reunion

Hens & Chicks, planted in the front yard

Years ago, while Bill was fighting Tina for custody of Emily, he experienced another loss. His ex-wife Susan was struggling with Tina's erratic behaviour. Susan had married Bill a few years earlier, when Bill's plans included a career with the RCMP, and together they'd had a daughter named Betheny. The death of Susan's father, her mother's quick rebound within weeks of his death, and Bill's resignation from the force broke apart the marriage.

Three years later Bill found himself in a custody battle for Em, and Tina began calling Susan. Most of the calls involved accusations against Bill and made the other family very, very uncomfortable.

"She won't leave us alone," Susan explained. "My fiance is in the RCMP and he's a good man. He wants to raise Betheny as his own. She doesn't have to grow up around that, Bill."

When Betheny was four, Bill signed away his parental rights.

Just a few weeks ago, they made contact. Susan has agreed to bring Betheny, 17, to a coffee house to see Bill.

Thirteen years! Bill is so happy and excited to see how she's grown up. We knew this day would come...and we hope things go well when he meets her this month.

alberta reynolds museum

Jamie, Bill and I drove north to Wetaskiwin in June to see Sensei Marr, shop at Liquidation World, and visit the Reynolds Museum, which has both vintage cars and aircraft.
This was one of my favourite cars, because it takes such interesting photos.
I'm so accustomed to plastic/vinyl sterring wheels that I found this one to be stunning! Also, some of the cars felt as though they still carried energy from their previous drivers.

If you're ever near Wetaskiwin, it's worth the trip to see the hundreds of reconditioned cars, trucks and farm equipment.

I've had a camera since last January but to be honest, I wasn't interested in using it. It's not just that I was busy with work, but has more to do with my husband. Bill is the most wonderful man I know, and over the last few years he's gotten better in every single department except one: he has a problem with certain boundaries.

For example, when he gave me the camera, I really wanted it to be mine. I gathered up all the camera related stuff (the disc, the instruction manual, the cords) and put them in the desk where I'd be able to locate it when I had a moment to look it over and figure out how to use it. The next few weeks were busy with work and kids and snowstorms and before I knew it, the camera had been taken out. The manual was lost, as was the disc.

Six months later, I was able to round it all up and start again. I do resent when Bill or the kids just automatically assume that what's mine is theirs - whether it's my laptop, my phone, my camera, or my other gifts. Last Christmas the kids gave me an indoor herb garden and within a few weeks Bill had taken it out, planted it and set it on the window sill. Is it petty that I never even looked at them? They died a few months later.

Obviously, I'm going to have to bring this up again before Christmas, lol.

Happy Friday!

summer

The last few weeks have been brutal at work.

Omar was never friendly, warm or helpful toward me before, but once I kept having to work overtime, things deteriorated fast.

It's a vicious cycle; Bill's truck suffers some kind of breakdown (lately it's been the lift at the back. Once that goes, just try getting anything in or out of the back. It's very dangerous as well and must be fixed immediately.) When that happens, he will dispatch me to deliver to the hospitals and depots on his route. Invariably, this adds two to three hours to my route, which means I work through my lunch and at four o'clock, I have to call Omar.

"Hi Omar, Kate here. I'm into overtime."

"Why are you working overtime?"

"I'm delivering to the Prairie Depot."

"Why?"

"Bill delivers to them on Tuesday but that is the day his lift broke and he had to get a rental. He didn't arrive until after 6:00 pm and by then everything was locked up and he couldn't deliver."

"I meant, why are YOU doing it?"

"They called the answering service last night. They're out of oxygen and need it today."

"You didn't answer me. Why are YOU doing it?"

"No one else can do it."

"Why isn't Bill doing it?"

"He won't return from the east until 6:30 tonight. Prairie is another 90 minutes to the south, which would put him over the fourteen hour limit."

"This is unacceptable. I will have to come up there to see where these inefficiencies are coming from."

The thing is, he knows. Bill keeps him apprised and often leaves him messages breaking down all the details of the breakdowns and resulting changes to our routes. He's always friendly and helpful toward Bill, but openly hostile toward me.

At the end of last week, things got even worse, and I had to refuse some unsafe work. I just hope that everything can start to settle down a bit after this!

Some good news I have is that I recently gave up caffeine, as it's been causing reflux since I quit smoking four years ago. I've been trying to figure out what my pain was all these years, and one day Jamie saw the topic discussed on Dr. Oz.

I looked into it, spoke to a pharmicist, and went decaf the next day. What a difference! I had a few days of withdrawal but I feel pretty good now.

Our whole family was able to go camping last weekend - it was fun, even though it rained the first night. We rented a little cabin out by the lake near my parents farm. We had a fire and Jamie made S'mores (which I tried for the first time) and the next day, we all rented paddle boats and cooked ribs on the fire outside.

As I write this, Bill is unloading the dishwasher and Jamie is still asleep. Em is staying with Bill's sister out on the farm, so it's a lot quieter, lol. I think I see some laundry in my immediate future, so happy Saturday!

newfoundlanders!

Here's a grainy pic of Emily, myself and Bill at Christmas this past year, which was held at Cathy's farm out near Rimbey. Christmas was kind of the start of integrating Bill's family into our lives.

Not that we were avoiding them or anything...okay, maybe a little.

With Bill just coming out of two years of isolation when we met (he'd had a helluva time getting custody of Em and trying to find a job that would work around having a six year old. Daycares don't usually accept kids at 4:30 am, which is what time Bill had to leave when he was welding) he decided to lay low.

Lay low from his sister Cathy, who'd witnessed his struggle while she went through her own, working in Alberta while her kids stayed in Newfoundland. When she settled down here, it took another year before we got a call from their mum, Margie, to get together because Cathy's son was in the hospital with appendicitus.

It didn't take long before Bill's mum & dad came out, and as of last week, his cousins out of Labrador. To be honest, the whole family is awesome. I've enjoyed meeting and talking with all of them, and just love the whole culture, from the food to their interesting dialects.

I'm off to work for awhile. Happy Sunday!

Sundays at the Farm

My late husband Dale with his Sensei in August, 2002

Last week, after Cathy, Jamie, Bill and I finished cleaning, Cathy commented on how quiet my mum was.

"She just sat there with these big eyes," she said. "Has she always been so quiet?"

I explained that she'd been almost 73 when Dale got sick, and to be honest, Dale was the glue that held our family together. Sundays at the farm usually started around 11:00 when Debbie would show up with her kids, David and Mercy. Dale, Jamie and I would show up within the hour, and everyone sat around the kitchen visiting while the kids chased around the handful of cats and kittens.

Sometimes we moved out to the deck, but most of the time we stayed inside because Mum would have a beef roast in the oven, and Daole would want to make Yorkshire Pudding. Debbie would start cooking some kind of desert, and I would put on a pot of veggies and stand by to make the gravy.

Debbie's husband, Dean, would show up by 1:30 and by then, dinner would be ready and we'd all have this huge feast.

In the last few years when he was chronically drinking, things slowed down a bit but didn't completely stop until he started going blind in April of 2002. This is when Mum started getting really quiet. She suffered through his illness and death almost as much as me.

In the months and years that followed, I couldn't go out there because of the ghosts that lingered. The men stopped helping as much as they had before - well, Dale was the one that helped the most. Helped look after the cows, mend the fences, build the deck, fix the roof, AND keep the cats under control.

In the almost nine years since Dale's death, the farm went to hell in a hand basket, and now it's up to me to suck it up and start helping on a more realistic basis. I began by going out yesterday and changing the sheets on their bed, doing some laundry, giving Mum a pedicure and cleaning their bathroom.

I hope things start to brighten up again, before either of them pass away.

update on Em

Emily's Para-Troopers: On a Mission to Overtake the Kitty House

Em has been doing very well since Tina's death last year. We passed the one year mark in March and while she often thinks about her mom, she knows that Tina is at peace now. For several years prior, Em had heard us speak of Dale and how we were working on forgiveness and living in peace - each day we strive for it and now Em does too.

When she moved here in 2006, she was eight years old and had trouble fitting in with the group of kids at her school. Today she is fourteen and still has the same class of kids. In the last year she has drifted apart from them; many of them are experimenting with sex (oral or digital) relationships (Em's BFF is on her fourth boyfriend, Em isn't permitted to have a boyfriend) smoking or drugs.

Jamie approached us in October to plead Em's case for a transfer from the Catholic School Division to the Public School Division. There's an International Baccalaureate program as well as all kinds of options for music and languages. We met with the school last month and it looks like a go-ahead. All her classmates are jealous, lol.

Today we're headed out to Cathy's farm, first to visit a greenhouse and later for supper. Tomorrow we're doing the big clean out at my parents' farm. Jamie, Bill and Cathy will be joining us; Em is glad to have school :)

*sigh*

Apparently it snowed early this morning - I'm so glad that it didn't stay!

Man, what a week. Just dealing with Mum and Jim and Steven wasn't enough. On Thursday, the owner of one of our competitors came into the office to confront us about a bunch of rumours he's been hearing. Most of the stff he threw at us I'd never even heard, but still, he wouldn't let it go. I asked him to leave, he wouldn't. I told him he was trespassing and he took a step toward me. I called the R.C.M.P.

OMG what drama! After calling the police, I had to speak to my boss three times, my boss's boss three times, I had to write out an incident report and a statement for the police (which btw, was "the best incident report" Constable Anderson had ever read. "Wow!," he exclaimed. "are you a writer?!")

Yesterday I got a text from my sister saying that she wasn't able to pick Mum up on Monday. I'd been hoping that Deb would take her up to her house while we do all the cleaning at the farmhouse, and maybe cut Mum's hair because she's been wanting it cut for over six weeks now. "Mum won't go anyway," it read.

I called Mum and asked her outright "did Deb ask you about getting a trim on Monday?"

"No. But someone's got to do it, it's too long."

"I'll do it. I can do it when we come out Monday."

My sister has been neglecting our mother for over a year now, ever since she started to reno the new (to her) house. The other day I called her to ask if she'd keep Steve's cat overnight but she refused, saying that her husband wouldn't allow it, in case the animal "contaminated" the ground at their acreage. Yesterday she was in the mall with her 16 year old daughter and almost walked into Jamie's store but when they saw her they stopped and went the other way. It hurt Jamie's feelings and when Jamie told me, it hurt my feelings.

I feel like she's mad because I "stirred things up." I think she'd rather forget Mum because Mum doesn't fit into the "class" she lives in now. My parents are poor but they're not stupid. I know Deb can't stand Jim - hell, sometimes I can't stand Jim, but he's my step-father and my Mum made that choice in 1974. Now Mum is 84 and needs us.

Shame on her. Shame on Mercy. I don't know how Dave got to be such a good kid, but thank god he was around to help us.

scary

random garden pic

I made the call to Animal Services yesterday.

I began by saying that I was sure it was not animal hoarding, even though my brother Steve has been trying to feed and care for them all. It began years ago, when my folks were still in their seventies. One neighbour dropped off an un-neutered Siamese, which got several females pregnant. Many of those animals stayed in the outbuildings and those kittens got pregnant. And so on.

We started talking about getting help last year. This year, it became unmanageable.

At any rate, after the first few minutes, the officer explained that since Steve is the one that tries looking after them, he'd be the one facing charges. At that point I got very upset and pointed out that Steve is a caregiver for our aging parents - he cleans the kitchen and floors and bathroom and also helps with yardwork and snow removal. He drives 100 miles round trip every week just to help Mum with the dishes and to change her bedding.

It's taken us years to act on this for this very reason alone, but now it is more important to improve quality of life for my parents.

Animal Control asked about adoption - did I think if they got several agencies involved, could they be rounded up, treated and adopted out?

"Maybe a small percentage," I replied. "But most are infested with mites, fleas, worms and disease. Personally, I think over 90% of them need to be euthanized."

They asked for a legal land description and I couldn't give it - yet.

"I need time to talk to my parents and my sister. They have one dog and three cats that are fixed and need to be removed before anyone shows up."

"We wouldn't seize that first day," she said.

"I need the weekend. Here is my on-call cell number and my husband's. If you don't hear from by Monday at noon, feel free to contact me."

I have to say that making that call was scary. I didn't cry on the phone with the officer, but did cry talking to my sister. Later, when Bill's sister Cathy offered to help clean the farm afterward, I cried again. "It's so bad, Cathy - I don't know if I could bear taking you out there."

I called Jim (step-father) to let him know that things were going to be proceeding quickly once the address was given. "I want for you and mum to be able to stay in that house. Also, if we had left it and someone else reported it, you would face charges because you're the landowner."

"I don't want the house condemned."

"I know. Don't tell Steven."

"He'll be here Monday night to clean but will leave again Tuesday morning - "

"I'll let them know. Debbie will take Buddy (Steve's cat) and Cathy is taking Lucy. We'll take the other two cats that are fixed -"

"They can stay here, in another room."

"I don't think so - they recommended we have those animals completely removed so as not to hinder the seizure."

"Okay."

The next week is going to be long and hard. You know, if you had told me this would happen when I was eighteen, I would laughed in your face. Back then, Jim made sure the cat population was under control! It's scary seeing what can happen, once you get old! I hope my kids are around to help us out.

no sharing!

Back in the old days, I had a desktop computer, a keyboard, a digital camera and a program to edit photos. I miss it a lot! Bill even gave me a new digital camera when the old one gave up the ghost, but of course both computers are in bad shape. Bill used my laptop so much (and downloaded P2P file sharing as well as games) that it crashed within months. I gave it to him.

I use an old system hooked up to the TV to play on FB or write posts, but I don't really like it. What I'm hoping for this week is a sizable dividend cheque from my local Co-op. You see, we have these grocery stores/gas stations/liquor stores/home building supply stores that are owned by members like me. Twenty years ago I purchased a membership for $1.00 and every year I receive dividend cheques that range in amount from $35 to $350.

Since I drive a company van and use a company fleet fuel card, I've been filling up to the tune of $150/week since last August. 5% of that is $255.00 plus anything I purchased in food or liquor...I'm hoping to get at least $350.00 tomorrow. If I do, I'll be getting a little netbook that can be for my own use only.

It must sound selfish, but in a family like mine, you need to have your own stuff. Seriously, as much as I love Bill, I do NOT want to share a comp with him. Shoot me.

Today is raining but I'd love to be able to pick up some bedding plants. I know, I know! It's a problem. I'm hoping to be able to take some pics this week and post them so you can all see my gardening efforts.

Happy Victoria Day!

the angel closes her eyes

my "Simpsonize Me" pic from a few years ago

If you happen to be a JSer, then you know that we lost one of our own this past week, likeisaid, or Betty. I was completely gobsmacked when I read that Betty had passed on in her sleep - it seems as though she'd just lost her beloved husband, Paul. My heart goes out to her two sisters, Sally & Paula. Some of my favourite posts were from these southern sisters! Old black & whites from the 60's and 70's (loved those little shift dresses!) blurry coloured pics from the 80's, posing with their men and their cars.

Paula and Sal - if you're reading this, I am so, so sorry.

As always, work is really busy and we spend our time trying to get more things done than we did the day before. I'm used to this kind of pace and it doesn't stress me out very much. I do get stressed by my boss, though.

He's calming down a little (dare I say, he's even getting a little beat down by the amount of work?) and he's lightening up a little. Yesterday when he called me about another conference call I was late to he actually laughed when I said "holy crap, another one?"

At home, the big project involves a visit from Bill's parents and his younger brother, Craig, In April. They'll be spending the odd night at our house here in the city and that means painting the downstairs, converting the downstairs living room to a studio apartment for Em, getting Jamie's room ready (she's moving back after the last semester ends and staying until July or August) buying a new bed for Em's old room and getting the carpets cleaned. So far, we have the new throw rugs, lol.

I'll be waking Bill from his nap in a few moments. What is everyone else doing?

weekend update

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy!

Work has been crazy. Last Thursday I was on my out-of-town delivery route and decided to cut through the city on my way through to Innisfail, which is a little town about half an hour south of here. While I was driving past the greyhound bus depot, a deer ran into the street and tackled my van. Took out the passenger front panel and the mirror, fell, then got back up and ran behind the Sun Life building. It was shocking and took awhile for the adrenaline to stop pumping through me!

We have two new RRT's (respiratory therapists) but one is kind of office-bound doing C-PAP fittings and since she's very young (twenty-one) she's dying to get out into the field and I'm worried that she will quit if if we don't find a way to get her out of the office. I know that she accepted the office job, but that was prior to finding out that she passed the board test and got her designation. Since then, she's been in contact with the local hospital and even set up a rotation to get some experience there. *sigh* I do not have complete faith that Omar will abide by it, but he's got to tread lightly with this one. She won't take his crap and has a lot more going for her than our company.

I've developed quite a good rapport with the other new RRT, Linda. She's in her late thirties and we have a lot in common, including familial problems (her parents could be a lot more supportive) and losses (her brother was much like Dale and died last year.) She tends to run late but works into the night, and I can usually cover whatever is happening first thing in the morning. She has also helped me an awful lot in the warehouse, cleaning and testing equipment that had been getting backlogged since two of our older nursing homes closed their doors for good.

I feel pretty good about the team we have now.

Emily has grown an inch since we last measured, and she is now 1/2" taller than Bill and 1 1/2" taller than me. We knew this day would come.

Jamie is busy writing mid-terms this week and continues to lose weight. Last week I picked up these two wool jackets on major clearance ($35 for both!) and she swiped the shorter one with the fitted, empire waist. I hope she keeps it up at this steady pace.

Bill and I are still doing really good. I worry about being too exhausted to pay much attention to each other during the week; so many days either he or I need to have a nap to get through the evening and the odd time we have to go to bed at 9:00 pm and pass out! Weekends are just what we need to relax, and this coming Monday is Family Day which means I get a three days off. Yay!

I'm off to read some blogs. Happy Saturday!

payment in full

image by Troy Kajala

March brings the one year anniversary of Tina's death.

Tina is Emily's mom. She was twenty-five and Bill was thirty when she born, and for the first few years it seemed as though everything would be okay. Not that there weren't huge red flags in regard to Tina'a mental illness (she was bi-polar with personality disorders and munchausen's) but then, it would be at least four years before it all fell apart and a bitter custody battle ensued.

By the time I met Bill and Em, they were living 5,000 km from Tina, and like the rest of Tina's family and friends, trying to avoid contact. By then she'd pretty much gone off the deep end, God love her. She'd become addicted to oxycontin, oxycodiene, zopiclone...I don't know what else. I do know about addictive behaviour and she was living the life. Almost a year after her suicide, there are only five pictures of her tagged on Facebook and a slew of private messages and emails did not turn up any more. It was like that with Dale too - we have precious few of him in the last two years.

Anyway, we've thought a lot of her in the last ten months. It's true that she was hard to deal with, and we often ignored her because even though she said she was calling for Em, she would ask mostly about Bill and what he looked like now, or what did I look like, or what were we doing.

We have some guilt around that, but mostly we have peace.

I'll never know if Tina knew she'd be giving us peace, but I know that Dale knew and he was okay with dying if that meant we'd all be free. Dale wanted Jamie and I to have a chance to start over. Tina had lived with the depression and mental illness since she was a child and had very little in the way of support.

Sunday Feb 6/11

Yesterday we had cable, internet and a landline installed again, after a period of (maybe?) three years! At any rate, I had to go to work afterward and wasn't able to finish my post.

I've been thinking a lot about Tina, though not steady. Sometimes weeks will go by and it won't dawn on me that Em was born to someone else! Then she'll laugh or run, or get mad and make that face where she purses her lips - and I will see Tina's teenaged heart shining through. I can see her before she became too jaded, before the illness seized and destroyed her. Before she realized that she wasn't strong enough to navigate this world...it's so sad.

Then I start thinking about how alike Tina and Dale were, how lucky it was that we all ended up together. I have my two girls, Bill has the fmily he was wishing for, Em has a mother she can count on, and Jamie has a father that she can trust.

I have so much I can't even name it all here.

Because of that, both Dale and Tina are in a good place. By that I mean, we think of them often and wish them peace, we mourn the loss of what might have been in the future and we wonder if they come to visit us as often as it seems. We hope they know that whatever mistakes they made here on earth have been forgiven. They owe no debt to any of us. As each of them faced their moment of death, the slate was wiped clean.

monday

I'm not sure where I found the painting, so I apologize in advance for not knowing the artist. It's so pretty, I must have used it as a wallpaper at one time or another.

Anyway, things have been going very well these last few days. I got hooked on a Showtime show called The United States of Tara. I watched both seasons online and can't wait until the show returns in 2011. I love the quirky, intense characters and unusal storylines.

My parents gifted us with a 1/4 of beef!
For those who may not know, that is 250 lbs of ground beef, roasts, ribs, steaks (including the tenderloin) and stew meat. It almost completely filled our 7 cubic foot freezer. What an awesome gift, I just couldn't thank them enough.

Rogue is adapting well. She's eight weeks old but still only two pounds! She's been treated for all the fleas and other nasty disorders (including an eye problem and intestinal problem) and totally accepts us as her clan, poor kitty.

commitment

The last few weeks have been so busy that I haven't had an opportunity to blog or to read blogs. I've thought about everyone though; particularly since the JS crowd has been posting like crazy on Facebook!

I usually get a chance to have coffee and blog on Saturday mornings, but last week our boss in Edmonton wanted us to work Saturday so that we could get a head start on inventory. Bill, Marianne and I showed up around 10:30 and stayed 'til just about 5:00, counting C-Pap machines and oxygen therapy equipment. To be honest, it's been a nightmare.

The woman that ran the office prior to our arrival often lent out machines without documentation, she also cut open bags to take clips or headgear from sets. Also, respiratory therapists come in and take supplies without filling out the proper forms. I have to say, my resentment has truly built up for this company this past two weeks! My temporary contract runs out on Monday and I still have no idea whether they'll be offering me a permanent position or not.

When I brought it up last week, the manager from Edmonton looked up and said, "Oh. Maybe something part time? Would you do that?" I agreed, but for the record, I average over fifty hours per week.

If it comes down to the company not wanting to offer me benefits, so be it. Bill has benefits, I don't need them; but I do need to know that I am valued as an employee. I love my job most days, and I really enjoy taking care of my customers. If I have to, I'll start applying to the competition.

Today I'd like to go see my mom, who's turning 82 next weekend. I got her a very pretty teal coloured cardigan and tank and since you never know when you'll be called out, I'd better take it to her now in case next week doesn't work out.

Have a nice weekend!

another day off

Random garden art. Love stuff like this!

Yesterday was such a lovely day!

Bill and I usually spend Sundays loading/unloading his 3 ton truck, sorting empty cylinders and decontaminating and transferring equipment to our biomed location in Calgary, but this week we did it on Saturday and boy did we get a lot done! Thank goodness too, because in the last few days we've had a lot of call outs to change concentrators and we were so behind we were having to clean & test on the go.

Having everything finished early meant that I could do some gardening while the turkey was in the oven, and I took full advantage of that. I moved a peony tree from the front yard to the back (I think it's going to need it's own micro-climate this winter, and since I moved it into a corner area, I believe it'll survive) and I edged some of the other beds I have in front with soft red brick. Although I don't always like the look of it when it's freshly installed, I know it'll look great next spring once the annuals are planted.

By five in the afternoon, I had much of the garden cleaning done and while Em and I drove off to collect Jamie from work, Bill mashed the potatoes and drained the veggies and took the turkey out of the oven.

Dinner was lovely! The bird was only ten pounds and went quickly, and after dinner we settled in the living room with coffee and cheesecake to watch "One Week", a Canadian independent film with Joshua Jackson. Loved it and highly recommend it!

Today is Holiday Monday, which means I get an extra day off (again, thank goodness! I put in 51 hours last week) and we're driving out to Eckville to see Bill's sister. Since she lost her MIL to cancer in January, she has quit work as a camp cook and stays home on the family farm to help look after her FIL; this has meant she could send for her fifteen year old son in Newfoundland and she's thrilled. She has not lived full time with her children for several years, because she had to leave the province to work. Now that she has Brent back, she's spoiling him rotten! Good thing he's such a nice boy.

Happy Monday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and I have a lot to be thankful for!
My parents are all alive and relatively happy, my oldest is in college and working and Bill and Em are doing well and their respective families are all okay.

Em is coping well with the suicide of her mom, which happened in March this year. Since she's turned 13 (in May) we've really stepped up our expectations in regard to how well she cares for her own possessions, how much she helps us around the house and how willing she is to be open about her friends and aquaintences and she's done pretty good. There have been a few times that we've had heated exchanges, but that is to be expected. Man, the teenage years are hard on everyone!!

Jamie is enjoying college but really needs to get out of retail and FAST. She's been trying to do both because she put off asking for a loan, but after her manager started gunning for her (writing her up for almost anything! She's had to refuse to sign a few complaints because they were completely made up) she's decided to resign and is looking for something more part time and hopefully, with a team that doesn't have an ego based manager. Jamie is a lot like me when I was younger, and having such a strong personality doesn't go over very well with managers like that, lol.

This past week was a lot better in terms of work, and I cried only three times, which is an improvement! One of the problems is that I am very sensitive to other people's pain; this is something I have always had and it got worse after Dale's passing. If someone yells at me or treats me badly I must chalk it up to stress or worry, but I am getting better at ignoring it. Remember Mr Avery from last week? He was in the hospital this past Wednesday and I didn't have to deliver any cylinders, but I was awfully worried knowing how he'd been feeling the week before. I can only hope that he recovers okay, or if he can't, that he goes quickly and without pain.

Okay, I'm off to read a few blogs. Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadians!

I made excellent tai chicken for dinner and now I am too tired to write for long.

Here's Bill and Em from two summers ago.

Bill is thirty pounds lighter (from working so many hours since Christmas) and doesn't have the glasses anymore, and Em is now 5'7".

We need another vacation so that I can update the pics!

sunday again, already?

photographer unknown

It's a beautiful Sunday today, 10 C°!
Bill is in the front yard fixing the truck (fuel pump) the kids are downstairs cleaning, and I'm trying to figure out what to make for supper on Tuesday night. Bill's sister and BIL are coming for supper and will see our house for the first time!

I love having people over for dinner. It's one of the only times our family will pull together to do a major clean (floors, entranceway, windows, bathrooms - it's a Spring Clean every time!)

Update on Em: She's doing very well and so is Bill; in fact, there is a sense of freedom in the house that we have never had before. Tina's death kind of set off some memories for me (which kind of surprised me) but I went for my yearly physical on Friday and the doc gave me some Xanax to handle the anxiety.

I'll probably pick it up on Monday, not sure if I'll try it at all during the school day but save it for afterward - the last thing I want is to fall asleep while I'm supposed be working on geometry.

I'm off to finish the meatballs. Happy Sunday!

blast from the past; Sept 29, 1990

Kathy and part of Dale, the night we met
An old friend recently posted this pic of me from the night that I met my late husband; it was taken on September 29, 1990. So hard to believe it's been twenty years!

Anyway, with Tina's passing last weekend, it seems that Bill and I have even more in common than our love for the kids and similar goals for the future. When I saw this picture of me, my first thought was she has no idea what she's in for. Dale and Tina turned out to be very much alike, except that Tina had a bigger mean streak than Dale did. Both of them died young - Dale was thirty-five and Tina was thirty-eight and they both suffered for years and years.

In the pic I'm twenty-five and single for the first time in almost five years, Jamie would have been about twenty months old then. The night I met Dale I was supposed to meet up with a bunch of friends at a nightclub called Branley's but this guy Shawn called. Now I have mixed feelings for Shawn - I always liked him, but never that way, so when he called to ask me over for a drink I politely declined.

"Sorry," I remember saying, "I gotta take a cab to Branley's and I won't have enough money left if I stop off first." The truth was, I knew he was interested but didn't want to ward off any advances. Still, he kept trying.

"My buddy's here and he'll come to get you."

"Hmmm. Think he'd give me a ride to Branley's afterward?"

Turned out his buddy was Dale. I can picture him now in his Saskatchewan Roughriders football jersey, Levi's and sneakers. From the moment I met him I really liked him, and after we woke up the next morning he drove me home and asked me out on a real date. Shawn tried warning me that he would break my heart and he did, but not for several more years.

I find it ironic that both Dale and Tina suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. It's characterized by depression, black and white thinking, fear of abandonment, substance abuse, anger issues and suicidal thoughts. Of course, Tina was also bi-polar and had another mental illness called Muncheusen's, but essentially it came down to two things - they were both charming, smart and attractive, but neither had the strength to survive. Dale died twelve years and three days after the picture was taken.

During the next seven years I would be plagued a variety of emotional issues and crippling shoulder pain. Bill survived a mild heart attack but still deals with depression and occasional shoulder and back pain. The kids are still doing well and we pray every day they continue to do so. I know I'll always worry, knowing that Jamie and Em were so badly effected by all the chaos, but they seem stronger for having survived it as well.
Tomorrow, Bill's sister is coming into town and we're all seeing a movie. Since we're too far away to have attended Tina's service, everyone thought a Family Day would be good.

Have a good weekend!

I'll miss your smooth ride

in the new house, 2004

I've been missing you all and have been missing the writing, so I'm happy to have a day off from work. Both jobs have been going well and I've gotten into a habit of getting ready for work without coffee or the internet (although sometimes I have to stop for a double-double, even if that means inhaling it in the lunchroom before starting my shift) and then playing around on Farmtown or playing Pathwords after work, before hand washing my work clothes and getting into bed.

The big event this week is about my truck, a 2007 Nissan Xterra that I leased two and a half years ago when I began my career with Sun Life Financial. At the time, the $700 payment seemed a little steep but I expected to make enough commissions to cover that as well as my other living expenses, and the the entire payment was a tax write off. For many, many months Bill's wages had to cover everything, which was incredibly tight. By the time I left the insurance gig, Bill was only a few weeks away from losing his job, and the payments became crippling.

I'm ashamed to admit that after each payment was made, I couldn't afford to buy food. Still, the thought of losing my incredibly reliable vehicle, which has four wheel drive and tackles the Alberta winters like a pro, would make me almost sick to my stomach.

Last Wednesday I finally had the $1,400 together to catch up the payments, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed to get Emily's winter boots and meat for the freezer, I knew I needed to pay the utilities and I knew that I needed to get the insurance back on the house and I needed to get my life insurance back in place. All day Thursday I sat on that money, thinking it would be okay. By Friday morning I was letting go of the truck, and by the time early afternoon rolled around I knew I was going to let it go. That day, Bill and I searched around for a suitable car that I could drive to work, and found a little red one, which I hope to pick up on Friday.

Anyway, this afternoon I'm cleaning out the truck and taking it back to Nissan dealer. I can't say I won't be sad but I hope that Bill can buy me another one some day - a used one.