Wednesday, April 15, 2009

more than paper

The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship.
- Barbara De Angelis

Whenever Bill and I are out and about running errands, we often listen to CBC Radio just to see what's going on. Must be an age thing, because I wouldn't have been caught dead listening to CBC Radio in my youth! At any rate, we were out and about last night. Bill's hair needed trimming and we needed to pay the cell bill, so that I can get calls about the jobs I've applied for.

In between, we went for coffee and wandered around Canadian Tire before getting in the truck to head south so that we could get some vegetables and stop at the bank. That's when we heard the story of this girl who'd been living with her boyfriend for nine years, and was interviewing all her friends and family. It seemed as though each time someone in her circle got married, she'd long to do it herself. She started wondering, why did she want to marry? What was it about marriage that she wanted? At the same time, her longtime boyfriend was digging in his heels, trying to avoid the subject with her, or used the "it's just a piece of paper" explanation.

Is it really? Well, my first thought is, if you don't believe in marriage to start with, the only difference is going to be the piece of paper. I used to say that in my early twenties, after my first marriage failed. For the record, my first marriage failed because I didn't marry for the right reasons. My second marriage ended when my husband died, but if it hadn't been for the alcoholism, I would have considered it a successful marriage.

My marriage to Bill is my third one, so obviously, I have come to believe in it.

Marriage is the ultimate partnership. When it comes to love, family, money and sex, a marriage is the ultimate in commitment. I'm sure there are people that would say a person can commit without marriage, and I suppose that is true to a degree, but ultimately, if you're not willing to say the vows and sign the contract, something is holding you back. In your heart of hearts, you know the reason why.

If you're married but it's not working, that doesn't mean you have to become jaded and consider it a bad thing altogether. One day, you might be surprised, if you meet the right person.

To marry or not to marry, only you can say. But to Bill and I, it's much more than a piece of paper. It's a declaration, and it was one of the nicest things we've ever done for one another. Say what you will about the legalities, but to me it's not about that. I guess it all comes down to a feeling. A connection.

I'm such a romantic.


  1. Yes you are a romantic but that's a good thing. After the stuff that you've been through it's a testament to you as a person that you can still retain faith in other people and can trust that everything will work out. You are inspiring.

  2. I'd like to think that I'm a romantic too. But really I can't live without Mrs. F.

    It's like that, and that's the way it is.

  3. you've written such a great post, and you're so right, that marriage is more than a piece of paper... far more. This is one of those topics that can grow into a larger discussion such as the spiritual side, etc. Loved reading this, and Bill is a lucky guy!

  4. I think for most of the cohabitors it's a fear of commitment or the thought in the back of the head that something better might be around the corner. Either way, it's a personal problem and not a problem with one's partner. Or maybe I'm wrong.

    Still, I agree with you. It's a declaration and much more than a legal document.

    I love reading about you and Bill!

  5. Marriage is more than a piece of paper it's hard to describe...but it is!

  6. Sometimes the intentions are good, but people change and sometimes the commitments can't be made without someone hurting... sad but true.

    I think it is so great that you and Bill have found each other! You are an inspiration!

  7. Good friends of ours lived together for years and had two children before getting married. At that point they did it as the most cost effective way to get health insurance. I never questioned their commitment to each other. I think she kind of wanted to get married when the rest of our group from school did, but he was always against it. He's not at all the kind of guy who was secretly hoping for something better to come along, more like he was relieved to have found someone teriffic so he didn't have to date anymore! When religion isn't a factor I can totally understand not needing to bring a third party (gov't) into the agreement to stay together.

    I just wanted a wedding!

  8. I can say that marriage is not easy after being married so long. Yet I sure am glad I took my vows, and signed that paper. No one ever said marriage was easy. It is not, but I believe it is a whole lot better than being alone and missing out on a connection that is very special.

  9. People tend to think that once you get married, things change. They shouldn't, and if they do then there is a commitment issue and it needs to be addressed.

  10. Indeed you are romantic.I wish I could say the same for myself, though, in my head and heart I am:)An old fool sometimes.


  11. Being a Romantic with all that we have been through is a VERY GOOD THING!!! I was just going to post something in my blog and wanted to check out your latest first -- similar but different topics LOL.

  12. Kate, I read this a few days ago but did not have time to comment. I really enjoyed what you had to say here.

  13. Very well said.

    "Getting married for sex is like flying to London for free peanuts."-Jeff Foxworthy

    I don't know what marriage is, but I know I can't live without it.