Saturday, January 31, 2009

saturday afternoon

Jamie woke me up at 10:30 this morning for a breakfast of pancakes and coffee. She even cut them into little stars! Very cute. After eating, I opened the gifts that they got me, which were very thoughtful. Jamie got me two scented reed diffusers and two DVD's (SNL collections, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Love Schwetty Balls, lol) and Em got me a silver necklace with a stone encrusted circle pendent. Plus, there was chocolate and mocha coloured fingernail polish.

I talked to Bill a few times today, and it looks like he won't make it home in time for us to do anything. Honestly, I don't mind - I got used to do things alone after I was widowed. And even though I'm lonely for him, I'm still grateful that I have him at all and I can't wait for him to get home, mostly because I miss hearing him laugh. Well, I'm kind of low on kisses too.

I thought I'd ask your opinion on an issue that Jamie is having with her new boyfriend of three months. Kyle is twenty-two, and he'll be twenty-three in August. His mom was widowed twenty-one years ago when Kyle was a just a baby, and his sister was almost three.

Since that time, she hasn't recoupled, but she might have dated from time to time.

The issue is, Kyle has been the man of the house since he was little, and his mom is not going to let him go without a fight. At this point in time, he's in charge of any yard work, moving furniture, grocery duty, taking down Christmas lights ... you get the idea. Also, the mom is a dog breeder, and he's involved in most of the day to day care. He's a FT college student and works 20 hours per week in a furniture store.

Last night was the first night that he's been able to come over to see Jamie all week, and about 90 minutes after he arrived, she called and demanded that he go home because she needed to talk to him in person. Apparently, she wanted to attend a wedding today and wanted him home with the dogs, even though Jamie and he have had plans for over a week. Much of the time, he must ask her if it's alright for him to spend the night here. Also, they have a joint bank account and he shares a Visa card with her.

My opinion is that Jamie and Kyle should get to a counselor asap before they end up in an even more serious relationship, because this woman is going to interfere in every aspect of their lives. She has some real boundary issues already - just recently she called him to say that her Dr thinks she's pre-menopausal because she hasn't had her period in a few months. He tries to object to this type of thing, but in the end he doesn't fight it because she can make his life hell, and in the past she's gone into his room and taken things that were important to him, just to get even for something. Just recently, she took a few of the lighters out of his Zippo collection.

Am I the only one that sees some HUGE red flags?

**quick edit**

Thanks, I appreciate everyone's opinions!

The thing with Kyle and his mom: We suspect it's been going on so long that they don't realize how inappropriate it is. And with Kyle being almost 23, it's not about him and his relationship with his mom, it's about how he keeps losing one relationship after another. I guess the last three ended when the girls confronted the mother, which caused her to take it to another level and eventually the girls left.

Jamie and Kyle are already pretty involved and declaring love for one another, so it's too late for her to dump him. If they both go to talk to someone, they might learn how to deal with her. Jamie's hoping the therapist will give Kyle some ideas on how to handle the guilt trips she lays on him. If he resists and doesn't think there's a problem, she may have to dump him anyway but that would be a last resort. They're very well suited and a lot alike so it would be sad if they didn't make it.

As for the mom - I'm pretty sure she's in denial. It's not going to be easy.


  1. It's obvious that she's replacing her husband with her son. In the companion state, that is. She needs to try to move on, but I suppose it's harder for some people than it is for others. Even so, she's going to ruin her son with any relationship he has in the future. He's going to end up with a lot of issues due to her. If not some already.

    He needs to move out and away from her, and make sure she knows that he'll always be there for her and he will help her, but he is her son and not her life partner.

    Jamie and Kyle sound go to a counselor, they should know what the foundation of their relationship is going to be riddled with.

  2. agree w morphine.. she is replacing the husband w the son.

    my first husband's mother was very like this and it completely destroyed our marriage.

    red flags all over the place

  3. Forget Jamie and Kyle, Kyle and his MOM need counseling!

  4. Great gifts and Jamie making you breakfast was so very sweet too:)Sorry Bill wasnt able to be home with you to celebrate but you have some awesome kids there:) Yes I see some huge red flags.I can understand what shes doing but it is selfish and unfair to her son and to take personal things from him to pay him back is just so childish and wrong.

    She needs to move on and let her son live his own life.He can still help out but she needs to stand back and let him make his own choices and everything too.She has been widowed a very long time.I know no matter how long its been its hard but it would be easier if she could find someone else in her life.I think things would be so much better then.Then her and her son could both move on.

    Life is way too short to live like that and for her to rob her son of his freedom and his own life.I used to not have periods for months too and birth control pills for 2 straight years straightened that right out.I need to go back on them because without them I have a ton of cramps!TMI..

  5. I agree with AndiMac. This isn't about Jamie, at least not yet. It's an issue the boy and his mum need to work out, and I see a possibility that he would see Jamie urging counseling as interference right now.

    I'd suggest letting matters take their course. It's too soon for her to get so deeply into it with him.

  6. Yeah, what Scribbs said. Jamie needs to let Kyle go until his mother lets go of him.

  7. What a great treat to wake up to! Those pancakes are very cute and look delicious.

    Red flags all over the place, like a used car lot.

  8. Happy Birthday!!

    Huge red flags, but I agree, Kyle and his mom need the counselling! I dated a guy very similar to this once, for about 3 years when I was in college. Although his dad just worked away. Anyhow his mother was so controlling that there was no way it could work. He wasn't "allowed" to stay over at my place (he lived at home and I had my own place), his mother would freak out. I was about Kyle's age.

    Either way it sounds like Kyle's mom is way to involved in his life - I can't believe the joint account and visa!!!! If that were me dating him and I found this out - I'd be gone by now.

    I wish Jamie luck. If Kyle doesn't break this off with his mother soon, there's no hope for a future relationship.

  9. Your daughter was very sweet to do that for you - happy birthday by the way!

    I too was going to say that first KYLE needs counseling, and then if the mom wants to go in she can, too, but it sounds like they are both programmed a certain way. This relationship will be a disaster unless Kyle first recognized there is a problem and then is willing to get help to become disentangled from the type of relationship he and his mother have.

    My father was stuck in this very position after his divorce, and we all suffered under the rule of his mother. He could never have a relationship, either, since she'd drive any decent woman away. Not until he got married and moved out were we all a peace.

    I am sure Jamie likes him very much but if it's only three months in, she might want to consider keeping this relationship to "friend" status.

  10. his mother talks to him about menopause? lol. I am sorry but I snickered reading that, Kate. lol. But I agree with those above, the mum needs to get some help. It is 21 yrs too late and maybe her issues run too deep but her son needs to have a normal life and at this rate, he never will.

  11. those pancakes are so cute!

    oh yes, red flags! and I, too, agree that the problem is Kyle and his mom, not Jamie and Kyle. Kyle needs to move far away, as soon as possible! He should go to a college out of state or join the military. As long as he's living in HER home, with his feet under HER table, he will never be able to be free. SHE needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet... it's never too late for that.

  12. Happy Birthday Kate!

    Sorry to say it but Kyle's married already. There's nothing Jamie can do until he can separate with his mother - preferably amicably, but any way will take time.

  13. Thanks Noc!

    I think you're right. That's why Jamie wants him to go talk to someone because he doesn't realize he's "married".

  14. Wow Jamie is great and obviously cares for you very much. Hope you had a great day.

    Too late to offer my thoughts on the Jamie Kyle issue I guess but I can certainly see how the long term single mum/son relationship can get slightly off kilter.

    It's something I am acutely aware of so I actively endeavour to limit my expectations and always factor in that I have to be able to manage things on my own as he'll move on at some stage. I hope I am keeping on top of it as I'd seriously hate to ever be the topic of such a discussion. Your blog has given me some extra impetus - thanks :-)

  15. I have always loved this - pity the mum can't read and think about...

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
    You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

    Kahlil Gibran

  16. Happy birthday Kate. Sounds like you had a good one!

  17. Good lord. I agree with TP that Kyle needs to get into counselling...a good counselling with experience in this kind of thing can actually help HIM have the tools to deal with her even if his mom won't go with him.

  18. Sounds like you had a lovely day!

    As for the mom, she is a lost cause, probably. It will be up to him to take his independence and move on with his life. She can only continue to behave that way if he gives her the results she desires. I hope he is strong enough, or Jamie will have to be the strong one and walk away.

  19. Pancakes!!! Yum!! I don't think I could possibly add anything to what everyone else has already said - so I won't. Just stopping in to say hi~!

  20. My opinion: You need to let Jamie make her own choices. If they get counseling (yes they need it) It needs to be between them. If you protest too much about anything it will backfire on YOU!! Make your suggestions then back off.

    I went through this with my daughter. She is still in the relationship and I've made peace with it without alienating her too much thank GOD! But it's unhealthy and controlling and that's her choice.

    Just something I've learned. Have a great Sunday Kate :)

  21. Hey GE! I actually posted this because she asked me to. She wanted to know she wasn't over-reacting, and she appreciates everyone's opinion.