the more things change pt 2

webcam pic, 2003

I've been pretty worried about my weight lately.

In the pic, I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now and had a handle on my hunger. In fact, due to the anorexia I was suffering from at the time, I welcomed the hunger; looked forward to hunger!

Then things normaled out.

Bill arrrived in 2005, Em arrived just two months later. Jamie and I stopped eating Lean Cuisines and started buying beef, chicken & pork. I stocked the once-empty pantry with cookies and muffins for lunches, bought potatoes, rice and cheese for family dinners.

In 2007 I went on Jenny Craig and lost that twenty pounds, but the cost of food was extremely cost prohibitive at $510/month. I quit and slowly gained it back over the next two years.

Last summer I started working at the same company as my husband Bill, as a Customer Service Technician. I look after O2 equipment like concentrators, regulators, and compressed air cylinders. I do homecare deliveries, some administrative work, and oxygen starts for the hospitals.

For the first six months I was so busy that I didn't have time to eat and I was much too tired to cook! Also, we were so poor for so long that even if I had a five dollar bill in my pocket, I was afraid to spend it.

It was easy to lose that twenty pounds.

At this point I am twelve pounds up and last week I vowed to lose at least two pounds but that didn't happen. I'm going to try again this week.

Really!

embrace change!

I hate change.

I struggled with it for years until my late husband died, then I had no choice whatsoever - to me, it was either get used to the change; in fact embrace the change, or lay down and die as well.

Sounds harsh, but that was the truth. Death hovered near my door for nearly eighteen months, with a tiny little flicker of hope burning away in the back of my mind. I had to face all the issues I couldn't (or wouldn't) face before - my co-dependency, my complacency, my selfishness. My home and my work area reflected how I felt for all those years. If I took something out, I left it out. If I opened a door, I left it open. If something fell on the floor, it stayed there.

As time passed after Dale's death, I felt that change was something I needed to embrace. I left my job and changed industries altogether; insurance was something that interested me because of the service and maintenance aspect. I loved my office and my co-workers, loved the suits and the snappy SUV, and I just adored the shoes!!

Alas, I couldn't sustain the required continuous prospecting. BUT, I learned through my experience with insurance that when it comes to mountains of paperwork, organization is key.

My working life is much easier now. It's not that I don't have moments from the past (just yesterday I misplaced a file) but for the most part I have accepted this new order of things. My house, my car and my office space reflect this.

My office partner has yet to see the light. I spent three hours cleaning her space for the arrival of the new manager yesterday, and within the same amount of time it was all back to piles of paper and trails of equipment.

In the afternoon, she told someone that it will be difficult changing twenty-five years of bad habits, and with that attitude, she's right. Wish me luck.

tim burton's roses

I brought a centre piece home a few weekends ago, and even when they started to die, I kept them on the table because the kids thought they looked cool. I think Bill has alternately called them the devil's flowers and Tim Burton's roses because they have turned so black, yet retained their shape. I'm not sure if I'll throw them away or keep them for some other purpose.

Yesterday I started thinking about changing jobs again, because I'm so tired of being poor. Not that I'll give up right away - I've been working some long hours and I'll continue to do so. But I haven't made enough money for almost a year, and my family and I have given up a lot. Some months, I can't afford to get a haircut, let alone a pair of shoes, and the debt I've been piling up has been scary.

If I took a banking position, it might only pay about $50,000 but that would still be more than double what I'm making now. The problem is, would I use some of those funds to replace my retirement savings? That is the whole reason I took this job, because I had to spend my RRSP's when Dale passed away. If I could save $1000 /month, it might be okay, but that's pretty high considering debt repayment.

Maybe I'll just keep looking until something right comes along. I'm going to hate giving up this autonomy! I love making my own schedules and not answering to anyone. If only...