I've been struggling a little in the last few months with Em.
It's not that she is any different than any other twelve year old girl, but I truly feel the absence of a bond. Mothers will know what I mean - you can love a child and care deeply how happy they are, but the frustration that goes with loving someone who is going through one of the most self-centered stages of their lives is overwhelming.
I find myself doing the same thing I did with Jamie at that age - pick that up, put that away, why is there nail polish on the coffee table, whose bra is this, stop wasting food, save your money, have a shower, eat some real food and with it comes the denials and the eye rolling.
When Jamie hated me at that age, I knew the relationship would recover, but this is my first step-child and I hate it that right now she hates me. I hate that I try to avoid too much time with her and she tries to avoid too much time with me.
I hate that I am the only one to stay after her on this. Bill works so much, it really is up to me. I think I need to take her out to lunch so we can talk about all this openly. *sigh*
Sad to hear. A talk will be a good thing just try not to expect much. Like your daughter it will pass in time.
ReplyDeleteTo make myself feel better when my kids were going through the eye-rolling stage, I would say something like: "I really wish you liked me more right now but if I simply gave you exactly what you say that you want, well, it would just be terribly irresponsible on my part. It would also mean I'm a real crappy mom. Fortunately for you I'm a very GOOD mother -- so, 'no,' you truly canNOT go out in public with just dental floss for a swimsuit."
ReplyDeleteSorry, I don't have much parenting advice. Just let her know you're there for her and you'll be as supportive as possible, if she allows you to. And just keep the lines of communication open!
ReplyDeleteI’m very sorry about this – what you say about having a word with her and appealing to her better nature may be the best thing to do. Get her to realise you’ve got problems too. And threaten to beat her within an inch of her life if she makes any more trouble, of course.
ReplyDeleteAt this age it seems like you can't win no matter what. You have to be a team when it comes to the house rules no matter how busy Bill is at work or she will use it against you.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't have to like you but she has to respect you and your home.
i feel for you,this is a difficult time...
ReplyDeleteBTW I forgot to comment on the Not The Momma title. I used to love that dinosaur show.
ReplyDeletelittle girls...little girls leave bras laying about? Oh my...I have so much to learn.
ReplyDeleteA parent is nothing but persistent. They are the only people in your life that are in it for the long run. Others may come and go but mom and dad are constants.
This would be really hard. I've seen friends and family struggle with teenagers that were biologically theirs but to have to go through it with a step child would be especially hard. Kudos to your for caring so much and wanting to reach her!
ReplyDeleteLunch sounds just about perfect - doesn't even have to be anything more than burger and fries.
ReplyDeleteA parent= apparent.
That you care shouws you're doing great. Now, do lunch.
Talk and relax, see where it goes, Kate.
ReplyDeleteStep parenting is hard... I've had two step-fathers. Ultimately you're her mom. And that's the hardest thing to remember. Children often test us but in the end will respect and love you more when you are consistent and loving as you've always been (I'm sure!).
ReplyDeleteHang in there...
Much love!
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you! While no great words of wisdom come to me I think it is to your credit that you care so deeply. All my girls are grown and one thing they always knew that they were loved regardless of the dress, attitude, and other irritations. The love is everlasting and is eventually appreciated and celebrated.
ReplyDeleteEvery thing that is done with love will survive time.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the eye-rolling thing and the MESSY, food encrusted room. Kate it's not just step children. Our 12 year old daughter is starting the same things as you describe here. Basically she is a good kid who makes good grades and is sensitive to the plight of others. The pre-teen behavior is simply that, an age thing, and parents just have to hang tough. It'll pass...I hope.
ReplyDeleteYou're being a good (step)mother, but I know how mind-bending these "whatever" years can be. Ugh, I can feel it through my screen. I feel for you. I'm glad you vented and acknowledge the depth of stress you're experiencing. I'm with you on this, and you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteDavid
Lori - me too! I wondered if anyone would recognize it!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to like my 12 year old daughter these days. I give so much credit to stepmoms of adolescent girls. Talk about a thankless job! I find it helps us a lot when we do things together that put us on more equal footing for an hour or two, time where I'm not teaching her or telling her anything. It's even better if I'm asking her opinion about something--color combinations or how something tastes--and showing I respect her as a person in her own right. Otherwise it is way too much "pick up your shoes, take a shower, turn off your phone..."
ReplyDeleteI need to get better at ignoring the eyeroll and walking away when we've both said our piece instead of belaboring the issue.
We are going through this with Zack. Brian feels just like you, it really is hard being a step-parent.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like all we ever do is moan at him and tell him to do/not do things.
I read his text messages when hes asleep, there was one to his friend telling her he hated me...the tween years are killing me!!!!