the raven and the crow

one of several tattooes that Bill is looking at

Throughout that long fall season and once again through the winter, the widow suffered withdrawal of her dead husband. She suffered even though she'd taken up with someone new (as an afterthought, she wondered if he might be too young, but in the end thought him to be mentally ill and couldn't deal with another psychotic) and so let him go. Not that that was easy, since he seemed to be hanging on with all his might; he may not have wanted her for anything more than security and a free ride to work but that was quite a lot in his eyes!

After the dust settled, the widow set about doing two things in tandem; finding out who she really was, as she'd been adopted, and finding another partner (a better partner) so that she'd feel complete(even though everyone told her that was silly, she could be complete on her own.)

Discovering herself was easy, as every day that passed taught her that she was much stronger than originally surmised. She found that each day as she got up and got dressed and went about her business, she was learning. First, that the world in general viewed her as someone different than she was before. Somehow less than before. Also, she learned that a huge percentage of her socio-economic group did not know how to deal with the illness or death, and for that she was somewhat ostrasized.

This gave the widow an opportunity to look a little closer in the mirror, and during the next few months she discovered that her anscestors were from Haida Gwaii, and she was born from a very long, very old branch of the aboriginal peoples of Northern British Columbia, the Tshimshian. More research seemed to say she was from the Raven Clan, and she was not surprised to learn that the women were often shamans and soul doctors.

During this time, the widow continued to suffer the seperation from her (now) long dead husband. She had received a few visits from him during the first year, once at ten months and then again two months later (to proclaim his lasting love and to gift her with the northern lights, Aurora Borealis) but nothing since. Yet she continued to feel a strong connection, a presence, a yearning, and one day when she could stand it no more she cried out. "Please!" she begged of him, tears dampening her cheeks. "Please, let me go; I don't have the strength... Please, if you love me, let me go." She cried until she was dry, and continued on home.

Weeks passed and turned into months and the widow felt a subtle shifting in her day to day life and her ability to sleep at night. She still felt her dead husband from time to time but it was almost peripheral and nothing solid. She noticed that the love she carried for him was changing into something softer, more maternal.

Spring came and with the melting of the snow came renewed hope. The widow, who had never considered herself different, began to embrace the idea that different might be good.

And the following month, she met the man whose grandmother considered herself a healer in life and a crow in death. A medicine man in his own right, he had eyes that changed from gray to green and a way with touch that healed animals and calmed the emotions of the people he loved.

Each had followed a parallel path that led to the other, and to this day they travel along together; the raven and the crow on a journey with no destination in mind.

over it

photographer unknown; came across it while gardening this summer.

In the last six years, Bill and I have created quite a little micro-climate of our own inside this house. He and I and the kids have used this house as a haven against the harshness of the outside world. When retail was kicking my ass (or Jamie's) we could come home, make a nice dinner, and sit around the table just basking in the glow of how safe it was here.

Maybe that's why it hurts so much when turmoil appears on the scene.

Oh man! Years and years ago when Dale was still chronically drinking and bringing home all that angst to me, I asked his therapist about it.

"You know, people don't believe me when I say that he did this; no one but me ever sees that side of him! Everyone else sees the charming, friendly, happy man who has it all together. I just don't get it."

"He trusts you. He loves you and he knows that you're the only one that really knows what he's like and you love him anyway. Classic Borderline behaviour, actually."

Let me just say thank God I don't go through that anymore. Bill is a supportive co-worker but he's never worked with a wife before either, so I'll not hold a grudge for long. This time.

To be honest, I'm never very sure if he gets it or if he's calling a truce to get me to shut up. I guess time will tell. Yesterday and today have been pretty normal and we're back to being laughing companions, the way it should be.

Have a good Sunday!

coming down

photo courtesy of Ron Chavez

Things had calmed down somewhat from the night before, but by yesterday afternoon I continued to resent Bill for comparing me to Lacey. If a call came in for me to fix something on his paperwork, or if I thought I might have to do something that would normally fall into his area of responsibility, I would start to feel miserable immediately.

At four-thirty, I left the office thinking that I'd gas up and deliver a few cylinders to the dentist office and a guy out near Sylvan Lake, but after getting to the gas station I realized that I hadn't brought the delivery notices or an invoice book and couldn't do either because I was too distracted.

Now Bill gets kind of frustrated with me because of the 24 hour turnaround time it takes me to calm down; for him something can be over five minutes later and he can go on as if nothing was said. Unfortunately, when someone questions my ability to do something it takes me a bit longer to calm down. Yesterday and the evening before all I could do is inventory my successes, all the things that both myself and my new co-worker have accomplished, against what I haven't completed yet. I called him from the gas station, miserable.

"So you really feel like things were better before?!" I asked, trying not to cry.

"No Kate," he said, frustration spilling into his tone. "It was a mistake to go down that road last night, I shouldn't have done it and I didn't mean to do it. If we start it all over again today it'll all go to shit like it did last night."

"But why would you say it if you didn't mean it?"

"I was frustrated. I really appreciate everything you and Marianne are doing."

"You didn't mean it."

"No."

"Okay."

Bill went to pick up his nephew, so that they could take in a Rebel's game (local hockey) and I got Em and Jamie and took them out for chinese food and got them some clothes for school.

I hope that on Monday, I can get back some of the enthusiasm I had for the job before all this stuff went down. I like the job when I think I'm making a difference. Not just to Bill but to my clients. Oh, and the good part of it so far? My paycheque was actually bigger than his. That's awesome.

love Monday

photographer unknown

Thank goodness that Bill went back to work today!

Since last Monday, he's been off work with a bad back and today he started at his new company. I love that man more than any man I've ever known, but I still wanted to kill him by the time I woke up on Sunday.

In the past week, I have not driven anywhere, because he likes to drive. And he likes to take the most circuitous routes available. A three kilometer trip will eventually add up to about eight, and not only will you hit both the north and east sides of the city, but you'll end up downtown at least twice.

He throws his cigar butts on the ground. He forgets to lock the truck when he comes home. He makes plans to vacuum the bedroom but gets distracted by something else and I trip over the Hoover and the handheld.

The other night he ruined my $40 Party Lite three wick candle by setting another small jar on top of it. While it was still burning.

"Why would you do that?" I asked.

"Well, the little one was almost burned out so I thought that it would burn the table if I didn't set it on something."

"You need to go back to work before I strangle you. And don't even think about retiring."

The rest of the last week was actually pretty nice. I do love spending a lot of time with him, but that "too much of a good thing" is absolutely true.

companionship vs. love

I'm a huge romantic at heart. I believe in soulmates, passion, love and commitment, and I don't think it has to be boring or a lot of work. In fact, when everything lines up just right, even the usual monotony can feel like contentment.

At any rate, I was listening to the radio on the way home from the office, and a gentleman was saying that he thinks it's very courageous when someone knows that a relationship isn't going to go long term, and walks away. I agree - I remember being in a few relationships where I knew it wouldn't work.

Still, it can take some time. It took me several months before I could break up with Pat, and eight months to break up with Jamie's dad. Both times I had to find a place to live and in the latter, I had to find childcare.

Of course, there are always some people who stay together for companionship, and I rarely ever judge those that do. I've been there, and I know how lonely life can get. On the other hand, the loneliest I've ever been has been when I was in a relationship with no love.

I guess it depends on which would be worse for where you are in your life.

road trip

Bill and I drove to Wetaskiwin yesterday, to see one of my oldest friend's, Dale's Sensei from Winnipeg. To be honest, I wasn't sure if he would come with me - for awhile there, I thought he might get called into work, or not want to go.

But for a man that has married a widow, he's been great. I used to read about recoupled widow/ers having trouble with resentment and jealousy all the time. The "I just can't compete with a ghost" bs was one of my biggest worries. Thankfully, he doesn't do that.

He listens to me talk about Dale, although not as much as I used to - right now I'm still angry that the stress he caused has started messing with me physically. And maybe that is why Bill doesn't resent Dale very much. Dale made some HUGE mistakes during his short, tragic life and I have been left behind to deal with it all, and most of the time Bill feels empathy for me.

At any rate, we drove about an hour north of here to see his Sensei. We watched part of the class and then met them for a beer afterward, which was nice. Bill got to chat up the Two Dale's (two former students and good friends of Dale) Takanaka (the Sensei from Wetaskiwin) and Sensei's Smabey(from Iowa) and Marr (from Winnipeg) and we all laughed and joked around for an hour before we headed home.

It was the perfect way to spend Mother's Day.

more than paper

The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship.
- Barbara De Angelis

Whenever Bill and I are out and about running errands, we often listen to CBC Radio just to see what's going on. Must be an age thing, because I wouldn't have been caught dead listening to CBC Radio in my youth! At any rate, we were out and about last night. Bill's hair needed trimming and we needed to pay the cell bill, so that I can get calls about the jobs I've applied for.

In between, we went for coffee and wandered around Canadian Tire before getting in the truck to head south so that we could get some vegetables and stop at the bank. That's when we heard the story of this girl who'd been living with her boyfriend for nine years, and was interviewing all her friends and family. It seemed as though each time someone in her circle got married, she'd long to do it herself. She started wondering, why did she want to marry? What was it about marriage that she wanted? At the same time, her longtime boyfriend was digging in his heels, trying to avoid the subject with her, or used the "it's just a piece of paper" explanation.

Is it really? Well, my first thought is, if you don't believe in marriage to start with, the only difference is going to be the piece of paper. I used to say that in my early twenties, after my first marriage failed. For the record, my first marriage failed because I didn't marry for the right reasons. My second marriage ended when my husband died, but if it hadn't been for the alcoholism, I would have considered it a successful marriage.

My marriage to Bill is my third one, so obviously, I have come to believe in it.

Marriage is the ultimate partnership. When it comes to love, family, money and sex, a marriage is the ultimate in commitment. I'm sure there are people that would say a person can commit without marriage, and I suppose that is true to a degree, but ultimately, if you're not willing to say the vows and sign the contract, something is holding you back. In your heart of hearts, you know the reason why.

If you're married but it's not working, that doesn't mean you have to become jaded and consider it a bad thing altogether. One day, you might be surprised, if you meet the right person.

To marry or not to marry, only you can say. But to Bill and I, it's much more than a piece of paper. It's a declaration, and it was one of the nicest things we've ever done for one another. Say what you will about the legalities, but to me it's not about that. I guess it all comes down to a feeling. A connection.

I'm such a romantic.

an old pic and getting ready for a fight

I used to send pics in almost every email to Bill (back when I had a webcam, before I got the digital) This is me from five years ago, before my fortieth birthday. I used to get ready for work, then take the pic, so he'd always see how nice I looked. Now he sees me first thing in the morning, poor guy!

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

We're trying to get ourselves psyched for a fight with Tina, Em's bio-mom.

Em has really been wrestling with herself, as well as us, for the last six months. She goes back and forth on whether she still loves Tina, or just feels sorry for her, or both. Unfortunately, it's been wreaking havoc with her health. Her ulcer is acting up again, and she's been having more anxiety lately.

At her counselling session on Wednesday, we talked at length and it's been decided that we won't make her talk to Tina. Em's therapist said that it was like we were forcing her to stay in an abusive relationship, and diagnosed her with mild post-traumatic stress.

The therapist, Em and me decided that we'd start with a letter. Em can explain that she has some anxiety around the phone calls, particularly when Tina keeps reassuring her that she'll take us to court. Tina thinks she has to "save" Em from us (Em has never challenged this) but all it was doing was threatening to take away the only secure home she's ever known.

Bill and I would include a letter of our own, explaining that we are supporting Em in her decision but we will keep an open mind. We want to be kind to her because she's not well (untreated bi-polar disorder, munchausin's, personality disorders) but if she seeks treatment we can consider it.

The biggest thing is that Em is under a lot of pressure during each conversation. She has to be careful not to give away our location, her school, or even where she hangs out. She knows that anything she says can be taken wrong by Tina, and then Bill will feel the brunt of her anger - ten to eleven phone calls a day, each one leaving a three minute long diatribe about how she's going to tell Em something bad about his past. Occasionally she'll leave a short threat, like "I'm coming to get you, boy." Crazy.

Anyway, I'm not sure what'll happen. It could start something, but Em is hoping it won't. She thinks that Tina would be in danger of losing city housing if she admitted she didn't have custody of Em, or her older brother Shaun, and will keep quiet. We're not sure if she's also claiming both children to recieve more social services benefits, but that would help if she was.

Have a nice Friday!

connections

I often think about the first six weeks of my relationship with Bill, and how he went away for a year after that. First, back to Newfoundland and six months later, to Texas for training, then Libya and Qatar to work as security for an Italian oilfield company. A long distance relationship frought with fear, longing and frustration! I think he came back to me because he knew I was right - we were meant to form a family and protect each other, and it's been proven over and over every single day since June 15th, 2004.

There was some kind of invisible thread that connected us physically when he was gone, even though he tried to deny it. (To this day he blushes and pats me on the knee whenever I point out that he was the only man to ever break up with me, lol)

And there was a psychic connection, too. I've written about this before on journalspace, it constantly surprises me because I used to think that Dale and I were very close. I used to think we could almost read each other's minds, but it has never been as strong as with Bill.

The first time it happened, he was still living in Calgary and Emily had just turned seven. We'd been dating for about a month, and it had been a "date" weekend, meaning that Jamie had stayed here and Em had spent the night before at his friend Sheena's. On Sunday evening, we were all laying about watching a movie and I was trying to decide if I should drive home early, or stay and drive home Monday morning, in time to open the store I was managing. I was on the futon and Bill was sitting in the armchair beside me. Em was curled up in his arms, and I remember thinking he should put her to bed and hold me, which he did a minute later.

That might sound like a coincidence, but there are so many incidents. If he is thinking about someone, I'll ask him how they are. If I want him to call me, my cell phone rings. If I see him without his glasses for a few days, I'll be wondering if he's misplaced them and he'll ask, "Have you seen my glasses?" The other night he set a bottle of Pepsi on the coffee table and I remember thinking ugh, he should just leave it on the floor so that it's not in my periphal and two seconds later he moved it.

I think it happens with many couples, they just don't notice it. In our case, I'm sure that the LDR increased our awareness.

Today I'm seeing Glenda, my therapist, for more EMDR. Hopefully that improves my muscle memory as well! She says that when you experience trauma repeatedly for years, your muscles "remember" during current stresses and that might have caused the right rotator cuff problem I had last year and the problems I'm having with my left bicep and shoulder muscles now. It'd be nice to live without pain!

it's a numbers game

One thing that I have noticed after years of blogging - it isn't just widows who are afraid to date. It seems that if you're over the age of thirty-five, you're carrying a bit of baggage and usually by the time you face your second big break-up, you're swearing off finding love altogether.

I have no problem with someone if they really want to stay single. My older brother is one of those, and we have never confronted him about it. He just turned forty-six, hasn't ever had a girlfriend, spends most of the Spring and Summer in a fifth wheel (he's the maintenance supervisor for a campground) and if he ever gets the urge for sex, he goes after his friend's wives. I'm not kidding, either - I'm surprised that no one has taken him down during hunting season!

But I digress. No one bugs Steve about having a GF because we know it would have to be a pretty special woman to take his crap. Between his OCD and his need to control everyone and his deep-seated introversion, we know it's a lost cause.

As for everyone else, unless you're like Steve, you've definitely got a chance.

I know that people are afraid of being rejected, or afraid that the person they choose will turn out to be a psycho, or a cheater, or too controlling. I was afraid that I'd choose another addict, or someone who would mess up the finances so bad I'd lose the house. I was afraid that I'd settle, like I have in the past with Jamie's dad, or my high school boyfriend. But there are a few ways you can go into this search and come out the other side completely intact.

The first way is to treat your search for a partner no different than if you're looking for the perfect job. You don't expect the perfect job to fall in your lap (so to speak) and finding a partner shouldn't be any different.

Take a look at how you present yourself. Grooming is extremely important. Now might be the time to drop a few pounds and get some new shoes. When you walk, are you confident? Do you look people directly in the eye, and have a firm handshake?

Whenever I went on first dates, I asked lots of questions, but never in a way that seemed like I was interviewing them. By the end of the date, if there had been any spark at all - I knew who was his first love, what his dreams of work were (and how much he'd achieved) what his sex drive was like, and whether he still spoke to or hung out with his exes. If there wasn't any spark, the date either ended early or I stopped asking the important questions and just sat back to enjoy the food and conversation.

When I met Bill, I remember testing him a little. Was he interested in talking to me every day? Did he blow me off on messenger to talk to anyone else? When he said he'd call, did he? And the biggie - did he keep his word? The very first time he was to bring Em and stay the weekend, I didn't exhale until I heard the door buzzer go off!

The second way is to remember that finding a good mate is a numbers game. Most of you know that I met Bill online, but maybe don't realize that I had perused well over 3,000 personal ads on four different dating sites. Of those three thousand ads, I emailed over one hundred and fifty people. From those, I added eighty to my messenger. I was asked out twenty or twenty-five times, and I accepted eleven dates. One stood me up, one walked out without saying good-bye, several were looking for casual sex, and I had no chemistry with the rest, except for Bill. Overall, it took me twenty months before my search was over.

It is definitely not for the faint of heart! But I am happier than I have ever been in my life, so it was definitely worth it.

You're worth it, too.

love weekend continues

photo by Cecil Williams

There are so many widows out there that are afraid to start looking for new partners, and in many cases I understand where they're coming from. If you have had a wonderful, nearly problem-free marriage, it would be daunting (to say the least) to think of starting all over. For some people, it seems like an insult to the late spouse, because it can feel like "settling".

I think that in many ways, some of my friends thought I was settling when I fell for Bill. Jamie actually confronted me about it, when Bill first came back from working overseas and we were trying to figure out how and when he'd move here.

For the record, my official "type" is usually an athlete. 5'11" to 6'0" tall, dark hair, green/blue eyes, Irish or Scottish descent. I'm not sure if Jamie thought that I was settling because Bill is shorter than that - he and I are exactly the same height in bare feet, 5'7.5". Or because his brown hair is often bleached blonde, like Eminem, or if it was because he was trying to start over and we were a bit ahead of the game, due to the house.

Whatever it was, I remember being shocked when she asked if I was settling.

"Oh my God, no!", I replied. "In fact, he is almost exactly what I'd hoped for..."

Late 2001

It was the year leading up to Dale's death that we got our first PC, and quite often, while he was sleeping or passed out, I was learning how to navigate the internet and came across all kinds of websites and forums. I joined one for spouses of people suffering from borderline personality disorder, and another for spouses of alcoholics. Eventually Dale was officially diagnosed as terminally ill, and I joined a site for caregivers.

I don't remember when I first heard of people meeting and marrying other people they'd met online, but it would have been in the last months of Dale's life. In August and September I looked over a dating site, but by the time I was actually widowed in October of 2002, I had decided to be celibate for a year before beginning to date.

Of course, I wasn't ready to date by October 2003, but that didn't stop me. Thankfully, I was ready to fall in love again by May of 2004, and I did fall in love with Bill, almost immediately. We'd met online, on a rating site called Hot or Not. I emailed him, we added each other to MSN messenger, and I asked him out to dinner two days later. Our lives changed from that point on.

That Moment

I had been seeing Bill for two or three weeks, and because we lived 80 miles apart, we would take turns driving to the other's city on weekends. Most of the time I would do two weekends in a row because Jamie and I loved Calgary, so we would do one Date weekend followed by one Family weekend.

One Date weekend, Bill and I went out dancing, laughing and doing shots until three in the morning, followed by hours of kissing and making love back at his apartment. Em was staying at the sitter's house, so we were free to do whatever the next morning. After waking late and making love again, Bill got out of bed to make coffee and eggs in his robe. I stayed in bed and listened to him puttering around the kitchen.

At one point, he came back into the bedroom where I was laying, and crawled up the length of my body. He settled himself over top of me, burying his face in my neck and giving me this full bodied hug that just enveloped me. I was sure that he could hear my heart thumping away in my chest, and as I ran the palms of my hands over the back of his head and down his neck and shoulders, I got the feeling that we weren't two separate people anymore.

I wasn't exactly sure until three weeks later, that that had been the moment we fell in love.

Back to the Future

Well, this coming June will mark five years since that moment happened. We were in love but didn't talk about it for several more months, due to the LDR and his time spent in Newfoundland, Texas, Libya and Qatar while I waited for him here.

We spent three days together in September of that year, and that's when he said the words. Of course, I had to wait almost another year before he came back to stay, but by the time he finally did, we were very sure.

Settle? Not likely.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

photo by Declan McCullagh

Happy Valentine's Day! It's not just for lovers, it's for anybody that has passion and a sense of the romantic. I'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff, too (flowers, jewelry, romantic dinners) but these days Bill and I settle for things that don't interfere with our budget.

Here's one of my favourite songs of all time:



Last night while I was putting away groceries, Bill brings up iTunes and starts playing At Last. Four years ago, I would have been listening to it all alone while Bill was working over in Qatar and longing for him with an ache that would never go away. This year, he took me in his arms and danced me all over the kitchen.

It definitely makes up for the fact that tonight, he got called back to Fox Creek and won't be home again until tomorrow night. I think I'll have some shiraz and watch SNL. Who's hosting?

older and wiser

I took this pic last night after cutting my own bangs. Actually, it turned out pretty good! For the last two months I either couldn't afford the $40 haircut or else my stylist was off because her dad passed away, and we share the share the same birthday so she was off yesterday and today. I decided to take matters into my own hands and used a pair of clippers. which gave me a pretty straight line. And I couldn't help but think of that Nissan commercial from last year.

Neighbour: Wow, you got a Nissan Sentra. I've heard they're cheap!

Sentra Owner: (stares) You cut your own hair. THAT is cheap. (camera pans to neighbour's crooked hair line)

Neighbour: (speechless)

LOL. Yes, this year I am definitely cheap, but it won't last for forever.

Another thing I always notice is that I cannot smile. I might have been a little sad last night because Bill couldn't come home, but overall I was in a good mood. There were a few shots where I was smirking a little more, but this one turned out the best for angle. I kept looking at this pic and thinking, did I ever wonder what I'd look like in middle age? I kind of like how much thinner my face is as I age, and I'm okay with the few grays that I've found, even though they're multiplying. The only things I don't like are that my lips get thinner and my nose gets wider every single year. At least my eyes don't change much.

Jamie and Kyle update

Thanks for everyone's opinions! Jamie was speaking to me about it yesterday afternoon because she was a little upset from the night before. Then last night he made an attempt to go home early which prompted a bit of a fight, but he came back and they talked more. She's not going to focus on his mom, but rather his commitment to spend time with her, and I think that's a good start.

We're off to Tim Horton's for coffee, then I'll come back to read everyone. Have a good Sunday!

saturday afternoon

Jamie woke me up at 10:30 this morning for a breakfast of pancakes and coffee. She even cut them into little stars! Very cute. After eating, I opened the gifts that they got me, which were very thoughtful. Jamie got me two scented reed diffusers and two DVD's (SNL collections, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Love Schwetty Balls, lol) and Em got me a silver necklace with a stone encrusted circle pendent. Plus, there was chocolate and mocha coloured fingernail polish.

I talked to Bill a few times today, and it looks like he won't make it home in time for us to do anything. Honestly, I don't mind - I got used to do things alone after I was widowed. And even though I'm lonely for him, I'm still grateful that I have him at all and I can't wait for him to get home, mostly because I miss hearing him laugh. Well, I'm kind of low on kisses too.

I thought I'd ask your opinion on an issue that Jamie is having with her new boyfriend of three months. Kyle is twenty-two, and he'll be twenty-three in August. His mom was widowed twenty-one years ago when Kyle was a just a baby, and his sister was almost three.

Since that time, she hasn't recoupled, but she might have dated from time to time.

The issue is, Kyle has been the man of the house since he was little, and his mom is not going to let him go without a fight. At this point in time, he's in charge of any yard work, moving furniture, grocery duty, taking down Christmas lights ... you get the idea. Also, the mom is a dog breeder, and he's involved in most of the day to day care. He's a FT college student and works 20 hours per week in a furniture store.

Last night was the first night that he's been able to come over to see Jamie all week, and about 90 minutes after he arrived, she called and demanded that he go home because she needed to talk to him in person. Apparently, she wanted to attend a wedding today and wanted him home with the dogs, even though Jamie and he have had plans for over a week. Much of the time, he must ask her if it's alright for him to spend the night here. Also, they have a joint bank account and he shares a Visa card with her.

My opinion is that Jamie and Kyle should get to a counselor asap before they end up in an even more serious relationship, because this woman is going to interfere in every aspect of their lives. She has some real boundary issues already - just recently she called him to say that her Dr thinks she's pre-menopausal because she hasn't had her period in a few months. He tries to object to this type of thing, but in the end he doesn't fight it because she can make his life hell, and in the past she's gone into his room and taken things that were important to him, just to get even for something. Just recently, she took a few of the lighters out of his Zippo collection.

Am I the only one that sees some HUGE red flags?

**quick edit**

Thanks, I appreciate everyone's opinions!

The thing with Kyle and his mom: We suspect it's been going on so long that they don't realize how inappropriate it is. And with Kyle being almost 23, it's not about him and his relationship with his mom, it's about how he keeps losing one relationship after another. I guess the last three ended when the girls confronted the mother, which caused her to take it to another level and eventually the girls left.

Jamie and Kyle are already pretty involved and declaring love for one another, so it's too late for her to dump him. If they both go to talk to someone, they might learn how to deal with her. Jamie's hoping the therapist will give Kyle some ideas on how to handle the guilt trips she lays on him. If he resists and doesn't think there's a problem, she may have to dump him anyway but that would be a last resort. They're very well suited and a lot alike so it would be sad if they didn't make it.

As for the mom - I'm pretty sure she's in denial. It's not going to be easy.

mothers and daughters

One of my favourite books of all time is The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold. Jamie bought it in 2003, the year after Dale passed away, and so far, it's been the only thing that ever brought me comfort about where he might be. The idea that someone's heaven is comprised of all the things they enjoyed on Earth, makes me think that he might still be a teacher, and that he is very good at Sochin.

It had such an impact on us that when Jamie came across Sebold's next novel, The Almost Moon, she picked it up.

What a strange book! The fact that the main character, Helen, kills her aged mother jumps out from the very first line. The entire story takes place over a 24 hour period, from the moment she arrives at her mother's house to the point where she must decide how to handle the police and their investigation. The guts of the book, however, are the recollections of her childhood.

In the beginning, we discover that Helen's mom used to be a lingerie model, and that she had some lofty aspirations to make it big in NYC. Whether or not that is realistic is never disclosed, but there is some indication that she resents having married a man that couldn't make that dream come true for her, even though his love of her sustained her life for decades.

As for Helen, one the biggest tragedies seems to be that as an only child within a small family, it takes something horrid to happen at the age of sixteen before she truly realizes why her mother is the way she is, and why a kindly neighbour might use the term mentally ill. Suddenly, she knows why her mother hasn't left the house in over five years, and why she would rub a bloody wound in the space between her breasts, forming a scar that years later, her ex-husband would call her martyr's stigmata.

Throughout the first few chapters I found myself grateful that Helen had her father to lean on, yet as I progress through the story I realize that he had his own mental health issues, mostly in regard to his own depression and need for isolation and, as Helen discovers, his penchant for living in the past. I suspect, even though it was never confirmed, that he'd spent time in a mental hospital for suicidal tendencies. In the end, years after she'd left home, gotten married and divorced, he bought her her own little house just a few miles from her childhood home, went back to his wife, and shot himself in the head at the top of the stairs.

It is at this point that you get the idea that she will pay dearly for being left alone with her mother, and she truly does. The love/hate relationship is so palpable and so strong that even while she cares for her, you get the feeling that it is undoing her.

As a mother to two daughters, it made me thankful that while I may have my issues like everyone else, we don't sweep it under the rug or make up stories to cover them up. We don't resent each other for secrets and things left unsaid, we aren't left wondering, what the hell happened?

I didn't like the book as much as I liked her other work, but it has definitely made me think, and since I finished it last night, I have spent some time reflecting on the relationship with my own mother. I'm so lucky to still have her, and I'm so lucky that while she still suffers from self-isolation and depression, she has never damaged me to an extent that I couldn't recover from, and come out loving her anyway.