided to sell some jewelry if I can. These earrings were a gift from Dale, Christmas 1996 or 1997. I really like these because of the hinged snap back closure, and the channel set diamonds seem to go with several rings.

Normally, I wouldn't even consider selling sentimental stuff like this, but I'm a bit behind on some important bills and those have to take precendence.

Unfortunately, no one has called me for any interviews so next week I think I'll have to apply for some retail jobs. Not looking forward to that, but at this point I'll be happy with any regular income - especially with Bill's job being as precarious as it is.

Anyway, I'm off to work at the clothing store today. Maybe I'll meet someone who'll want to hire me!

Friday, February 20, 2009

she's grown a lot since then

I recently found this pic of Em from 2006. We were visiting The Enchanted Forest and couldn't pass up the chance to get her in the stocks, lol.


photo by Sherman Hines

Yesterday afternoon, Bill's supervisor ambushed him and wrote him up for a bunch of driving offenses that he didn't commit. The biggest deal is being made about him speeding, but he is not a speeder, and hasn't been for as long as I've known him.

Bill thinks that since he's one of the highest paid drivers (he makes 10K more than the last driver hired) they're trying to find a way to get him out without laying him off. That would be so ignorant!

I thought that perhaps Nick was over-reacting, which he tends to do all the time. Someone will go into his office and blame Bill for leaving a light tower in the yard, and Nick will call Bill into the office to ream him out. Then Bill will say "Actually, it was Ed that brought that in from Shell," and Nick will quiet down.

Bill says the supervisor accused him of a few things, and when Bill denied it Nick said "Bill, a month ago I followed you out to the north side and you were doing 60 km per hour."

"That's the speed limit, Nick."

"It was icy and you should have slowed down."

"Nick, you were doing 140 on the way to the airport just two weeks ago."

I'm not sure where it's headed, but if they really are trying to fire him, we're fucked! We need every penny of his paycheque to live, and losing the house would be a real possibility then. Jamie's not paying for much yet, and neither am I, so we'd both have to start working at McDonald's to try and salvage this life. Of course, I could kiss any finance career good-bye.

To be proactive, Bill is going to request a vacation week while it's still very quiet, and then he can look for work. Wish us luck!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

tagged! by suntiger

Here's a close-up of my bedside table. The first thing you see is my ginger citrus body butter, which I use every day after my shower. Behind it are some books (one about Vietnam, another from Martha Stewart on decorating, and my current read, lullabies for little criminals, by Heather O'Neill) my reading glasses are perched on top in a black case. Beside the books is the hand puppet I got from the kids in my Christmas stocking, my lamp, and a little black leather case that holds my jewelry and a few pens. Not showing - remotes for the satellite receiver and the cheap little DVD player.

What's on your nightstand? I tag greeneyes67, barnesm, and a new reader, Rebecca Anne. Have a nice afternoon.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I have really enjoyed finding new, interesting blogs to read here at blogspot, and thought I would pimp them occasionally. This lovely girl recently did an entry about the snuggie, and when I saw it I almost spit coffee all over my moniter!
Please go visit and say hello.

it's a numbers game

One thing that I have noticed after years of blogging - it isn't just widows who are afraid to date. It seems that if you're over the age of thirty-five, you're carrying a bit of baggage and usually by the time you face your second big break-up, you're swearing off finding love altogether.

I have no problem with someone if they really want to stay single. My older brother is one of those, and we have never confronted him about it. He just turned forty-six, hasn't ever had a girlfriend, spends most of the Spring and Summer in a fifth wheel (he's the maintenance supervisor for a campground) and if he ever gets the urge for sex, he goes after his friend's wives. I'm not kidding, either - I'm surprised that no one has taken him down during hunting season!

But I digress. No one bugs Steve about having a GF because we know it would have to be a pretty special woman to take his crap. Between his OCD and his need to control everyone and his deep-seated introversion, we know it's a lost cause.

As for everyone else, unless you're like Steve, you've definitely got a chance.

I know that people are afraid of being rejected, or afraid that the person they choose will turn out to be a psycho, or a cheater, or too controlling. I was afraid that I'd choose another addict, or someone who would mess up the finances so bad I'd lose the house. I was afraid that I'd settle, like I have in the past with Jamie's dad, or my high school boyfriend. But there are a few ways you can go into this search and come out the other side completely intact.

The first way is to treat your search for a partner no different than if you're looking for the perfect job. You don't expect the perfect job to fall in your lap (so to speak) and finding a partner shouldn't be any different.

Take a look at how you present yourself. Grooming is extremely important. Now might be the time to drop a few pounds and get some new shoes. When you walk, are you confident? Do you look people directly in the eye, and have a firm handshake?

Whenever I went on first dates, I asked lots of questions, but never in a way that seemed like I was interviewing them. By the end of the date, if there had been any spark at all - I knew who was his first love, what his dreams of work were (and how much he'd achieved) what his sex drive was like, and whether he still spoke to or hung out with his exes. If there wasn't any spark, the date either ended early or I stopped asking the important questions and just sat back to enjoy the food and conversation.

When I met Bill, I remember testing him a little. Was he interested in talking to me every day? Did he blow me off on messenger to talk to anyone else? When he said he'd call, did he? And the biggie - did he keep his word? The very first time he was to bring Em and stay the weekend, I didn't exhale until I heard the door buzzer go off!

The second way is to remember that finding a good mate is a numbers game. Most of you know that I met Bill online, but maybe don't realize that I had perused well over 3,000 personal ads on four different dating sites. Of those three thousand ads, I emailed over one hundred and fifty people. From those, I added eighty to my messenger. I was asked out twenty or twenty-five times, and I accepted eleven dates. One stood me up, one walked out without saying good-bye, several were looking for casual sex, and I had no chemistry with the rest, except for Bill. Overall, it took me twenty months before my search was over.

It is definitely not for the faint of heart! But I am happier than I have ever been in my life, so it was definitely worth it.

You're worth it, too.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

tuesday already?

I'm off to work!
Today is a calling day, which means that I will try to speak to at least seven people and make at least two appointments. I have two people with pending quotes, and hope to complete two sales based on those.
One call is to a woman who wants to stop making her premium payments, however, when I looked at the permanent policy she bought twenty years ago at age twenty, I wonder why anyone would want to. If she continues to pay the $50/month, she will have over $165,000 in cash surrender value at age 65. Nice retirement fund! She'll also get a 9% return on her premiums paid, and you can't tell me she'd get that if she were to deposit that $50/month somewhere else.
Have a good Tuesday, and wish me luck with the calls.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Just to get that disturbing thong pic a little further down the page, I thought I'd post a picture of the curried chicken we made for supper last night. The chicken was baking while I sauteed the mushrooms and sweet onions, then added a can of coconut milk and a few tablespoons of curry powder. I served it with peas and rice.

beautiful and dangerous

I was doing a google search for "beautiful lingerie" and this came up, for an online lingerie site in the UK. The thong is made of cultured pearls, and I love the tiny lace bit at the front - but could I ever wear this, even if it's only for a few moments?

I don't think so. It looks ... dangerous!

little monsters

photo by Richard Seaman

Keeping in Touch recently wrote that she saved a frog, and it made me think of my childhood, spent on the Sunshine Coast in beautiful British Columbia. I really miss living there, most days.

When I was three or four years old, my dad bought forty acres of land in Sechelt, about a quarter mile from the Pacific Ocean. I loved riding my bike down to the beach, or exploring the creek beds and paths through the thick rainforest. If I think hard enough, I can even see the cat 'o nine tails and smell the skunk cabbage.

When Jamie was little, it was one of my regrets that she played in an alley, or beneath the upstairs neighbour's balcony, because we lived in an apartment building downtown. She went to the school ground as well, but it's just not the same.

The frogs, snakes, butterflies, bees and salamanders were a big part of our childhood.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

love weekend continues

photo by Cecil Williams

There are so many widows out there that are afraid to start looking for new partners, and in many cases I understand where they're coming from. If you have had a wonderful, nearly problem-free marriage, it would be daunting (to say the least) to think of starting all over. For some people, it seems like an insult to the late spouse, because it can feel like "settling".

I think that in many ways, some of my friends thought I was settling when I fell for Bill. Jamie actually confronted me about it, when Bill first came back from working overseas and we were trying to figure out how and when he'd move here.

For the record, my official "type" is usually an athlete. 5'11" to 6'0" tall, dark hair, green/blue eyes, Irish or Scottish descent. I'm not sure if Jamie thought that I was settling because Bill is shorter than that - he and I are exactly the same height in bare feet, 5'7.5". Or because his brown hair is often bleached blonde, like Eminem, or if it was because he was trying to start over and we were a bit ahead of the game, due to the house.

Whatever it was, I remember being shocked when she asked if I was settling.

"Oh my God, no!", I replied. "In fact, he is almost exactly what I'd hoped for..."

Late 2001

It was the year leading up to Dale's death that we got our first PC, and quite often, while he was sleeping or passed out, I was learning how to navigate the internet and came across all kinds of websites and forums. I joined one for spouses of people suffering from borderline personality disorder, and another for spouses of alcoholics. Eventually Dale was officially diagnosed as terminally ill, and I joined a site for caregivers.

I don't remember when I first heard of people meeting and marrying other people they'd met online, but it would have been in the last months of Dale's life. In August and September I looked over a dating site, but by the time I was actually widowed in October of 2002, I had decided to be celibate for a year before beginning to date.

Of course, I wasn't ready to date by October 2003, but that didn't stop me. Thankfully, I was ready to fall in love again by May of 2004, and I did fall in love with Bill, almost immediately. We'd met online, on a rating site called Hot or Not. I emailed him, we added each other to MSN messenger, and I asked him out to dinner two days later. Our lives changed from that point on.

That Moment

I had been seeing Bill for two or three weeks, and because we lived 80 miles apart, we would take turns driving to the other's city on weekends. Most of the time I would do two weekends in a row because Jamie and I loved Calgary, so we would do one Date weekend followed by one Family weekend.

One Date weekend, Bill and I went out dancing, laughing and doing shots until three in the morning, followed by hours of kissing and making love back at his apartment. Em was staying at the sitter's house, so we were free to do whatever the next morning. After waking late and making love again, Bill got out of bed to make coffee and eggs in his robe. I stayed in bed and listened to him puttering around the kitchen.

At one point, he came back into the bedroom where I was laying, and crawled up the length of my body. He settled himself over top of me, burying his face in my neck and giving me this full bodied hug that just enveloped me. I was sure that he could hear my heart thumping away in my chest, and as I ran the palms of my hands over the back of his head and down his neck and shoulders, I got the feeling that we weren't two separate people anymore.

I wasn't exactly sure until three weeks later, that that had been the moment we fell in love.

Back to the Future

Well, this coming June will mark five years since that moment happened. We were in love but didn't talk about it for several more months, due to the LDR and his time spent in Newfoundland, Texas, Libya and Qatar while I waited for him here.

We spent three days together in September of that year, and that's when he said the words. Of course, I had to wait almost another year before he came back to stay, but by the time he finally did, we were very sure.

Settle? Not likely.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

photo by Declan McCullagh

Happy Valentine's Day! It's not just for lovers, it's for anybody that has passion and a sense of the romantic. I'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff, too (flowers, jewelry, romantic dinners) but these days Bill and I settle for things that don't interfere with our budget.

Here's one of my favourite songs of all time:

Last night while I was putting away groceries, Bill brings up iTunes and starts playing At Last. Four years ago, I would have been listening to it all alone while Bill was working over in Qatar and longing for him with an ache that would never go away. This year, he took me in his arms and danced me all over the kitchen.

It definitely makes up for the fact that tonight, he got called back to Fox Creek and won't be home again until tomorrow night. I think I'll have some shiraz and watch SNL. Who's hosting?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Lola's "after" shots

Lola looks fabulous! She was a little lonely while she was there, but overall it was a very positive experience. She even got a Valentine's Day bandanna. Tamale - it's too bad she can't visit Trinidad for the weekend :)

For $38, she was bathed, trimmed and her paws were cleaned, but the groomer wasn't able to figure out what that swelling is near her behind. She also had her ears cleaned, but we think she has an ear infection and now she requires a shot. Thank goodness my brother can do that, saving us on veteranarian bills.

I hope this is something we'll be able to keep up.

good grooming

Lola is being groomed today, for the first time! Well, by a professional groomer. For the last three years Bill has been shaving her, but the time has come for her to have it done properly. I know this is way TMI, but she's got these glands back there and they're so swollen they look like testicles, lol.

First, I'll be dropping Jamie off at work (she got a part time childcare gig) then I'll be taking Lola out to the groomer's place, which is about 20 minutes outside the city.

I just know that after spending $35 on that, the first thing shes going to do is roll in shit. *sigh*

Happy Friday!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

WTH kind of GD boots are these?

From Go Fug Yourself

Hooves?! OMG, I almost went blind when I saw these.


back; Shane and Sensei Marr
front; Al and Dale circa 1997

Today, Dale would have been 42 years old. There would have been twelve days in which I was three years older than he was and he would have teased me a lot about that, but then he'd have his birthday and we'd be back to being two years apart.

Most years, my birthday would have been a quiet occasion, just as it is now. The end of January always meant paying rent and catching up on utilities, but by mid-February we'd have enough to do something. One year his company gave him a gift certificate to West Edmonton Mall so we booked a room at the Fantasyland Hotel. It was a fantasy room with a big yellow truck, and Dale and I slept in the box while Jamie slept in the cab. If I remember correctly, there was also a jacuzzi tub in the corner of the room. Out in the mall, we wandered around, went bowling, and tried fried alligator on Bourbon Street.

Those were the happier days with him. Of course, because he's been gone since 2002, he'll always be 35, and I am now nine years older than he'll ever be. Today I'll think about him on and off, but I probably won't acknowledge it in any other way. I am happy that I met and fell in love with him, and the path I was on led me directly to Bill, so who am I to question the universe?

I am SO happy that tomorrow is Friday, which is payday! I won't be getting a lot of commission, but it'll be enough to cover the last installment of house insurance, thank god.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

bra fitting 101

photo by Cecil Williams

It's -14°C today, which is the coldest it's been all week! And even though it's a little chilly, I've been looking for dressy tank tops to go with my skirts because my office is just too warm.

The search for tank tops also had me searching through my bra basket for skinny straps, and I figured that I should share my bra fitting experience with you because it's been awhile since I posted it on journalspace. I'm not just a life insurance saleswoman - I'm also a lingerie specialist :)

Measure first!

Wearing a bra, place a measuring tape around your rib cage, directly under your breasts. The tape should be straight across the back and sit exactly where your underwires would sit in the front. For this exercise, I'll use my own, which is 38".

Next, measure the fullest part of your bust. Make sure the tape is still straight across the back. This measurement is 42".

42 - 38 = 4 inches. This is going to be the depth of your cup, and the scale goes like this:

1" - B cup
2" - C cup
3" - D cup
4" - DD cup
5" - DDD or E cup
6" - F cup
7" - G cup
8" - H cup

So if my rib cage measures 38" and my bust measures 42", my size is 38DD.

Trouble Shoot

- Do your straps fall off your shoulders? It's likely that your band size is too big. Remember that 90% of your support comes from the band, and only 10% from the straps. If you measure 32" or 33", try not to buy a 34.

- Do your underwires dig in at all? It's likely that the wires are too narrow, or the cup size is too small. Look for wires that go back further and take in ALL of your breast tissue, even that fleshy area under your arm.

- Does it slide up in the back? Go down a band size.
- Do the wires get pushed out the center? Go up a cup size.
- Do your breasts push out the underwire at the bottom? Go up a cup size.

Other Tips

- Hand wash expensive or perfect fitting bras. Machine washing them is equal to wearing one twenty-five times.

- Molded cup bras are not for adding fullness, rather they are for hiding nipplage.

- Buy a bra that fits the ribcage nicely on the middle set of hooks. This way if you gain or lose it'll still fit.

- You cannot wear a comfort strap bra with a tank top.
- You can wear a black or coloured skinny strap bra, but beige or white is usually a fashion faux pas.

More than 70% of all women wears the wrong size, but if you go into a store with a little more knowledge, unknowing salesgirls can't steer you wrong.

Have a good one!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

button button

Last night Bill and I had date night, for the first time in awhile! We went for fish & chips, then to see the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I loved being out with Bill, but was disappointed with the movie. It was almost three hours long and dragged in a lot of spots, but I think that's because I didn't really love any of the characters, save for the one played by Cate Blanchett. She's very good, in any movie I see her in.
I have an appointment soon, so I have to run. Wish me luck! I'd love to have at least four sales on this next payday.

Monday, February 9, 2009

a good lead

photo by Graham Owen

I got a lead on some openings at a local financial institution on Saturday. This is what I love about retail - the networking is amazing! Maybe not for insurance purposes, but for everything else. If you're good at providing one-on-one service and you're friendly and helpful, people will want to help you. At any rate, I have the name of the woman who's doing the hiring, and the name of a supervisor at the same institution who said, "tell her I sent you."

I hope this is a good one! By next year I'd like to have enough experience in this industry that I can make a transition to mortgage brokering - that is, unless I can find a company to sponsor me this year. Either way, I'll be happy as long as I start bringing in a regular paycheque.

Have a good Monday ~

Sunday, February 8, 2009


Here's a picture of my bedroom, taken about five minutes ago. When I first bought the house, I remember thinking how strange it was that the master bedroom was at the front, with the windows opening up to the street. You definitely get less privacy that way! I like to open the curtains for natural light, but people driving or walking by can see me ironing or walking around.

It's also the first time in a decade that I've had to set up my ironing board in my bedroom. Em's room used to be my shoe room, but it was more of a dressing room. I had shelves to hold all my shoes and a closet held all my bags, and the ironing board and full length mirror were there to help me get dressed in the morning. I miss that! There's no way I can get dressed with the curtains open, so I do it in the semi-darkness and open them once I'm done.

I suppose it'll only be another year before Jamie moves out, opening up the downstairs bedroom/bathroom for Em, and I can have my shoe room back. I'd love to see your room! Play along and post a pic.

It's very sunny today, making it a great day for a drive out to the farm. We'll go when Bill gets back from washing the truck, and dropping off another invoice from some eavestroughing work that he did in 2007. He's determined to make some of these people pay, even though it's been delinquent for a year. I hope they do, it would really help us.

Have a nice Sunday, and don't forget to take a pic of your bedroom :)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

friggin parents

painting by Jesse Fritsch

I know that this might sound mean or bitchy, but seriously - I am sooo tired of parents bringing their children into the stores that I work at and not watching them. Not just ignoring them, but coddling them until they're screaming at the top of their lungs because you have the nerve to speak to someone else, and take attention away from them.

I am tired of trying to clean snot and food off the clothes on the floor so that we can sell them. I'm tired of telling kids to get off the step stool, get out of the window or stop pushing the mannequins because they'll fall over and break. And I'm tired of listening to the whining and fake crying that went on for half the day today.

Why can't parents tell when their two year is fake crying?! It's actually sounds like waaaah haaaaaa, waaaa haaaaaaaaa, and coupled with the mom (or the dad) going shhhhhhhh, it's okay, shhhhhhhhh it's okay, shhhhhhhhhhhh I just wanted to walk over and smack them all. It's FAKE for fuck's sake - and every time you fall for it you teach them that this is the way to act in public. Smarten up!

If you can't (or won't) look after your kids and keep them quiet, then they don't belong there.

Okay, now I feel better :)


I thought I'd post a picture of the place where Bill and I said our wedding vows on 09/08/07. It was fun, but too short! We drove the 1200 miles out to Vancouver Island, played around for a few days, said our vows, then drove back.

We still haven't taken a honeymoon, so that's on the agenda for this year. Las Vegas seems like it should be doable, if I find a new position soon.

Have a good Saturday!

Friday, February 6, 2009

friday afternoon

my birthday flowers from Bill

I had a nice talk with my Mom this morning, although she was telling me that my step-dad is suffering a lot more with his hip. Fourteen months he's been waiting for a hip replacement, and he hasn't heard a thing about when he can get it. He recently had more Xrays taken, which showed a deterioration of 50% since his last Xray, and still nothing. I'm hoping something happens in the next few weeks.

I've taken to seriously looking for a new job, although the dream of doing well at this one is dying slowly. There is only one thing you can control when you're an insurance advisor, and that is your activity. Since November, I've worked more nights than I ever did in retail, and yet I have gone thousands and thousands of dollars into debt and have lost tens of thousands more in lost wages. Since the beginning I thought that I could help people, but to be honest I don't want to anymore. Based on the number of times I have been stood up or blown off, yelled at or hung up on, many people don't want my help. The ones that do are wonderful people, but the company commission structure supports the rich get richer thing, and I only ever see the same five Advisors win trips and bonuses.

Anyway, today I've got to work for a few hours, then pick up Em and Jamie and drive them to the movies, then get a few groceries. I'll probably apply for a few banking positions as well. Wish me luck!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

righteous indignation

One thing that I've noticed since the age of thirty - you can be so broke that you cut your own hair and hand wash and press all your work clothes, but you will not give up on a face cream that promises to give you newer, younger looking skin. I bought this the other day and so far, I love it.

quick note: I don't do pay-per-posts, I just write about things I like.

Anyway, I ran out of my usual stuff and since it was $20 and this stuff was $11, I got the Olay. It really does make my skin look awesome - I use it under my foundation and my pores all but disappear. No wonder my mom used it when she was younger!

Do you have a cat? Jamie's kitty, Tokyo, is always "talking" to us, and even though we've all had many cats, none of us has had one that talks to this extent. She says hello, begs to go outside, asks for attention (a lot!) and gets pissy. Actually, I think this article calls it "righteous indignation" LOL. It's so true. I came across a few articles on how to teach your cat to say actual words, so maybe I can get everyone else in on that. It would be worth it just to see kitty say "hello" and freak out any future housegusts.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

mother hubbard

This time of year has always been difficult for me, at least for the last ten or eleven years. Before Dale died, it was because my birthday and his birthday brought unrealistic expectations, considering he was a chronic alcoholic. At least now, those don't bother me nearly as much.

Since Bill moved here and we got custody of Em, this time of year has been awful simply because we're trying to catch up on various financial obligations after getting through Christmas, like everyone else. The first few years it was tough because Bill was doing his eavestroughing business (and his clients weren't paying on time) and the last few because I'm doing the life insurance gig, and my commission level is in the shitter.

I've already decided that I should be searching for other work while I'm doing this, because I really am tired of being poor. Even with poor being subjective, we're talking about taking an ordinary lifestyle and shaving $2,000 per month in expenses. That means no clothes, no movies, no dining out, no haircuts. Hell, I'm about ready to pull the satellite because I need the cell phone and I can't cut anything else out of the food bill. I'm hoping that Jamie will find something soon, and that'll help too.

I'm sure that it will all work out, but I can't wait for spring! That's when all my utilities drop - the power bill and the gas bill go down, and my city taxes will go down. Just the other day I got my assessment, and the house has dropped in value from $320,000 to $272,000, so hopefully that saves me $500 in annual taxes.

Oh, and don't you always crave expensive coffee drinks when you're broke?!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Empress Hotel, Victoria, BC

I'm getting quite comfortable here at Blogspot. I don't really miss journalspace as much as I used to, thanks mostly to the readers that have made a real effort to visit and leave a comment, so thank you very much!
I do miss the homepage, like most of you, but I've noticed that JSers are finding ways to congregate - a recent example is Simon's JS Community blog. I've got the link along the right hand side, so go ahead and visit.
That brings me to one of the only complaints I have about the place. Whenever I try to use my old cheatsheet for linking pages, it doesn't work and I have to try and edit it. I hate the way it looks without adding the link text:
So is there an easier way to add the link text without the editor automatically adding double tags? I've tried fooling around with it before, but to be honest, I'm so preocccupied with other things that I'm sure I couldn't concentrate on learning it anyway and just want someone to tell me, lol.
The other issue - the post editor doesn't always put spaces between my paragraphs.
I'm off to work! Hope you all have a good Tuesday.


Here's one of Simon's comments:
P.S. If you want to write it in HTML manually, just make sure you copy and paste what you’ve done into the ‘Edit HTML’ window, not the standard ‘Compose’ one.

Exactly! I was using the regular "Compose" one and it wasn't working well for me. I did today's post in the "Edit HTML" and it worked perfectly! Thanks Simon.

Monday, February 2, 2009


photo of Chamber's Dictionary

Apparently, "Arsefingle" means to evade trouble with great regularity, even in the face of overwhelming odds and evidence of your corruption. Hmmm...sounds a bit like Lermontov, lol.
Also, I got a kick out of "shatner".

My post isn't about arsefingle. Actually, I was over at Cin's and she's written about her son's favourite word, and there are certain ones I really like saying because of the way they roll off your tongue. Here's a few:

discombobulated :: circuitous :: superfluous:: gobsmacked :: polydachtyl

What are yours?

an unused life

photo source unknown

This morning while I was in the shower, I kept thinking about my birthday weekend. You know, quite often, it sucks - but that's due to timing and money and usually I don't mind, although there have been a few times I have wondered what my life was coming to.

This past Saturday Bill and I had had plans to attend a one woman play called Shirley Valentine, which was adapted into a movie in 1989, and has been a favourite of mine since I caught it on late night TV in the early nineties. I bought in on VHS first, then later on DVD, and when I saw that the play was local and the tickets were only $12, I really wanted to go.

On Friday afternoon, there was still hope that Bill could take me, but by Friday evening he knew that he'd be lucky to make it home by Sunday night and I had to decide what I was going to do. I thought, why not go by yourself? Bill might have liked it, but you're the one that really wants to see it. So I got ready, and after I dropped Em off at her sleepover, I drove down to the venue.

This is where my birthday took a nice turn. I was hoping the venue would accept debit, but they didn't, and when the older lady asked if I had a cheque I knew I might have to leave to get some cash, but didn't really want to because I'd miss the first half hour. In the first few seconds, when I was thinking I might not be able to see this play, the lady says, you know, I have been saving a ticket for someone who hasn't arrived, and I doubt they will. You can have it. We're sitting along the back, if you don't mind...

She was so kind. I said my thanks and told her it was my birthday, and she beamed and showed me where to sit. During the intermission we chatted about the movie, and she brought me a bottle of water and some munchies. I really enjoyed the whole thing, but there is one passage in the play (and the movie) that gets to me every single time. If you've seen it, you'll know how pivotal it really is. I think of it as an unused life, and it's the scene where Shirley finally decides (after going back and forth, back and forth) that she will accept the offer of a free trip to Greece with her best mate Jane. Here's the scene:

"I have led such a little life, I have allowed myself to lead this little life when inside there is so much more. And it has all gone unused, and now it never will be. Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them? That is how Shirley Valentine disappeared, she got lost in all this unused life."

It was so profound, and made me cherish this life I've led. I might have been a waitress or a retail manager, a mother, and a wife, and I might have had some hard times and spent some time just being, but I haven't allowed myself to disappear.

Anyway, when the lights finally went up, my heart was full and I followed the little older lady out into the foyer. As I shook her hand and thanked her, she wished me a good year.

So far, so good.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

older and wiser

I took this pic last night after cutting my own bangs. Actually, it turned out pretty good! For the last two months I either couldn't afford the $40 haircut or else my stylist was off because her dad passed away, and we share the share the same birthday so she was off yesterday and today. I decided to take matters into my own hands and used a pair of clippers. which gave me a pretty straight line. And I couldn't help but think of that Nissan commercial from last year.

Neighbour: Wow, you got a Nissan Sentra. I've heard they're cheap!

Sentra Owner: (stares) You cut your own hair. THAT is cheap. (camera pans to neighbour's crooked hair line)

Neighbour: (speechless)

LOL. Yes, this year I am definitely cheap, but it won't last for forever.

Another thing I always notice is that I cannot smile. I might have been a little sad last night because Bill couldn't come home, but overall I was in a good mood. There were a few shots where I was smirking a little more, but this one turned out the best for angle. I kept looking at this pic and thinking, did I ever wonder what I'd look like in middle age? I kind of like how much thinner my face is as I age, and I'm okay with the few grays that I've found, even though they're multiplying. The only things I don't like are that my lips get thinner and my nose gets wider every single year. At least my eyes don't change much.

Jamie and Kyle update

Thanks for everyone's opinions! Jamie was speaking to me about it yesterday afternoon because she was a little upset from the night before. Then last night he made an attempt to go home early which prompted a bit of a fight, but he came back and they talked more. She's not going to focus on his mom, but rather his commitment to spend time with her, and I think that's a good start.

We're off to Tim Horton's for coffee, then I'll come back to read everyone. Have a good Sunday!