mid week

photographer unknown

Well, the truck went back to the dealership Monday night, with a minimum amount of drama. Not that I wasn't edgy and easily hurt that day, but it went okay. Bill drives an older pickup and he's been giving me rides to work.

The car we were looking at didn't have a/c, so we're back to square one but still hope to pick something up on Friday. That'll go a long way to making me feel more independent, even though my credit rating is in the toilet right now.

Onward and upward.

Since my family has decided they don't want to have Christmas, I've been a little down about it. My Mom turns eighty-one this Sunday and I just don't know how to have Christmas without her! I might have been okay had my sister wanted to do something with us, but they want to do their own thing as well. *sigh* For now, our plan is to volunteer at at least one place, do Christmas Mass at St. Mary's on Christmas Eve, and have Christmas dinner here at home the next day. I think we'll all go to a movie on Christmas night.

Jamie wants to start planning and saving for a trip next year - she wants to do Christmas in New York! That would mean no family vacation again next summer so I'm not sure how I feel about that. I love the idea of a holiday like that, but our financial situation would really have to improve!

I hope you're all having a good week, so far.

I'll miss your smooth ride

in the new house, 2004

I've been missing you all and have been missing the writing, so I'm happy to have a day off from work. Both jobs have been going well and I've gotten into a habit of getting ready for work without coffee or the internet (although sometimes I have to stop for a double-double, even if that means inhaling it in the lunchroom before starting my shift) and then playing around on Farmtown or playing Pathwords after work, before hand washing my work clothes and getting into bed.

The big event this week is about my truck, a 2007 Nissan Xterra that I leased two and a half years ago when I began my career with Sun Life Financial. At the time, the $700 payment seemed a little steep but I expected to make enough commissions to cover that as well as my other living expenses, and the the entire payment was a tax write off. For many, many months Bill's wages had to cover everything, which was incredibly tight. By the time I left the insurance gig, Bill was only a few weeks away from losing his job, and the payments became crippling.

I'm ashamed to admit that after each payment was made, I couldn't afford to buy food. Still, the thought of losing my incredibly reliable vehicle, which has four wheel drive and tackles the Alberta winters like a pro, would make me almost sick to my stomach.

Last Wednesday I finally had the $1,400 together to catch up the payments, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed to get Emily's winter boots and meat for the freezer, I knew I needed to pay the utilities and I knew that I needed to get the insurance back on the house and I needed to get my life insurance back in place. All day Thursday I sat on that money, thinking it would be okay. By Friday morning I was letting go of the truck, and by the time early afternoon rolled around I knew I was going to let it go. That day, Bill and I searched around for a suitable car that I could drive to work, and found a little red one, which I hope to pick up on Friday.

Anyway, this afternoon I'm cleaning out the truck and taking it back to Nissan dealer. I can't say I won't be sad but I hope that Bill can buy me another one some day - a used one.

gifts of a different sort

Other than all the flu like sickness in the house (Jamie, myself & Em) and other various snafus, things have been going okay. Ever since Bill lost his job we've been operating on major survival mode, but we've been pretty lucky. Seemingly blessed with good karma some days.

One such incident happened just recently.

We're currently one payment behind on most things, like the phone, the mortgage and the truck. It's scary, but not repossession-scary as long as we keep the status quo and have the last truck and house payments made on the day before the next one is due. Since I have yet to receive any pay from the off price store and Bill's unemployment benefits have just kicked in, we've been piecing income together from everywhere - Jamie's jobs at Home Depot and the bath product store, mine at the clothing store, gutter jobs and kajiji ads.

Last week as the fifteenth approached, my anxiety over the truck payment started to grow as it usually does three to four days before I have to have it. To make things even more complicated, I'm right in the middle of the countdown to Dale's death on October 2, and I found myself thinking about and talking to him as I hand washed my work clothes.


It doesn't seem like seven years at all. Or does it? I wonder if you come around anymore. Do you see us? Have you moved on? I'm getting better every year, but it's taking me awhile. I had no idea of the toll it would take, and I suppose that's good. I try not to have regrets but in this case the price was pretty high.
I wonder if you ever get jealous, if you feel the possessiveness in death like you did in life. I used to chuckle about it because we both know that while you were here I loved you completely, but I also feel a little guilt that my relationship with Bill brings me so much joy. So much so that he feels like a gift, like maybe you had a hand in it. By the way, if you have any connections, can you help us out a little? I don't need a lot, just a little hope.

Within the hour, I got a call from a lady who wanted the microfibre chair that I had listed on Kajiji (for 34 days, 244 hits) for $270, and she didn't even try to talk me down. I made the truck payment that afternoon.

pay it forward

I have been so blessed in my life, in spite of all the trials I've been through.

Years ago, after Dale had already passed away, I decided that I wanted to attend a get together that the widows were planning in Branson, Missouri. I had enough for a flight and for one night in a hotel, but needed help with the rest of the trip.

That's when Joe, a widower from the U.S., stepped in. I flew to Little Rock, Arkansas and he picked me up. We spent one night at his ranch (with his three sons) then he drove us five hours to the venue of the GTG. We shared a room (no hanky panky there) for two nights, then he drove me home and the morning after that, back to the airport. He saved me hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and that trip changed my life.

Earlier that same year, another widow had helped me. We both lived in the same province and I was struggling to keep everything together. It wasn't just money, it was things like forgetting to open the mail - one of the big things that I still struggle with today. These problems led to my power being shut off, not just once, but twice! Other times, I failed to plan for things like winter coats, or couldn't plan, for things like fender benders and having to pay for a dented bumper. My friend stepped in and sent me enough funds to get through the winter, and I couldn't have been more grateful.

There have been a few times since then, that I have been fortunate enough to pay it forward. A girl who needed her internet reconnected to access a support site, donations to the food bank, the youth shelter, and a sponsored child.

Of course, my income took a nosedive this past year and I was back in dire straights again by this past March! My creative financing was starting to take it's toll and before we knew it, I was more than a week away from payday and we had no cash coming in and no groceries in the pantry. The hair on the back of my neck stood up all day, every day and I was freaking out. That's when one of my blogging friends offered to help me. What a life saver! I called him the other day to ask for permission to write this entry, because today I am going to pay it forward. I thought I would start with the food bank, but I have also volunteered to deliver food for Loaves and Fishes over the next two weeks - it's a Christian soup kitchen that also delivers to shut ins. So thank you Tim! I'm going to enjoy paying it forward.

mother hubbard's cupboard

first night in my new house. September 14, 2004

Today I went to Calgary with one of my managers and another Advisor, and I really enjoyed it. A guy from Vancouver was speaking on Critical Illness and Long Term Care Insurance, and how to position the product.

If I could actually make money at it, I would really love to keep doing it. But alas, I am still looking for anything that'll pay.

I've been hearing quite a bit about people having trouble keeping food in the house - and not just in the little family of blogs we have here. I've heard it on the radio, read it in the paper, and have seen it on the news.

My own experience so far: most meats are too expensive for us to buy, save for ground beef, hot dogs, or any cut of pork. Sometimes we can find chicken for less than $5.00/kg so we can buy that, but there have been weeks when we couldn't. A 4 litre jug of milk runs me about $5.69 and it lasts about a day and a half. Cheap bread is about $2.39 a loaf, 436 grams of coffee is about $6.00, and a litre of coffee cream is $3.02! We just switched to coffee mate, but I don't really like it.

What is the price of food in your area?