blogging is my only vice

pretty.

2011-09-23T13:14:00.002-06:00

I have come to love Portulaca Grandiflora, or Moss Rose.

It's planted all over the front yard but absolutely thrives in hot, dry, sunny locations! This patch is at the end of my walkway, amongst the sedum, allium and Black Velvet petunias.

There's a small chance it'll survive our Zone 3 winter, but only if it gets sufficient cover.

reunion

2011-09-23T12:40:00.004-06:00

Hens & Chicks, planted in the front yard

Years ago, while Bill was fighting Tina for custody of Emily, he experienced another loss. His ex-wife Susan was struggling with Tina's erratic behaviour. Susan had married Bill a few years earlier, when Bill's plans included a career with the RCMP, and together they'd had a daughter named Betheny. The death of Susan's father, her mother's quick rebound within weeks of his death, and Bill's resignation from the force broke apart the marriage.

Three years later Bill found himself in a custody battle for Em, and Tina began calling Susan. Most of the calls involved accusations against Bill and made the other family very, very uncomfortable.

"She won't leave us alone," Susan explained. "My fiance is in the RCMP and he's a good man. He wants to raise Betheny as his own. She doesn't have to grow up around that, Bill."

When Betheny was four, Bill signed away his parental rights.

Just a few weeks ago, they made contact. Susan has agreed to bring Betheny, 17, to a coffee house to see Bill.

Thirteen years! Bill is so happy and excited to see how she's grown up. We knew this day would come...and we hope things go well when he meets her this month.

alberta reynolds museum

2011-09-09T11:40:00.005-06:00

Jamie, Bill and I drove north to Wetaskiwin in June to see Sensei Marr, shop at Liquidation World, and visit the Reynolds Museum, which has both vintage cars and aircraft.
This was one of my favourite cars, because it takes such interesting photos.
I'm so accustomed to plastic/vinyl sterring wheels that I found this one to be stunning! Also, some of the cars felt as though they still carried energy from their previous drivers.

If you're ever near Wetaskiwin, it's worth the trip to see the hundreds of reconditioned cars, trucks and farm equipment.

I've had a camera since last January but to be honest, I wasn't interested in using it. It's not just that I was busy with work, but has more to do with my husband. Bill is the most wonderful man I know, and over the last few years he's gotten better in every single department except one: he has a problem with certain boundaries.

For example, when he gave me the camera, I really wanted it to be mine. I gathered up all the camera related stuff (the disc, the instruction manual, the cords) and put them in the desk where I'd be able to locate it when I had a moment to look it over and figure out how to use it. The next few weeks were busy with work and kids and snowstorms and before I knew it, the camera had been taken out. The manual was lost, as was the disc.

Six months later, I was able to round it all up and start again. I do resent when Bill or the kids just automatically assume that what's mine is theirs - whether it's my laptop, my phone, my camera, or my other gifts. Last Christmas the kids gave me an indoor herb garden and within a few weeks Bill had taken it out, planted it and set it on the window sill. Is it petty that I never even looked at them? They died a few months later.

Obviously, I'm going to have to bring this up again before Christmas, lol.

Happy Friday!

house leeks

2011-09-04T11:05:00.005-06:00

I really enjoy growing Hens & Chicks. There's something about the way they send out these little babies, easily removed and replanted somewhere else, that makes them so much fun. Three of the ones I removed last year sent up blooms.

Others, like the ones shown here, just cluster a littler tighter. I think I have twenty or so right now and it'll be interesting to see how they fair over the winter. We drop down to -35°C and it always surprises me to see what comes back and what doesn't.

the kids

2011-08-28T16:39:00.003-06:00

Yay! My old JS friend helped me figure out how to post using IE9. Here's a pic of my oldest daughter Jamie (L) another friend, and Emily, on the right, at a wedding a few weeks ago.

long time, no see

2011-08-28T11:27:00.003-06:00

flowers by the front porch
The flowers in the pic are Malva, which I started from seed in May. To be honest, I had no idea how tall they'd be! I have tried keeping up with heights, widths, sun exposure needs and watering needs, but there is a LOT to remember!

These sprung from three or four seedlings that were about an inch tall when I planted them June 25th. Currently they stand about 27" or 28" and are covered with thousands of little pinkish blooms that draw bees by the dozens. Thankfuly no problems with the bees, lol.

test

2011-08-04T14:14:00.006-06:00

I couldn't post anything yesterday, so I thought I'd try with a pic today. The publish button just didn't work!
This is my hubby, Bill, in his work truck. I hate the sunglasses, but they're a necessary evil for a driver on Alberta roads.
Anyway, he's a handsome guy in his uniform. Next week, on August 9th, we celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary! Hard to believe how time flies.
Happy Thursday!

burning bridges

2011-08-02T11:11:00.003-06:00

photographer unknown

Generally, I don't like to do it, and it always blows me away when a company like Vitalaire does it. It's been two weeks since I lost my job, and while I'm okay for the most part, it's taken it's toll on my confidence.

You see, the Regional Director had spent over thirty minutes going over the "upcoming meeting" with me, which was to include the CPAP specialist, Bill and the respiratory therapist and mostly deal with safety and how I was to spend the last three months of my contract so that they could re-organize the Red Deer office.

The same day, the Regional told the others that there would NOT be a meeting. When Bill called him about it, he was told to stay away. The following Monday, the respiratory therapist was told to stay away, presumably to keep me from talking to her. I spent the day alone.

On Tuesday Morning, I was trying to get some points together for the meeting and also trying to finish up some paperwork when TWO managers showed up from Edmonton. At this time, I STILL thought the whole branch could meet to discuss some of the problems - but they brought chairs into my office, left the others out front, and shut the doors behind them.

All they really had to do was let my current contract expire, but I think they had to make an example of me. Anyway, what a shitty way to handle things.

Today I have an interview with the competition, and I hope that I get it. Even if I don't get a company car, I'd be okay with that. I just hope that their hourly wage is close to what I was making before! Bill and I want to buy a decent car this year.

Wish me luck! I really need it.

july 30

2011-07-30T10:06:00.003-06:00

photo by Crystal Graham
We've had hail three times this week - my plants are shredded.

I've spent the last week and a half doing housework, writing resumes, and watching a Six Feet Under marathon. The SFU is something that always pulls me out of whatever problems I'm having at the moment, thank god.

I've applied at several places but can't call because the listing states "only those selected for the interview process will be contacted", although I did call the oxygen supply company. The manager was harried and barely wanted to speak to me.

"Where'd you send it? The resume?"

"HR."

"They haven't communicated to me in a week."

"Would you like me to send it on to you?" I asked. "Do you have a few moments now?"

"No, I'm too busy. Send it to me though."

I also applied at a farm dealer, as a warehouse manager. For that, I may need to take a forklift course, but I'm totally willing to do something like that. Sounds like fun.

Today we're going out to see my mum, since I haven't had the chance since losing my job (and company car) and I have some new sheets for their beds. I want to wash the floors, too.

Have a nice Saturday!

vitalaire healthcare lost a good employee today

2011-07-19T14:18:00.003-06:00

Last week I lodged a complaint against the area manager for Vitalaire in Southern Alberta.

The big kahuna came down from Edmonton today, to let me know that ALL my claims were unsubstantiated and he believes it comes down to a personality conflict. He gave me two weeks notice, which I declined. They'll pay me out.

He had a cab waiting for me, as he was taking my company van and cellphone.

I'm not sure how I feel - certainly, I'm disappointed that it came to this. I'm really going to miss my customers! But I will NOT miss Karim, the one I've been writing about under the pseudonym Omar.

One of the very first things he ever said to me was "What is your status and why are you driving one of those new vans?"

The next was to tell me that I was a "dominant woman" and had to back off.

He yelled at me every time I called to let him know I was working overtime.

I hope my next position is easier than the last few I've had. I know that I can have problems with bad managers but otherwise I am an awesome catch!

summer

2011-07-17T10:48:00.002-06:00

The last few weeks have been brutal at work.

Omar was never friendly, warm or helpful toward me before, but once I kept having to work overtime, things deteriorated fast.

It's a vicious cycle; Bill's truck suffers some kind of breakdown (lately it's been the lift at the back. Once that goes, just try getting anything in or out of the back. It's very dangerous as well and must be fixed immediately.) When that happens, he will dispatch me to deliver to the hospitals and depots on his route. Invariably, this adds two to three hours to my route, which means I work through my lunch and at four o'clock, I have to call Omar.

"Hi Omar, Kate here. I'm into overtime."

"Why are you working overtime?"

"I'm delivering to the Prairie Depot."

"Why?"

"Bill delivers to them on Tuesday but that is the day his lift broke and he had to get a rental. He didn't arrive until after 6:00 pm and by then everything was locked up and he couldn't deliver."

"I meant, why are YOU doing it?"

"They called the answering service last night. They're out of oxygen and need it today."

"You didn't answer me. Why are YOU doing it?"

"No one else can do it."

"Why isn't Bill doing it?"

"He won't return from the east until 6:30 tonight. Prairie is another 90 minutes to the south, which would put him over the fourteen hour limit."

"This is unacceptable. I will have to come up there to see where these inefficiencies are coming from."

The thing is, he knows. Bill keeps him apprised and often leaves him messages breaking down all the details of the breakdowns and resulting changes to our routes. He's always friendly and helpful toward Bill, but openly hostile toward me.

At the end of last week, things got even worse, and I had to refuse some unsafe work. I just hope that everything can start to settle down a bit after this!

Some good news I have is that I recently gave up caffeine, as it's been causing reflux since I quit smoking four years ago. I've been trying to figure out what my pain was all these years, and one day Jamie saw the topic discussed on Dr. Oz.

I looked into it, spoke to a pharmicist, and went decaf the next day. What a difference! I had a few days of withdrawal but I feel pretty good now.

Our whole family was able to go camping last weekend - it was fun, even though it rained the first night. We rented a little cabin out by the lake near my parents farm. We had a fire and Jamie made S'mores (which I tried for the first time) and the next day, we all rented paddle boats and cooked ribs on the fire outside.

As I write this, Bill is unloading the dishwasher and Jamie is still asleep. Em is staying with Bill's sister out on the farm, so it's a lot quieter, lol. I think I see some laundry in my immediate future, so happy Saturday!

newfoundlanders!

2011-06-26T12:56:00.002-06:00

Here's a grainy pic of Emily, myself and Bill at Christmas this past year, which was held at Cathy's farm out near Rimbey. Christmas was kind of the start of integrating Bill's family into our lives.

Not that we were avoiding them or anything...okay, maybe a little.

With Bill just coming out of two years of isolation when we met (he'd had a helluva time getting custody of Em and trying to find a job that would work around having a six year old. Daycares don't usually accept kids at 4:30 am, which is what time Bill had to leave when he was welding) he decided to lay low.

Lay low from his sister Cathy, who'd witnessed his struggle while she went through her own, working in Alberta while her kids stayed in Newfoundland. When she settled down here, it took another year before we got a call from their mum, Margie, to get together because Cathy's son was in the hospital with appendicitus.

It didn't take long before Bill's mum & dad came out, and as of last week, his cousins out of Labrador. To be honest, the whole family is awesome. I've enjoyed meeting and talking with all of them, and just love the whole culture, from the food to their interesting dialects.

I'm off to work for awhile. Happy Sunday!

peaceful

2011-06-19T13:35:00.003-06:00

a pic of Dale's wedding band, taken before I had to sell it

While it's true that life was never the same for my mum after Dale's death - well, for any of us, I have to admit that the quietness that came was healing.

Life went on. My step-dad continued to farm the land and the look after the cows, even if he was down to half a dozen head. My mum toodled around the house, took up crossword puzzles and lottery scratch tickets, and started sending Jim to get the groceries while she sat on the deck checking out her Peonies. For awhile, us kids prodded her to quit smoking and give up beer, but after a few years we realized that you can't change anyone, least of all your mum.

The last few days have helped me calm down too.

Yesterday I called her to follow up on the shower chair I took last weekend. "Mum," I practically yelled. "You have to try the chair before I come on Sunday. Sunday! If it's too big or too wide, I'll bring it back and exchange it."

"Do I have a shower chair?" she asked.

*sigh* Things went better with the bed. "Also, can you throw the sheets in the washer Sunday morning? I'll put them on for you."

This time, I could hear the smile in her voice. "Okay. I'll see you then!"

Now that she's accepting our help, it makes it easier for me to offer. And I'm going to take out some petunias for the front yard, and hang the lanterns I got for Jim for Father's Day. I'm looking forward to going out, once Bill returns from the shop.

Happy Father's Day!

Sundays at the Farm

2011-06-12T12:12:00.003-06:00

My late husband Dale with his Sensei in August, 2002

Last week, after Cathy, Jamie, Bill and I finished cleaning, Cathy commented on how quiet my mum was.

"She just sat there with these big eyes," she said. "Has she always been so quiet?"

I explained that she'd been almost 73 when Dale got sick, and to be honest, Dale was the glue that held our family together. Sundays at the farm usually started around 11:00 when Debbie would show up with her kids, David and Mercy. Dale, Jamie and I would show up within the hour, and everyone sat around the kitchen visiting while the kids chased around the handful of cats and kittens.

Sometimes we moved out to the deck, but most of the time we stayed inside because Mum would have a beef roast in the oven, and Daole would want to make Yorkshire Pudding. Debbie would start cooking some kind of desert, and I would put on a pot of veggies and stand by to make the gravy.

Debbie's husband, Dean, would show up by 1:30 and by then, dinner would be ready and we'd all have this huge feast.

In the last few years when he was chronically drinking, things slowed down a bit but didn't completely stop until he started going blind in April of 2002. This is when Mum started getting really quiet. She suffered through his illness and death almost as much as me.

In the months and years that followed, I couldn't go out there because of the ghosts that lingered. The men stopped helping as much as they had before - well, Dale was the one that helped the most. Helped look after the cows, mend the fences, build the deck, fix the roof, AND keep the cats under control.

In the almost nine years since Dale's death, the farm went to hell in a hand basket, and now it's up to me to suck it up and start helping on a more realistic basis. I began by going out yesterday and changing the sheets on their bed, doing some laundry, giving Mum a pedicure and cleaning their bathroom.

I hope things start to brighten up again, before either of them pass away.

she's not heavy, she's my mother

2011-06-09T09:38:00.003-06:00

photo by Linda Goodhue

I've been thinking about my mum for days, as well as my sister, Deb. Since Mum didn't have sheets on her bed when I was down on Monday, I thought I'd better call again yesterday.

"Mum, I know Debbie said she'd take care of your hair & feet, but I haven't heard from her in awhile."

"I don't know what's going on with her," my mum replied.

"Me either. I'm just going to come out and do it - I don't want to confront her or anything, I'm just going to do it. How many sets of sheets do you have for the new bed?"

"Just one, I think."

"Were they in the wash then? When I was there the other day?

"I don't know."

Mum is 84 and very frail.

"I was at the Sally Ann today and got some beautiful soft sheets for you. Yes! I got them for your bed. NO, YOUR BED." (She's hard of hearing, lol)

I'll be going out on Saturday to do a pedicure and put on the new sheets. Bill will be pressure washing the deck and checking the filter in the furnace.

I'm still mad at my sister, and to be honest, I think I will be for awhile.

awful realization

2011-06-06T08:19:00.002-06:00

I did some reading on Saturday and now realize that my brother and my parents are cat hoarders. They fit the entire profile - the good intentions, the way they tried to feed and administer medical care but lost control.

We knew there was a problem, my sister and I. In some ways, we're responsible! I feel terrible and I've been terribly anxious these past few weeks. It disturbed me this morning to realize that I'm scared of my brother, Steve.

At any rate, we're going out there today to clean - let's hope he doesn't come home while we're there.

update on Em

2011-06-05T09:58:00.003-06:00

Emily's Para-Troopers: On a Mission to Overtake the Kitty House

Em has been doing very well since Tina's death last year. We passed the one year mark in March and while she often thinks about her mom, she knows that Tina is at peace now. For several years prior, Em had heard us speak of Dale and how we were working on forgiveness and living in peace - each day we strive for it and now Em does too.

When she moved here in 2006, she was eight years old and had trouble fitting in with the group of kids at her school. Today she is fourteen and still has the same class of kids. In the last year she has drifted apart from them; many of them are experimenting with sex (oral or digital) relationships (Em's BFF is on her fourth boyfriend, Em isn't permitted to have a boyfriend) smoking or drugs.

Jamie approached us in October to plead Em's case for a transfer from the Catholic School Division to the Public School Division. There's an International Baccalaureate program as well as all kinds of options for music and languages. We met with the school last month and it looks like a go-ahead. All her classmates are jealous, lol.

Today we're headed out to Cathy's farm, first to visit a greenhouse and later for supper. Tomorrow we're doing the big clean out at my parents' farm. Jamie, Bill and Cathy will be joining us; Em is glad to have school :)

sigh

2011-06-04T11:39:00.002-06:00

Apparently it snowed early this morning - I'm so glad that it didn't stay!

Man, what a week. Just dealing with Mum and Jim and Steven wasn't enough. On Thursday, the owner of one of our competitors came into the office to confront us about a bunch of rumours he's been hearing. Most of the stff he threw at us I'd never even heard, but still, he wouldn't let it go. I asked him to leave, he wouldn't. I told him he was trespassing and he took a step toward me. I called the R.C.M.P.

OMG what drama! After calling the police, I had to speak to my boss three times, my boss's boss three times, I had to write out an incident report and a statement for the police (which btw, was "the best incident report" Constable Anderson had ever read. "Wow!," he exclaimed. "are you a writer?!")

Yesterday I got a text from my sister saying that she wasn't able to pick Mum up on Monday. I'd been hoping that Deb would take her up to her house while we do all the cleaning at the farmhouse, and maybe cut Mum's hair because she's been wanting it cut for over six weeks now. "Mum won't go anyway," it read.

I called Mum and asked her outright "did Deb ask you about getting a trim on Monday?"

"No. But someone's got to do it, it's too long."

"I'll do it. I can do it when we come out Monday."

My sister has been neglecting our mother for over a year now, ever since she started to reno the new (to her) house. The other day I called her to ask if she'd keep Steve's cat overnight but she refused, saying that her husband wouldn't allow it, in case the animal "contaminated" the ground at their acreage. Yesterday she was in the mall with her 16 year old daughter and almost walked into Jamie's store but when they saw her they stopped and went the other way. It hurt Jamie's feelings and when Jamie told me, it hurt my feelings.

I feel like she's mad because I "stirred things up." I think she'd rather forget Mum because Mum doesn't fit into the "class" she lives in now. My parents are poor but they're not stupid. I know Deb can't stand Jim - hell, sometimes I can't stand Jim, but he's my step-father and my Mum made that choice in 1974. Now Mum is 84 and needs us.

Shame on her. Shame on Mercy. I don't know how Dave got to be such a good kid, but thank god he was around to help us.

update

2011-06-03T07:44:00.002-06:00

Here's a picture of Rogue, the kitten we rescued from the farm six months ago. Although she still suffers from an upper respiratory issue and requires a shot of penicillan every month, she's got it pretty good with us.

Update on the kitties at the farm: My nephew called me Wednesday morning. We'd been waiting for my brother to come home and go back before beginning the clean-up but when Dave got out to the farm with his buddy they decided to go ahead.

They were able to euthanize over 80% of the feral animals, but it came at an emotional cost. Dave is the same age as Jamie and the two kids grew up together; weekends were often spent at the farm and cats have always been one of the draws for the kids. Once the cats got out of control Dave couldn't face going into the house anymore. This past week was so tough on him - not just the act of shooting the cats or burying them, but having to face what had happened to his grandparents and their home.

"I'm a little messed up now," he told me. "There are a few left, but I can't go back."

"I'm so sorry Dave! What you did for Grandma must have taken heroic strength. You saved them, and you saved those kitties from suffering."

"I know. Half the damn things couldn't breathe anymore. Still, what a fucking thing to have to do."

"I'm so sorry. We can't thank you enough. Don't worry about anything else - Bill will look for females on Monday. We're taking a cleaning crew out there."

Yesterday I stopped at Cathy's (she lives on my delivery route) and she's ready to come out with us and clean walls and floors. Today my step-dad and his brother are ripping out carpets and putting in laminate.

Somehow, I have to figure out how to seal the dirt basement. Anyway, things are happening quickly now. My parents sound happy on the phone, and that's a good thing.

the bright side

2011-05-31T08:45:00.003-06:00

It's true that the week ahead holds a lot of horror for Bill and I.

It's not fair that it's going to fall to us and to my sister's boy and his friend to euthanize those animals, but I've discovered that life isn't fair anyway. The upside to everything is that I'll be able to go in there afterwards and clean.

It's been traumatizing just going out there to visit and realizing that the air quality in my parents' home not acceptable. Knowing that dander and feces may be coming up out of the heat vents from the basement. Knowing that the house that my step-dad has lived in his entire life could be condemned - it's even scarier than having to euthanize all those animals. We're looking forward to being able to help them in many more ways than this.

*sigh*

In other news, I wasn't able to get a new netbook. The dividend cheque was only $130 due to a terrible fiscal year, but I have another plan. There's a place that sells refurbished netbooks for $230 and they'll take it in two payments, so that's what I'll do. Bill got his guitar this year and Em got her netbook this year, so I'll not feel guilty at all. Much.

I just need something to look forward to.

thanks for nothing

2011-05-30T21:27:00.002-06:00

The call from the SPCA Peace Officer didn't go well.

"Let me guess," she began. "Your family has let a cat problem get out of control and now you want us to come out, clean up after you, foot the bill and look the other way on charges -"

"I made the call because my parents have lost the ability to take control. And yes, I'm looking for help. I don't know who else to call and we need help."

"Who's paying the vet?"

"That's why we called. If I had the resources; if they had the resources, I wouldn't be talking to you."

"This is going to take several officers, several vans, a couple vets...thousands of dollars! There's only one of me - I'd have to bring in people from Edmonton and Calgary. I think you're going to have to take care of it yourself. Honestly, the most humane way to go about it is to get the help of a marksman."

In my mind, I'm thinking to myself Seriously?! Seriously??!!

So in the next week, my husband Bill and I, and my nephew and his friend will be making trips to the farm each night to systematically triage, treat, OR euthanize over 110 feral cats suffering from various illnesses. We're creating a new pet cemetery and Bill will be on hand to say several prayers after the burial.

It's agonizing to even think of it. I know that perhaps I was naive thinking that there'd be help, but I didn't really expect what we got when we called - nothing. No help, but threat of criminal charges if we don't comply. I think I know why it took us so long to act! In any event, our concerns lie with my parents and those animals.

Wish us luck.

scary

2011-05-28T09:04:00.002-06:00

random garden pic

I made the call to Animal Services yesterday.

I began by saying that I was sure it was not animal hoarding, even though my brother Steve has been trying to feed and care for them all. It began years ago, when my folks were still in their seventies. One neighbour dropped off an un-neutered Siamese, which got several females pregnant. Many of those animals stayed in the outbuildings and those kittens got pregnant. And so on.

We started talking about getting help last year. This year, it became unmanageable.

At any rate, after the first few minutes, the officer explained that since Steve is the one that tries looking after them, he'd be the one facing charges. At that point I got very upset and pointed out that Steve is a caregiver for our aging parents - he cleans the kitchen and floors and bathroom and also helps with yardwork and snow removal. He drives 100 miles round trip every week just to help Mum with the dishes and to change her bedding.

It's taken us years to act on this for this very reason alone, but now it is more important to improve quality of life for my parents.

Animal Control asked about adoption - did I think if they got several agencies involved, could they be rounded up, treated and adopted out?

"Maybe a small percentage," I replied. "But most are infested with mites, fleas, worms and disease. Personally, I think over 90% of them need to be euthanized."

They asked for a legal land description and I couldn't give it - yet.

"I need time to talk to my parents and my sister. They have one dog and three cats that are fixed and need to be removed before anyone shows up."

"We wouldn't seize that first day," she said.

"I need the weekend. Here is my on-call cell number and my husband's. If you don't hear from by Monday at noon, feel free to contact me."

I have to say that making that call was scary. I didn't cry on the phone with the officer, but did cry talking to my sister. Later, when Bill's sister Cathy offered to help clean the farm afterward, I cried again. "It's so bad, Cathy - I don't know if I could bear taking you out there."

I called Jim (step-father) to let him know that things were going to be proceeding quickly once the address was given. "I want for you and mum to be able to stay in that house. Also, if we had left it and someone else reported it, you would face charges because you're the landowner."

"I don't want the house condemned."

"I know. Don't tell Steven."

"He'll be here Monday night to clean but will leave again Tuesday morning - "

"I'll let them know. Debbie will take Buddy (Steve's cat) and Cathy is taking Lucy. We'll take the other two cats that are fixed -"

"They can stay here, in another room."

"I don't think so - they recommended we have those animals completely removed so as not to hinder the seizure."

"Okay."

The next week is going to be long and hard. You know, if you had told me this would happen when I was eighteen, I would laughed in your face. Back then, Jim made sure the cat population was under control! It's scary seeing what can happen, once you get old! I hope my kids are around to help us out.

no sharing!

2011-05-23T10:43:00.002-06:00

Back in the old days, I had a desktop computer, a keyboard, a digital camera and a program to edit photos. I miss it a lot! Bill even gave me a new digital camera when the old one gave up the ghost, but of course both computers are in bad shape. Bill used my laptop so much (and downloaded P2P file sharing as well as games) that it crashed within months. I gave it to him.

I use an old system hooked up to the TV to play on FB or write posts, but I don't really like it. What I'm hoping for this week is a sizable dividend cheque from my local Co-op. You see, we have these grocery stores/gas stations/liquor stores/home building supply stores that are owned by members like me. Twenty years ago I purchased a membership for $1.00 and every year I receive dividend cheques that range in amount from $35 to $350.

Since I drive a company van and use a company fleet fuel card, I've been filling up to the tune of $150/week since last August. 5% of that is $255.00 plus anything I purchased in food or liquor...I'm hoping to get at least $350.00 tomorrow. If I do, I'll be getting a little netbook that can be for my own use only.

It must sound selfish, but in a family like mine, you need to have your own stuff. Seriously, as much as I love Bill, I do NOT want to share a comp with him. Shoot me.

Today is raining but I'd love to be able to pick up some bedding plants. I know, I know! It's a problem. I'm hoping to be able to take some pics this week and post them so you can all see my gardening efforts.

Happy Victoria Day!

the farm

2011-05-22T10:35:00.003-06:00

Photographer unknown

Rain is usually a good thing, but if it keeps up this afternoon I won't be able to plant anything out at my parent's farm. I've had plans all week to dig a long flower bed beneath my brother's window (wild flower mix, some perennials) a couple smaller beds beside the gazebo (vines, one is beans the other an annual purplish flower) and a few small beds around the out-buildings for Lupines, which I started in April.

Yesterday I planted my own seedlings! There are Bachelor's Buttons, Blanket Flowers, Malva, Purple Bells and Hosta (that came as five seedlings in a plastic bag for $10! Usually I pay a minimum of $6 for one.)

I hope that most of them survive.

I'm also getting nervous about the farm because this year, I am calling Animal Control for help. Longtime readers might remember that since my parents' health has declined, they have not been able to handle the cats that are reproducing at an alarming rate - at last count, there were over fifty coming in & out of the house and another fifty outside. This is up by 100% from last year! My brother works away and has been providing food but cannot keep up with medical intervention. In the past he has taken various animals to be spade or neutered; he also gives them shots of penicillin at home but there are outbreaks of worms, mites, fleas and disease.

I've informed my sister but not my brother because he will be the one to fight me on it. I think he's trying to avoid a kitten massacre but at this point it is more humane to euthanise. I just hope that the govt. body understands that my parents have had no control over it - we do NOT want them to be shamed publicly, either on the news or in the local papers. My mum is 84 and very fragile.

If I do go out there today, I might bring it up again just so that they know we're serious about it. We need to make sure that they can stay in that house until they die, which is their wish. It's the only way it's going to happen - even now, the air quality is questionable due to all the dander and waste. BUT we can do a big clean once all the animals are removed (with the exception of Lucy, the border collie that was Dale and Jamie's and two other cats that are fixed.)

*sigh*

Enough of that!

This is May long weekend, so I have tomorrow off as well. If I can't plant today, there is always tomorrow. Have a good one!

Spring is in the air. Sort of.

2011-05-07T11:12:00.002-06:00

photographer unknown
In the last year, I've become extremely addicted to gardening magazines and landscaping. This isn't a good thing for someone who owns postage-stamp size front and back yards, but I do have access to my mom's yards and that'll go a long way in keeping me from withdrawal, lol.

This year I'm planning on planting a LOT of flowers and perennial plants in and around their deck and to help me save on costs, I have started a crop of seedlings inside my house.

Right now I have Lupines, Blanket Flowers, Bachelor's Buttons, Phlox and Globe Amaranth growing in containers on every window sill in the house! I also have packets of seeds for all kinds of vines and poppies, which can be sowed directly to the ground.

I'm looking forward to May 25th, which is when the threat of frost is completely past.

Work is work, and while I still enjoy taking care of my clients, my boss is still a dink. Even when he's seemingly nice, you know that it's coming eventually.

Yesterday I got a call late in the afternoon from a woman that had moved into a supportive living facility. In the past, we were told that we'd lost the oxygen contract and that we must pick up our eqipment if one of our clients moves in there, so when she called, I was apologetic but firm.

"I'm so sorry Ella! Please talk to your nurse."

That nurse called me back ten minutes later and gave me the go ahead to deliver O2 and explained that her wing fell under a different government agency. Yay!

"If you want to keep this client," she advised,"you'd better show up today. And bring some better equipment! That concentrator she has is too loud."

Damn. This means a call to the dink.

In our company, anyone that wants to deliver the smallest, newest concentrator has to get special permission from the area manager. We think that our company is afraid of making these machines the new "standard" because even though they're nicer, quieter and smaller, they break down a lot more. Still, since other companies readily supply them, we're under a lot of pressure.

"Kat-ty," Omar says in this Middle Eastern/French accent. "You do not have the medical expertise to deliver this equipment."

"What?! I deliver this kind of thing several times a week. I do equipment education almost every day!"

"Where is the respiratory therapist?"

"She's doing assessments an hour away."

"Why is she out of cylinders?"

"Because she just moved."

Twenty minutes later (all in overtime by the way) he relents and "lets" me go. *sigh*

Bill's parents are still here, they're staying out at Cathy's place. We're going out there tomorrow for Mother's Day and for Em's 14th birthday (hard to believe she's 14 already!!)

I believe we're going out to see my mom this afternoon.

Happy Mother's Day!!

corporate peon

2011-04-18T10:21:00.003-06:00

The featured photo is an oxygen regulator, since I am at work this morning.

I finally got over last Thursday, which was ruined by my boss. He was here to give my co-workers their evaluations and to humiliate me and put me in my place.

At least, it seemed that way.

At one point, he interrupted a drop in visit from our tire guy to tell me I did not have time to speak to him; then again thirty seconds later to "insist". Even when I tried to explain that I was trying to save us over $120/month in service fees, he still ordered me back to my computer in front of the guy. The tire guy had no idea what to say or do!

Ten minutes later, while I was trying to load my van, he came out to the warehouse and asked me to come back into the office with him so that we could "talk." Basically, he held me responsible for the fact that one of our new RRT's is not as "dominant" as I am and that if I do not back off, there could be "serious ramifications" for her. Then he reminded me that I am only "temporary."

Temporary for nine months now.

My temporary contract runs out on July 15th and he says he wants to be able to offer me a permanent position, but I think he's going to miss being able to threaten me, to keep me in line.

I really have no one in power to support me or help me in any way. If I go above his head, I'll be labeled a troublemaker. If I let him threaten me or abuse me I lose my self worth. I dunno what will happen next. Bill says he wishes we could both quit at the same time so that they know just how much we do, but we're just now getting back on our feet.

Tyranny really sucks.

the more things change pt 2

2011-04-09T11:08:00.003-06:00

webcam pic, 2003

I've been pretty worried about my weight lately.

In the pic, I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now and had a handle on my hunger. In fact, due to the anorexia I was suffering from at the time, I welcomed the hunger; looked forward to hunger!

Then things normaled out.

Bill arrrived in 2005, Em arrived just two months later. Jamie and I stopped eating Lean Cuisines and started buying beef, chicken & pork. I stocked the once-empty pantry with cookies and muffins for lunches, bought potatoes, rice and cheese for family dinners.

In 2007 I went on Jenny Craig and lost that twenty pounds, but the cost of food was extremely cost prohibitive at $510/month. I quit and slowly gained it back over the next two years.

Last summer I started working at the same company as my husband Bill, as a Customer Service Technician. I look after O2 equipment like concentrators, regulators, and compressed air cylinders. I do homecare deliveries, some administrative work, and oxygen starts for the hospitals.

For the first six months I was so busy that I didn't have time to eat and I was much too tired to cook! Also, we were so poor for so long that even if I had a five dollar bill in my pocket, I was afraid to spend it.

It was easy to lose that twenty pounds.

At this point I am twelve pounds up and last week I vowed to lose at least two pounds but that didn't happen. I'm going to try again this week.

Really!

the more things change

2011-04-05T12:03:00.003-06:00

...the more they stay the same.

Since Em is getting ready for Band Camp (she leaves tomorrow and comes back on Friday) I bought her some clothes last night. Very reminicent of what I used to wear, inspired by Flashdance! The ripped/cut sweatshirts, the skinny jeans, tops hanging off one shoulder.

I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying "I used to wear this stuff..." every time. I remember rolling my eyes at my mother and I won't have her doing that to me.

At least to my face, lol.

one minute post

2011-04-04T15:44:00.002-06:00

Photo courtesy of Jim Donaldson Photography

I had such a busy weekend that I didn't have time to blog! One of these days, I'm going to get an iPad then you'll be seeing way too much of me :P

I'm at work right now and don't have time to write very much, but here's the most important piece of info: the snow is melting and the temps are 7°C. Yay!

Back later.

the angel closes her eyes

2011-03-26T13:02:00.003-06:00

my "Simpsonize Me" pic from a few years ago

If you happen to be a JSer, then you know that we lost one of our own this past week, likeisaid, or Betty. I was completely gobsmacked when I read that Betty had passed on in her sleep - it seems as though she'd just lost her beloved husband, Paul. My heart goes out to her two sisters, Sally & Paula. Some of my favourite posts were from these southern sisters! Old black & whites from the 60's and 70's (loved those little shift dresses!) blurry coloured pics from the 80's, posing with their men and their cars.

Paula and Sal - if you're reading this, I am so, so sorry.

As always, work is really busy and we spend our time trying to get more things done than we did the day before. I'm used to this kind of pace and it doesn't stress me out very much. I do get stressed by my boss, though.

He's calming down a little (dare I say, he's even getting a little beat down by the amount of work?) and he's lightening up a little. Yesterday when he called me about another conference call I was late to he actually laughed when I said "holy crap, another one?"

At home, the big project involves a visit from Bill's parents and his younger brother, Craig, In April. They'll be spending the odd night at our house here in the city and that means painting the downstairs, converting the downstairs living room to a studio apartment for Em, getting Jamie's room ready (she's moving back after the last semester ends and staying until July or August) buying a new bed for Em's old room and getting the carpets cleaned. So far, we have the new throw rugs, lol.

I'll be waking Bill from his nap in a few moments. What is everyone else doing?

ABC

2011-03-15T10:16:00.004-06:00

photographer unknown

Swiped from Silvertag!

A. Age: 46
B. Bed size: King
C. Chore you dislike: cleaning the bathroom
D. Dogs: One Bichon-mix named Lola
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee
F. Favorite color: Cobalt Blue
G. Gold or silver: Gold
H. Height: 5' 7"
I. Instruments you play(ed): Nothing.
J. Job title: Customer Service Technician
K. Kids: Jamie; 22 Emily; 13
L. Live: Love & Laugh
M. Mom’s name: Olive Mathilda
N. Nicknames: Kate
O. Overnight hospital stays: tonsils, Jamie & gallbladder
P. Pet peeves: Drivers who change lanes w/o checking mirrors, drivers who don't signal, people that don't flush, young teens that dress provocatively, TV's blaring, neighbours that park in front of your house but don't like neighbours parking in front of theirs.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Get busy living or get busy dying..."
S. Siblings: One older brother, one younger sister
T. Time you wake up: Weekdays 6:45 am Weekends 9:00 am
U. Underwear: low rise briefs
V. Vegetables you don’t like: radish
W. What makes you run late: Blowdrying and/or flatironing my hair
X. X-rays you’ve had: On my teeth!
Y. Yummy food you make: Curried chicken
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Love big cats!

Love the Weekend

2011-03-05T11:01:00.006-07:00

Tokyo, in happier days. We still miss her a lot

My job keeps me so exhausted each day that I barely have time to make supper and collapse on the couch. It's just not good for blogging!

Here's my week in bullet points.

- We have one client whose daughter wants her to use a POC (portable oxygen concentrator) purely as a status symbol, yet her mom is most comfortable using the cylinders. We're not sure how to handle it because our boss has said he wants us to keep this contract no matter what, but they've been high maintenance since day 1.

It wouldn't be an issue if we didn't have clients who are aged with health problems. Some people need the POCs due to weakness in their wrists (it can be difficult opening the valves on the cylinders) or problems with their vision. We can't always provide them due to the ones that want them for convenience. Of course, those are the ones that threaten to vendor switch and they get priority. Frustrating.

- I spent several hours doing safety reports for my boss on Wednesday, who then bitched me out for getting a late start on my deliveries. *sigh*

- Lola got a haircut last week, but it may have been a bit premature. With the cold weather, we've been having to put a hoodie on her before she goes outside to do her business.

- I bought two winter coats on Wednesday; purple wool with an empire waist and black wool with zipper/toggles. Each one was $30 and I love a good sale!

- Jamie's loan is coming in soon so she won't be a broke college student for a few weeks.

- Em is participating in Science Olympics today and we expect her to kick butt against the two other schools competing.

- I have to do some cleaning before my SIL arrives. Mostly the floors, it's a good thing we have laminate.

Happy Saturday!

weekend update

2011-02-19T09:27:00.002-07:00

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy!

Work has been crazy. Last Thursday I was on my out-of-town delivery route and decided to cut through the city on my way through to Innisfail, which is a little town about half an hour south of here. While I was driving past the greyhound bus depot, a deer ran into the street and tackled my van. Took out the passenger front panel and the mirror, fell, then got back up and ran behind the Sun Life building. It was shocking and took awhile for the adrenaline to stop pumping through me!

We have two new RRT's (respiratory therapists) but one is kind of office-bound doing C-PAP fittings and since she's very young (twenty-one) she's dying to get out into the field and I'm worried that she will quit if if we don't find a way to get her out of the office. I know that she accepted the office job, but that was prior to finding out that she passed the board test and got her designation. Since then, she's been in contact with the local hospital and even set up a rotation to get some experience there. *sigh* I do not have complete faith that Omar will abide by it, but he's got to tread lightly with this one. She won't take his crap and has a lot more going for her than our company.

I've developed quite a good rapport with the other new RRT, Linda. She's in her late thirties and we have a lot in common, including familial problems (her parents could be a lot more supportive) and losses (her brother was much like Dale and died last year.) She tends to run late but works into the night, and I can usually cover whatever is happening first thing in the morning. She has also helped me an awful lot in the warehouse, cleaning and testing equipment that had been getting backlogged since two of our older nursing homes closed their doors for good.

I feel pretty good about the team we have now.

Emily has grown an inch since we last measured, and she is now 1/2" taller than Bill and 1 1/2" taller than me. We knew this day would come.

Jamie is busy writing mid-terms this week and continues to lose weight. Last week I picked up these two wool jackets on major clearance ($35 for both!) and she swiped the shorter one with the fitted, empire waist. I hope she keeps it up at this steady pace.

Bill and I are still doing really good. I worry about being too exhausted to pay much attention to each other during the week; so many days either he or I need to have a nap to get through the evening and the odd time we have to go to bed at 9:00 pm and pass out! Weekends are just what we need to relax, and this coming Monday is Family Day which means I get a three days off. Yay!

I'm off to read some blogs. Happy Saturday!

more moving

2011-02-07T09:14:00.002-07:00

image by Jim Donaldson

I spent several hours last night moving the lunchroom at the office.

When Marianne started, we knew that she would rarely (if ever) climb the steep stairs that lead to the actual lunchroom, so we brought down the fridge and microwave and made one of the back offices the "lunchroom."

Last night I walked around the little kitchen upstairs and thought, this is really nice! Once I got the table and chairs moved in, the dishes and the tea kettle and coffee pot, it really started taking shape.

This morning all I had to bring was a few nice tea towels; I'm kind of excited to go looking for bowls and spoons later today.

The new administrative / OSA Specialist is pretty good, considering she is fresh out of school. There have been trainers here on & off all week and I think we expect more tomorrow. Let's hope we can recover some of the customers we lost when Marianne was here; we're afraid it might be a LOT.

With each passing day, more of her clients are coming forward to report terrible service and disorganization and it's been really embarrassing, we keep apologizing and wanting to move forward.

I'm off to work. Happy Monday!

payment in full

2011-02-05T09:46:00.004-07:00

image by Troy Kajala

March brings the one year anniversary of Tina's death.

Tina is Emily's mom. She was twenty-five and Bill was thirty when she born, and for the first few years it seemed as though everything would be okay. Not that there weren't huge red flags in regard to Tina'a mental illness (she was bi-polar with personality disorders and munchausen's) but then, it would be at least four years before it all fell apart and a bitter custody battle ensued.

By the time I met Bill and Em, they were living 5,000 km from Tina, and like the rest of Tina's family and friends, trying to avoid contact. By then she'd pretty much gone off the deep end, God love her. She'd become addicted to oxycontin, oxycodiene, zopiclone...I don't know what else. I do know about addictive behaviour and she was living the life. Almost a year after her suicide, there are only five pictures of her tagged on Facebook and a slew of private messages and emails did not turn up any more. It was like that with Dale too - we have precious few of him in the last two years.

Anyway, we've thought a lot of her in the last ten months. It's true that she was hard to deal with, and we often ignored her because even though she said she was calling for Em, she would ask mostly about Bill and what he looked like now, or what did I look like, or what were we doing.

We have some guilt around that, but mostly we have peace.

I'll never know if Tina knew she'd be giving us peace, but I know that Dale knew and he was okay with dying if that meant we'd all be free. Dale wanted Jamie and I to have a chance to start over. Tina had lived with the depression and mental illness since she was a child and had very little in the way of support.

Sunday Feb 6/11

Yesterday we had cable, internet and a landline installed again, after a period of (maybe?) three years! At any rate, I had to go to work afterward and wasn't able to finish my post.

I've been thinking a lot about Tina, though not steady. Sometimes weeks will go by and it won't dawn on me that Em was born to someone else! Then she'll laugh or run, or get mad and make that face where she purses her lips - and I will see Tina's teenaged heart shining through. I can see her before she became too jaded, before the illness seized and destroyed her. Before she realized that she wasn't strong enough to navigate this world...it's so sad.

Then I start thinking about how alike Tina and Dale were, how lucky it was that we all ended up together. I have my two girls, Bill has the fmily he was wishing for, Em has a mother she can count on, and Jamie has a father that she can trust.

I have so much I can't even name it all here.

Because of that, both Dale and Tina are in a good place. By that I mean, we think of them often and wish them peace, we mourn the loss of what might have been in the future and we wonder if they come to visit us as often as it seems. We hope they know that whatever mistakes they made here on earth have been forgiven. They owe no debt to any of us. As each of them faced their moment of death, the slate was wiped clean.

cheap

2011-01-31T12:10:00.002-07:00

Bill, at a Mexican restaurant

Bill and I tend to visit restaurants for birthdays and anniversaries because we're very busy and/or cannot afford to do so outside of special occasions, but I think that's more acceptable.

Back in the day, when Dale was alive and working as a pipeline consultant, we ate out three to four nights per week. I was working as a store manager and often ended up staying past 7:00 pm, I'd come home, pick up Jamie and take her to the steakhouse, or the all day breakfast place. This ended briefly after Dale lost the consulting job, but began again once he started his own consulting firm.

Back then, it was nothing to spend $300 to $400 per week on supper; I can't tell you what that would have meant to my family two years ago (or last summer, for that matter) I suppose it's been a learning experience for us all.

Here's what I've learned personally;

1. While I truly enjoy buying leather handbags, they're at least $70 more than I'm comfortable spending and a helluva lot heavier. I'm not saying that I will always buy cheap vinyl bags, but for now I'm happy if I can get a good cross-body bag that is well made and has the look I'm going for.

2. I can buy all the high heeled shoes I want, but that doesn't mean that I'll have the energy to wear them on the weekends. Pile lined hiking boots and decent sneakers will get me through anything this year, including nights out at the dance club.

3. I no longer have my 50% clothing discount but I know the sales cycles at most stores and can find name brand jeans, khakis and blouses for $20, $13 and $15 respectively. I also shop bra sales and recently found one in purple lace (regular $49.99, now 50% off the last marked price of $39.99) At American Eagle, I found Bill two pairs of jeans that had been marked down to $14.99 a pair.

4. Even though I'm still gainfully employed, I go through the grocery store with a budget in mind. I buy meat in large quantities, separate it at home and store it in our 7 cubic foot freezer. I look for "buy 1, get 1 free" sales.

5. I'm getting my hair done in a salon again, but this time I'm going every six weeks instead of once a month.

6. Jamie gave me a Student Price Card, which gets me 10% off at lots of different places, including a large department store at the mall. I think I've saved at least $30 since I got it.

My biggest expense these days seems to be coffee. I make coffee at the office in the morning, but by afternoon when I go out to make my deliveries, I'm looking for iced coffee to get me through the afternoon. Most days, I spend another $6 on fast food. Bill and I were recently discussing this and want to make some changes, like making sandwhiches or subs or something to carry on the road. Seriously, our cholesterol will thank us.

Since I started this post, a bouquet of Edible Arrangements arrived from my office (love those fruit bouquets!) and Bill arrived with my birthday gift. Bye for now!

letters to Dale

2011-01-30T12:10:00.003-07:00

Dear Dale,

It's been awhile since I've felt like writing you, but so many things cross my mind while I'm working and driving around town; sometimes I make believe that you'll be visiting soon and I can catch you up.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be forty-six years old. Hard to believe that I was thirty-seven when you died! To be honest, I feel like I'm still thirty-seven, so I guess that's good. Remember how we used to celebrate together? I'm not sure if I ever said that some years, I kind of resented you for letting me pick my own birthday to ignore (weren't we always broke on mine anyway?) I sometimes hoped you'd say "Let's celebrate on January 31st this year" but of course, this never happened. It might have, had you not faced those issues with alcohol, but that's a point I try not to dwell on.

I saw Shane last week - I almost didn't recognise him!I never thought he'd ever shave off that mustache, but he did. He doesn't look like the Marlborough Man anymore; to be honest he's starting to look a little old. I didn't speak to him - I didn't like him when you were alive and not much has changed.

Kerry Wagstaff left me a facebook message a few weeks ago, asking about all those Led Zeppelin CD's I offered him after you died. I almost fell over...seriously? You've been dead for more than eight years and he just remembered?! Did he think I still had them? He's a nice guy, but has not changed much since our high school days.

Al's dog Wiley died a few months back, but I remember thinking that you would know that, knowing how much you loved him (and all border collies in general) Yanno, Lucy is nine years old now and she is STILL spazzy for a border collie...but Mum & Jim love her and take care of her.

The city has grown to almost 100,000 people and you would hardly recognize it anymore. They closed down two nursing homes (the one by Bower Mall and the one in Lower Fairview) and built a monstrous new facility by the old duplex. Who knew we even had the space, but they're building in all kinds of forgotten places.

Jamie moved out six months ago to attend college (!!!) and I think that she has finally come to a place where she's accepted that you were sick and it wasn't really about her, but more about you. She hasn't seen her own dad since she was 17, and she has accepted Bill and I as her only parents. You'd be so proud of her!

Speaking of kids, Jamie is here today and brought her new Wii for us to try so I should go join them.

*hugs*

Kathy

new beginnings

2011-01-28T09:54:00.003-07:00

Em, trying on a Southern Belle costume at Superstore, 2009

I'm currently torn between feeling a sense of relief at work, and worry, because Marianne was dismissed from her duties this past Wednesday. I'm not very worried about her replacement, as much as I worry it'll take Marianne awhile to find another position. To be honest, I think that she's unable to handle a full time job due to her mental instability.

She demonstrates signs of Asperger's, but she has never mentioned anything other than a history of depression. However, her behaviour has already driven off her two brothers and I believe that she sometimes emotionally abuses her mother, and I'm not sure how well she's going to adjust with this latest setback.

Today I'm looking forward to my four day weekend, which began this morning. Just after I accepted my six month contract extension, I requested four days of unpaid leave, which will serve as a mini vacation as well as mental health time. A person needs that in this industry!

Bill and I might go dancing on Saturday, to celebrate my birthday on Monday. Also, I'm really looking forward to three days straight spent with him, because even though we work together, we hardly see each other.

Happy Friday!

it was an ativan week

2011-01-23T11:11:00.008-07:00

out my bedroom window

It's 2 °C today, which is tank top weather for us! Thank goodness, because we've been totally stressed out by our co-worker at the office and this weekend needed to be relaxing. We didn't want to shovel snow or be stuck inside due to harsh weather conditions.

As it turned out, we had time to clean the house before I left to take Devon, my friend from college math class last year, out to lunch for her birthday. After returning, I did some laundry and sat down to watch Season Two of True Blood. Today we were going to take my step-dad's birthday gift out to him but Bill is sick.

I believe he'll be laying down again in a moment.

I'm obsessed with work problems as usual, only this time it's not the new, young, arrogant boss from Dubai or customers treating me badly, it's the lack of organizational skills possessed by our OSA Specialist (obstructive sleep apnea) and while it's been an issue for awhile, it came to a head this past week.

The new boss had been putting the onus on me to keep Marianne organized but that has been a nightmare; I'm out of the office doing home deliveries on most afternoons. The new respiratory therapist is out doing assessments and that leaves Marianne on her own to trash the office.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that! We have a fitting room, which she keeps relatively uncluttered, but the counters in the open office space, the mask storage room and the lunch room have machines, accessories, empty boxes, files, used tubing, instruction manuals, pop cans, gum and other debris littered all over them.

The new RT and myself decided to clean on Monday, since Omar (our new boss) was due on Wednesday. It took the two of us three hours to get it done and the very next day she started dumping again. Each time we'd ask her to tidy she'd snap at us. One morning she realized I'd put the phone book where it belonged, and she muttered "for fuck's sakes!" and threw it back where she'd had it before. To be honest, I think she uses that space under the telephone holder to hide bags of chips. *sigh*

Anyway, the straw that broke the camel's back was Friday morning. I'd been out all day Thursday delivering, and the RT called me at home that evening to say she'd had to go in to get pediatric supplies for an overnight oximetry. While she was there she'd noticed that several boxes had been pulled out, as well as several masks, and they were all left out on the table we use to seal equipment after being disinfected. She said she'd left a note for Marianne, asking her to put these items back in their places because hadn't been able to use the table.

I know that Marianne found that note at 7:45 am because that's when I arrived. I waited until 9:00 to say something.

"Marianne," I began. "What's out on the sealing table?"

"Oh," she replied. "That's some stuff I need to deal with."

"Can you put them away until you need them?"

"No, I am not finished with them yet."

"But you're doing the bank deposit."

"I'll do it later."

"Sorry Marianne but I've been instructed to keep everything to standard and I must insist."

At that point she jumped up and stomped into the room, throwing the boxes on the shelf as she went and yelling at me. I don't remember what she said, but I do remember thinking OMG! Dale used to do this to me to get me to shut up and go away and then I was just mad for having to be exposed to that kind of crap. I did everytrhing I could to avoid that kind of abuse in the last eight years and I am not taking it from a lazy, middle aged woman who still lives at home and makes her widowed mother pay for all her bedroom renos. (I am still really mad, obviously)

I guess we'll see how things play out because I contacted Omar and HR in the afternoon, and Omar seemed pretty happy to have more documentation on her. I am torn between anger at being subjected to her mess and always having to clean up after her, guilt for knowing that I probably gave Omar the ammunition to have her terminated, and worry, because I do NOT want to take over any of her duties. I have enough of my own.

I hope that Jamie comes over later today. I have to pick up my contact lenses at Costco and she loves that place.

good news

2011-01-16T16:50:00.004-07:00

photo by Cindy Kassab

My work contract ended yesterday and my company extended it for another six months. It's been pretty frustrating, so it came as a HUGE surprise that they wanted to raise my hourly rate by $3.60.

BIGGEST raise I've ever received, and takes a bit of the sting out of the way that they've been handling my whole situation. Now I'm only $0.90 behind Bill, which has him chomping at the bit to get his air brakes course, which raises his rate by a couple dollars.

The snow has been driving us all crazy again this year, and my front lawn is completely covered by 18" - 24" drifts. Yesterday when I let Lola out the back door, she couldn't get down the stairs or across the lawn, so I had to shovel. First the deck, then the stairs, then a trail to the fence where our trash pick up box is, then another trail in a circle so that she could get her business done. It's hilarious watching her as she tries to maneauver through it all, lol.

Our family has been talking about music a lot lately, and we were just saying how Em's generation is the worst one since ours (in the 80's) where the music is disappointing as a whole; major synthesizers, lots of computer generated crap and lots of covers. To be honest, I don't listen to a lot of teen dance stuff anyway, but if someone like Jamie can't handle the new stuff, there must be something to it. Both she and Bill are on iTunes and Youtube every single day.

Happy Sunday!

ice land

2011-01-09T11:15:00.002-07:00

photo taken by Arnel, in Calgary, AB, this morning.

Thursday's +0° temps created havoc all over Alberta! Snow that had been mashed into the highways all winter was melted by late afternoon and the next day when it began to freeze, it was bad. Add to that ten cm. of blowing snow and highways were closed by noon yesterday.

That put a damper on the Saturday I had planned with Jamie, which was lunch, shopping and haircuts in a town about half an hour north of here, but we made do. After cancelling and rebooking my appointment, I got on the phone with a few places here in town to find something for Jamie.

The whole time, Jamie was sending me texts.

Cancelling?! Noooooo Mum! I NEED this haircut! *sob*

She comes by the drama naturally, lol.

Anyway, we got her into Magicuts, even though I wouldn't normally book a cut there. Not that I have anything against chains, it's just that I don't trust your average stylist with the kind of hair that I have (and passed onto Jamie.) When we arrived, there were two stylists already working on others and Jamie was passed to this middle aged man who took one look at her hair and said something like "oh, it's so thick I'd better do it dry," and went to work. Jamie thought he'd do a shampoo and style and hadn't washed her hair so when he said he was finished we were a little surprised. Rather than cause a scene we paid the $20 and went to the mall to book a shampoo and blow out, which cost me another $26.

I don't know why I am always surprised when we get terrible service, but we let it go and killed time in between by shopping the lingerie and houseware departments. I even bought a black cross-body bag, which is something new for me - but the fibro is doing a number on my forearms this winter.

Today we're working in the warehouse, but have to clear snow from the sidewalks, back yard and deck. After that, I think Bill is picking Jamie up so that the kids can go sliding.

Happy Sunday!

good-bye to this week

2011-01-07T12:43:00.003-07:00

photo of Banff National Park by Ben Chase

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better today. The last few days have been stressful (due to my new boss, who keeps reminding me that Jan. 15th is coming up, while accusing me of favouring Bill by wanting him to have Personal Protective Equipment)
*sigh*

Between having to justify wanting Bill to have lined steel toed boots, working on Sundays ("I will okay it this time but not again") and not being able to get any answers or supplies, I'm almost to the end of my rope. Seriously, since when did it become so hard to find a good paying, decent job with a decent supervisor?

I am so frustrated! Thank goodness we have a new Registered Respiratory Therapist. Her name is Corey and she started on Tuesday; she might be able to help a little. Still, I know that I will have to come to help Bill on Sunday without getting paid and shut up about it or else he'll make Bill stay every night for an extra 90 minutes and forget about my ever seeing him.

Tonight Emily has a babysitting gig so Bill and I have the house to ourselves and might take in a movie and then hopefully, go dancing afterwards. Dancing is just the exercise we need! It always makes things better. Then tomorrow, I'm taking Jamie for a haircut & lunch, as part of her Christmas gift.

I hope you all have a good weekend. Happy Friday!

under the weather

2011-01-02T19:26:00.003-07:00

painting by Doron Putka

I felt something coming on yesterday and it seems to be on the verge of a full fledged bug of some kind; sore throat, fever, bit of a cough. Nothing major yet, I hope the rest of the night takes care of it. I have one more day off before we return to work, and I want to enjoy it!

I've been sitting in the office while Bill works out in the cold warehouse, sorting oxygen cylinders for tomorrows pick up. I've got hot tea with local honey and a little box of chocolates left over from Christmas, and I'm as happy as can be. In a few moments, I'll be taking some hot chocolate out.

Did you all do anything for NYE? Bill and I stayed in, visited with his sister Cathy, then later watched a Modern Family marathon on TV and were passed out by 12:08. I was fine with that, lol.

Happy New Year!

it's Boxing Day in Canada

2010-12-26T11:01:00.002-07:00

our king bed

Yesterday turned out very well, in spite of being one of my achey fibro days. The kids let us stay in bed until 09:45, and when we got up Jamie was making pancakes for herself and Em. After the coffee was on, everyone gathered in the living room to open gifts.

The kids got me gardening gloves, magazines, and some garden art, as well as an indoor herb garden. We got Jamie some items for her house, like a stainless steel cannister set and electric skillet, as well as gift cards, costumer jewelry and comfy sweats, for homework nights. The BIG gift had been an iPod Touch, which we gave to her on Wednesday for her 22nd birthday. She was thrilled and seems quite happy with all the apps and subsequent iTunes cards.

Traditionally, Em is harder to shop for; what she wants one day may not be what she wants the following week! But the last year have brought so many changes and this year I think she'll use everything. We focused on fashion & beauty, like the flat iron she's wanted for awhile. Knee high boots with faux fur at the top, a winter hat knitted to look like a cat (ears and whiskers included) and a fuzzy green robe for cold mornings.

Bill and I found it easy to shop for one another this year! He'd recently purchased his first Fender guitar, and I was able to get him a beautiful leather strap and mini-amp, for practicing around the house. He got me a new little Canon! So I'll be able to start posting pics again, yay! He always gets me a biography, and this year it's John Lennon THE LIFE by Philip Norman. I started it last night and it looks like it'll give me some R & R on my time off over the next few days!

Overall, the entire season went well and now that I've had a day of rest I'm feeling much better. Today we're cleaning the kitchen and figuring out what to do with the huge amount of leftover chicken we have in the fridge! We cooked the last of the Hutterite chickens last night (those chickens average 9lbs each!) but weren't hungry enough to have more than a little plate.

Happy Boxing Day!

old

2010-12-21T12:41:00.003-07:00

We haven't decorated the exterior of our house. Last year we didn't because we didn't want to spend the money, this year we were just too tired.

Aging just kills me.

It always makes me chuckle when I think back to the day I turned 30 (almost sixteen years ago now.) My friend Crystal and I were sitting in a club, waiting for the rest of the group to show up. I was wearing a black blazer with corset lacing up the side, a knee length pencil skirt and a pair of knee high, leather laced up boots. I had a cigarette in one hand and a double rye & coke in the other.

"Wow!" said Crystal. "I can't believe you're 30!"

"That's because you're twenty-one," I said with a smirk. "At least I am young at heart."

"That's true," she agreed. "You'll have to come out for MY thirieth. You'll be forty by then!"

I took a long sip of the whiskey. "Where do they go, do you think?"

"Who?"

"The forty year olds - to party. Why isn't there clubs for people over forty?"

"I dunno! Maybe they don't like to party."

I know the answer to this one now that I'm forty-five. We don't have time, and if we did, we'd be having a nap.

Happy Tuesday!

jamie grows up, em isn't far behind

2010-12-19T12:01:00.006-07:00

Emily and friend, Oct 2010

Merry Christmas!

The countdown is on now that there's only a few days left until Jamie's birthday. She'll be twenty-two!! For those of you from journalspace, you may remember that she was sixteen when I first started blogging. Now, she's living on her own in a rental house over by the college; she's working part time at an accessories store and taking several classes, which should be finished by now. She recenty got word that her student loan was approved and that will really make a huge difference! Last semester she and I paid for all her classes with cash so she had to be careful how much she was spending and when her classes were taking place so that they wouldn't interfere with work. Now, she'll be scheduling her work around her classes.

Bill and I are particularly proud of the way that Jamie bounces back from problems in her life, without the use of drugs, alcohol or sex. Not all of her friends and colleagues can say that, unfortunately. Even Bill and I can't say that!

Last winter, directly after the holidays, she broke up with her BF of a year because he just didn't care enough. She wanted someone who wanted to see her every day; wanted to come over for dinner or to just to hang out. She wanted a man who didn't have mommy issues and who wanted to help lift the burdens of every day life and he wasn't it. In the past I may have worried that she'd have low self-esteem and hook up with an abusive guy but I shouldn't have. She won't lower herself for anyone and I love that.

Bill and I are doing well at work, but we have a new area manager and he's been a challenge. He's some kind of wonderboy sent to us from Dubai (through our head offices in Paris) and appointed by the President of the company himself. The first day I met him he questioned my company vehicle (my status does not indicate the need for a vehicle as nice as this) and warned me that the January 15th end date of my contract was "looming."

"Looming?"

"Yes," he replied in a posh, french-and-something-else-accent. "You will have to prove yourself to me."

Yikes!!

Still, things have been improving and I hope that Wonderboy offers me a permanent contract in January. If he doesn't, both Bill and I will be looking for work elsewhere.

Speaking of work, Em is doing an eight hour shift around the house today. On Friday I gave her $80 to do some Christmas shopping and she lost it at the mall (this is the third time out of five Christmasses she's been here) and she's working from 11-7 so that she understands what an eight hour shift is like. She'll get a half hour break at 3 pm, but otherwise she's working right through as though she was actually at a real job. Obviously, we feel she doesn't appreciate what a full work day is like and we want her to experience that. After the first hour, she started watching the clock, lol.

Happy Sunday!

the raven and the crow

2010-12-12T11:51:00.002-07:00

one of several tattooes that Bill is looking at

Throughout that long fall season and once again through the winter, the widow suffered withdrawal of her dead husband. She suffered even though she'd taken up with someone new (as an afterthought, she wondered if he might be too young, but in the end thought him to be mentally ill and couldn't deal with another psychotic) and so let him go. Not that that was easy, since he seemed to be hanging on with all his might; he may not have wanted her for anything more than security and a free ride to work but that was quite a lot in his eyes!

After the dust settled, the widow set about doing two things in tandem; finding out who she really was, as she'd been adopted, and finding another partner (a better partner) so that she'd feel complete(even though everyone told her that was silly, she could be complete on her own.)

Discovering herself was easy, as every day that passed taught her that she was much stronger than originally surmised. She found that each day as she got up and got dressed and went about her business, she was learning. First, that the world in general viewed her as someone different than she was before. Somehow less than before. Also, she learned that a huge percentage of her socio-economic group did not know how to deal with the illness or death, and for that she was somewhat ostrasized.

This gave the widow an opportunity to look a little closer in the mirror, and during the next few months she discovered that her anscestors were from Haida Gwaii, and she was born from a very long, very old branch of the aboriginal peoples of Northern British Columbia, the Tshimshian. More research seemed to say she was from the Raven Clan, and she was not surprised to learn that the women were often shamans and soul doctors.

During this time, the widow continued to suffer the seperation from her (now) long dead husband. She had received a few visits from him during the first year, once at ten months and then again two months later (to proclaim his lasting love and to gift her with the northern lights, Aurora Borealis) but nothing since. Yet she continued to feel a strong connection, a presence, a yearning, and one day when she could stand it no more she cried out. "Please!" she begged of him, tears dampening her cheeks. "Please, let me go; I don't have the strength... Please, if you love me, let me go." She cried until she was dry, and continued on home.

Weeks passed and turned into months and the widow felt a subtle shifting in her day to day life and her ability to sleep at night. She still felt her dead husband from time to time but it was almost peripheral and nothing solid. She noticed that the love she carried for him was changing into something softer, more maternal.

Spring came and with the melting of the snow came renewed hope. The widow, who had never considered herself different, began to embrace the idea that different might be good.

And the following month, she met the man whose grandmother considered herself a healer in life and a crow in death. A medicine man in his own right, he had eyes that changed from gray to green and a way with touch that healed animals and calmed the emotions of the people he loved.

Each had followed a parallel path that led to the other, and to this day they travel along together; the raven and the crow on a journey with no destination in mind.

monday

2010-12-06T19:18:00.003-07:00

I'm not sure where I found the painting, so I apologize in advance for not knowing the artist. It's so pretty, I must have used it as a wallpaper at one time or another.

Anyway, things have been going very well these last few days. I got hooked on a Showtime show called The United States of Tara. I watched both seasons online and can't wait until the show returns in 2011. I love the quirky, intense characters and unusal storylines.

My parents gifted us with a 1/4 of beef!
For those who may not know, that is 250 lbs of ground beef, roasts, ribs, steaks (including the tenderloin) and stew meat. It almost completely filled our 7 cubic foot freezer. What an awesome gift, I just couldn't thank them enough.

Rogue is adapting well. She's eight weeks old but still only two pounds! She's been treated for all the fleas and other nasty disorders (including an eye problem and intestinal problem) and totally accepts us as her clan, poor kitty.

time for another camera

2010-11-28T11:20:00.002-07:00

For the last several months I've been in denial about my digital camera. It cost me almost four hundred dollars six years ago, and because of that I have always placed such major value on it.

When the shutter started sticking, it didn't matter; I just pried it apart with my fingertip. Last fall when we had to remove the program that uploads the photos, I remember thinking that I could find the driver online.

Last week when we got the new kitten, Rogue, I tried taking a few photos but to no avail. Not only does the button stick, but the computer won't recognize the device to upload the photos.

I believe it's time to get something new. I still can't afford to get the type of camera I'd like, but a pocket digital will satisfy my need to post pics on blogspot and facebook.

Have a nice Sunday!

embrace change!

2010-11-27T11:02:00.003-07:00

I hate change.

I struggled with it for years until my late husband died, then I had no choice whatsoever - to me, it was either get used to the change; in fact embrace the change, or lay down and die as well.

Sounds harsh, but that was the truth. Death hovered near my door for nearly eighteen months, with a tiny little flicker of hope burning away in the back of my mind. I had to face all the issues I couldn't (or wouldn't) face before - my co-dependency, my complacency, my selfishness. My home and my work area reflected how I felt for all those years. If I took something out, I left it out. If I opened a door, I left it open. If something fell on the floor, it stayed there.

As time passed after Dale's death, I felt that change was something I needed to embrace. I left my job and changed industries altogether; insurance was something that interested me because of the service and maintenance aspect. I loved my office and my co-workers, loved the suits and the snappy SUV, and I just adored the shoes!!

Alas, I couldn't sustain the required continuous prospecting. BUT, I learned through my experience with insurance that when it comes to mountains of paperwork, organization is key.

My working life is much easier now. It's not that I don't have moments from the past (just yesterday I misplaced a file) but for the most part I have accepted this new order of things. My house, my car and my office space reflect this.

My office partner has yet to see the light. I spent three hours cleaning her space for the arrival of the new manager yesterday, and within the same amount of time it was all back to piles of paper and trails of equipment.

In the afternoon, she told someone that it will be difficult changing twenty-five years of bad habits, and with that attitude, she's right. Wish me luck.

admitting defeat

2010-11-23T12:56:00.004-07:00

Now that our family cat, Tokyo, has been gone for over seven weeks, we're finally admitting that something may have happened to her. We're afraid that she went into the hay field to the east of us and that means eagles and coyotes would have had a chance to get her.

If that happened, I hope and pray it was fast. I miss her.

On Sunday, we brought back a little grey tabby kitten from the farm. She's about five or six weeks old and very cute! After having her in the house for a few hours, we've decided to call her Rogue. She might be little, but she's tough!

Pics to follow. Now it's time for me to get back to work!

sunday sunday

2010-11-21T10:39:00.003-07:00

random flower pic, I collect them for ideas next spring!

I'm feeling a little frustrated with my newest client, Mrs. Bodwell.

I first saw her on Thursday, and spent well over ninety minutes showing her how to use the concentrator, the cylinders, and the regulator. The next morning, the respiratory therapist showed her everything again, and on Saturday morning I went over and showed her again.

It's very important to me that these clients feel comfortable using everything, but I am picking up a different vibe from this lady! At least half a dozen times during each demonstration, she would start to say how upset she was that she had to use oxygen therapy, that she refused to wear the cannula or carry the little O2 cylinder down to the games room, that she called her Dr (who is very important and flies back and forth from New York) and he said she didn't have to wear it to dinner; I would reiterate that she can only do what she's going to do but it was still very important to learn how to take care of herself and her lung health. If she eventually decided to use oxygen therapy outside her room, she'd want to know how to use the regulator.

Last night I got another call from her.

"Kathy? I'm in big trouble!"

"What's happening, Mrs. Bodwell?"

"I can't get the oxygen to shut off. I wore it to play cards, and now that I'm home it won't shut off. I am just so confused by all this! Can you come by and show me again?"

"Absolutely, Mrs. Bodwell. However, I think you could use some family support with this and would like to show one of your daughters. I may not always be able to come over and it'll be important that they know."

"I'm not sure when they're available..."

"I'm very open to whatever time they're available, as long as I'm available."

"I tried turning it clockwise like you said..."

To be honest, I have a suspicion that she's building up a case against using it, but I have to keep persuing the family training. Once you've done the individual training three times and they're not retaining it you've got to move on because there are hundreds of clients to take care of and it becomes the family's responsibility.

In this case, she's very lucid; she's active, she has friends inside the nursing home, she sews and plays cards and knows exactly what she wants (she had her daughter picking up a flat screened, HD TV while I was there) so I know that it comes down to

A) a mental block (or)
B) manipulating someone - the docs, the family, or me.

I remember how upset my mum was the year the docs told her she'd be on blood pressure medication, possibly for the rest of her life. I wondered if we'd have trouble keeping her compliant! In the end, she knew the meds were going to help her and after a few weeks, it was rarely mentioned again.

I have an appointment with Mrs. Bodwell and her daughter on Monday, and I hope it works the same way.

Speaking of Mum, it's her 82nd birthday today! We're headed out to see her in an hour or so.

Have a nice Sunday!

okay, that's a start.

2010-11-15T17:22:00.003-07:00

Well, at a little before 4:30 today, my co-worker, Marianne, had our boss on speakerphone and came right out and asked whether I would still have a job tomorrow.

"Oh yes! Please have her show up tomorrow! I've been meaning to let you know that I put in a request to extend her contract; I can't do much else because there is a new area manager and he'll have to make a call on permanent full time."

Okay then ... I'm just so happy to continue getting these paycheques. I got a pink slip in my water bill last week (that is our city's way of saying last chance before disconnection) and I was able to pay it today. Yay!

I wish I didn't have to work so many hours, but there isn't much I can do, for now. When I get the chance, I'd like to start looking into the competition. I heard from a respiratory therapist today who might be interested in hiring me to help him start a company from the ground up and that would be exciting! A therapist from my company passed on my phone number in case this company wasn't going to keep me on. The offer wouldn't be on the table until 2011, but the networking has started already and I'm a huge believer in networking.

Jamie's still doing great at her college classes but she's mad at me right now and I haven't spoken to her since Saturday night. To be honest, I know why she's mad but there are some things I can do and some things I can't do and I can't sweat the little things. In this case, she thinks we had a "fight" but we didn't - she hung up on me and I'm over it. Hopefully she calls me back tomorrow because today was payday and I usually get her coffee money, books or cash for some of her classes and this tantrum is putting the kibosh on that, lol.

Em's on restriction because she was less than forthcoming about the number of missing assignments she has to date (four as of parent-teacher interviews) and we also discovered that Em has been disrupting math & science classes by talking and has been moved a few times already. The next step is to move her to a table alone, we're hoping she'll be able to control herself and show more respect for her teacher and her classmates before that happens. Seems like she's already improving, thank goodness.

I'm off to clean off my desk before leaving the office for the day. Have a nice evening!

commitment

2010-11-13T11:27:00.005-07:00

The last few weeks have been so busy that I haven't had an opportunity to blog or to read blogs. I've thought about everyone though; particularly since the JS crowd has been posting like crazy on Facebook!

I usually get a chance to have coffee and blog on Saturday mornings, but last week our boss in Edmonton wanted us to work Saturday so that we could get a head start on inventory. Bill, Marianne and I showed up around 10:30 and stayed 'til just about 5:00, counting C-Pap machines and oxygen therapy equipment. To be honest, it's been a nightmare.

The woman that ran the office prior to our arrival often lent out machines without documentation, she also cut open bags to take clips or headgear from sets. Also, respiratory therapists come in and take supplies without filling out the proper forms. I have to say, my resentment has truly built up for this company this past two weeks! My temporary contract runs out on Monday and I still have no idea whether they'll be offering me a permanent position or not.

When I brought it up last week, the manager from Edmonton looked up and said, "Oh. Maybe something part time? Would you do that?" I agreed, but for the record, I average over fifty hours per week.

If it comes down to the company not wanting to offer me benefits, so be it. Bill has benefits, I don't need them; but I do need to know that I am valued as an employee. I love my job most days, and I really enjoy taking care of my customers. If I have to, I'll start applying to the competition.

Today I'd like to go see my mom, who's turning 82 next weekend. I got her a very pretty teal coloured cardigan and tank and since you never know when you'll be called out, I'd better take it to her now in case next week doesn't work out.

Have a nice weekend!

Halloween weekend

2010-10-30T19:56:00.003-06:00

In past years, our house has been covered with Halloween decorations. Pumpkins, on the verge of rotting, sat on the front steps; gravestones and cemetary signs covered the front lawn. Inside, the living room looked like backstage at a community theatre. Costumes and weapons covered the coffee table, end table and chaise.

This year with Jamie gone, the house is eerily quiet. Em is having a sleepover a few houses down, and it looks like she took her giant pumpkin with her. That thing weighed at least 25 lbs, lol.

Yesterday she went to school in her Mad Hatter Girl costume and it was a hit! At first she wanted to buy a costume but I talked her into getting a hat and building a costume around that and a Victorian jacket we cut down. After moving the buttons and slitting it down the back, I used a long black shoelace to put corset lacing in. She wore a blue satin bubble skirt, multi-coloured leggings and boots, and the other kids loved it.

We don't have any decorations up, but we do have a snow globe that has a skeleton couple dancing to Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and two crows that look down on you from the top of the desk in the kitchen. That's the extent of Halloween for us, this year, along with handing out candy.

Have a safe and happy weekend!

there's a chilly mist today

2010-10-24T13:42:00.003-06:00

painting by Mark Bryce

I'm a little disappointed that it's cold today, although it might not stop me completely from trying to place a bunch of rocks that we got yesterday.

Jamie, Em and I drove out to the farm to harvest rocks for the backyard, and it was a great day for it. We picked up one little boulder (40lbs+) and two dozen medium size pink rocks that will form the foundation of the beds that surround the stairs that come up from the basement. I've already transplanted some of shady plants from the front yard back there, but now I can replace the old boards with stone.

While we were there we visited with Mum & Jim, and I got to talk gardening with Mum for awhile. I can't wait until the Spring, because I'm going to fill their front yard with annuals!

Jim was a little grumpy but he's got another hip replacement coming up so he can be grumpy if he wants to be. Still, he gave me a box of potatoes from his garden, which is a real treat for us these days! I don't know why I didn't always appreciate the difference between fresh veggies from a garden and from a grocery store, but I'm loving the onions and garlic from Bill's sister Cathy.

I'm off to make some stew. Have a nice Sunday.

becoming an advocate

2010-10-23T11:34:00.005-06:00

photo from Gratitude Rocks.com

I mentioned Mr. Schultz in my last post. He's about ready to break my heart! In between phone calls and enquiries I am getting a lot of lectures from co-workers.

It started when I got the pick up notice from dispatch. Mr Schultz is actually a C-Pap client but because he is 85 and severely claustrophobic, he was unable to be fitted for the mask and when he started freaking for the second time on the second try, the Specialist ripped the mask off and said "You know what? This isn't going to work. Maybe you should pay for the Oxygen." Keep in mind that this all happened within six months of his wife's untimely death.

So instead of having a C-Pap machine to treat his apnea, he was being billed for an oxygen concentrator that would open his airways a bit at night and because he had not applied for any widow's benefits, nor updated his new address with the Senior's Program, he wasn't getting subsidies and couldn't pay for anything more than food & rent. After his bill went $600 Past Due, I was sent to take the concentrator away.

I did have to take it, but I also stayed long enough to contact Home Care. They'll get him some of the things he needs (like a wedge pillow and a shower chair) and they'll help him with payment plans in case he needs to buy something. I also called the Senior's Program and printed off the app for CPP Widow/ers Pension so that he'll be able to pay the overdue amount and (hopefully) get the C-Pap.

Bill cautioned me not to do "too much" or bill my time doing all this, but I believe in the end, he will qualify and we'll be able to make him a client in good standing.

Twice during our meeting, Mr Shultz cried when recounting how his wife used to take care of him. I looked him in the eye and told him, "Mr Schultz, I believe that you've had one of the roughest years of your life, but you are not alone. I will help you get the ball rolling with the paperwork, and Marianne will help you get the C-Pap. Until I can find you another, I will be your Advocate."

He promised to be more open-minded about talking to machines (Mr Schultz hung up the moment an electronic voice came on the phone, out of principal. But that principal was driving him out of his home and into the poorhouse) and he promised he'd be open-minded about the masks we'll have to try on his apnea.

The next day, I called Billing and confronted the woman that was pushing me to go out and get the concentrator. I explained a little before she commented that I was "new and idealistic" but I didn't agree. "I may be new to the company, but I'm forty-five and have a lot of experience with people."

"Everyone has a story," she cautioned.

"Exactly! I have a story too, and in this case I think I can help him and I can get that invoice paid."

In the end, she softened. "I hope that when I'm 85 and have Alzheimer's, someone like you will decide to help me."

Me too. And if I'm not here and my family needs help, please let someone else step in to help them!

I'm off to see my mum today, and hopefully get some nice quartz rocks. Have a good weekend!

tgif

2010-10-22T17:24:00.003-06:00

I'm in my office, waiting for Bill to come back so that we can go home.

In the end, it was a good week! I did my deliveries and pick ups, and although we lost several clients this week they were people I hadn't met and I found it easy to deal with their families.

I met one man yesterday, Mr. Schultz, who is 85 and living in a town half hour south of here. His wife of forty years died last January and ever since, he's been sitting back waiting for everything to fall apart around him. It hasn't taken long, given that his wife did everything for him; all the banking and paperwork, all the Dr's and dentists appointments, all the bills. Anyway, he just needs so much and his kids aren't helping, so my office is stepping in.

I contacted a seniors helpline today and got the ball rolling. Ah, Bill is here. Back later!

tuesday afternoon

2010-10-19T12:38:00.004-06:00

An old barn on my parents' farm. Pine Lake, Alberta

Each week I face new challenges and frustrations on the job; this week it's a couple from a farming community south of here. On Saturday I got a call from a rural hospital asking that I come in and set up Mr. Oakley so that he could go home, he had some kind of pulmonary problem and had gone to the ER Friday night. Nice couple in their 60's but very high strung and not likely to listen to anything you say! The two of them rambled on while I was trying to demonstrate how to use the equipment, interrupting me over & over again to ask, "how much is that?" A ninety minute job turned into two hours and twenty minutes, and when I would try to steer them back to the task at hand they chastised me.

To be honest, I don't know. Most of our clients are covered through a provincial program, and in their case they have 100% coverage. It doesn't stop them from worrying, and I don't blame them for the worry, but if they've been told over and over by several different people that they have full coverage, they shouldn't call me when I'm with another client to accuse me of "shafting" them. Seriously.

My working relationship with Bill continues to improve but there have been several setbacks, and as much as he'd like me to forget what was said, it's going to take a little time. Remember that line from When Harry Met Sally?

"You can't take it back. It's already out there!"

It's true, for the most part.

On another note, do you have teens? Em is thirteen and would like to start dating soon. My thoughts are that dating means "physical contact" and I don't want anyone touching her! How old were you when you started dating?

I was sixteen before I was allowed to date, but was able to trick my parents into letting me have "sleepovers." These were plans to attend parties & dances, to drink, and to scope out boys. I was NOT a virgin when I was finally allowed to date.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on it, and I must return to work now that's 1 pm. Have a good afternoon!

over it

2010-10-17T10:13:00.002-06:00

photographer unknown; came across it while gardening this summer.

In the last six years, Bill and I have created quite a little micro-climate of our own inside this house. He and I and the kids have used this house as a haven against the harshness of the outside world. When retail was kicking my ass (or Jamie's) we could come home, make a nice dinner, and sit around the table just basking in the glow of how safe it was here.

Maybe that's why it hurts so much when turmoil appears on the scene.

Oh man! Years and years ago when Dale was still chronically drinking and bringing home all that angst to me, I asked his therapist about it.

"You know, people don't believe me when I say that he did this; no one but me ever sees that side of him! Everyone else sees the charming, friendly, happy man who has it all together. I just don't get it."

"He trusts you. He loves you and he knows that you're the only one that really knows what he's like and you love him anyway. Classic Borderline behaviour, actually."

Let me just say thank God I don't go through that anymore. Bill is a supportive co-worker but he's never worked with a wife before either, so I'll not hold a grudge for long. This time.

To be honest, I'm never very sure if he gets it or if he's calling a truce to get me to shut up. I guess time will tell. Yesterday and today have been pretty normal and we're back to being laughing companions, the way it should be.

Have a good Sunday!

coming down

2010-10-16T11:13:00.002-06:00

photo courtesy of Ron Chavez

Things had calmed down somewhat from the night before, but by yesterday afternoon I continued to resent Bill for comparing me to Lacey. If a call came in for me to fix something on his paperwork, or if I thought I might have to do something that would normally fall into his area of responsibility, I would start to feel miserable immediately.

At four-thirty, I left the office thinking that I'd gas up and deliver a few cylinders to the dentist office and a guy out near Sylvan Lake, but after getting to the gas station I realized that I hadn't brought the delivery notices or an invoice book and couldn't do either because I was too distracted.

Now Bill gets kind of frustrated with me because of the 24 hour turnaround time it takes me to calm down; for him something can be over five minutes later and he can go on as if nothing was said. Unfortunately, when someone questions my ability to do something it takes me a bit longer to calm down. Yesterday and the evening before all I could do is inventory my successes, all the things that both myself and my new co-worker have accomplished, against what I haven't completed yet. I called him from the gas station, miserable.

"So you really feel like things were better before?!" I asked, trying not to cry.

"No Kate," he said, frustration spilling into his tone. "It was a mistake to go down that road last night, I shouldn't have done it and I didn't mean to do it. If we start it all over again today it'll all go to shit like it did last night."

"But why would you say it if you didn't mean it?"

"I was frustrated. I really appreciate everything you and Marianne are doing."

"You didn't mean it."

"No."

"Okay."

Bill went to pick up his nephew, so that they could take in a Rebel's game (local hockey) and I got Em and Jamie and took them out for chinese food and got them some clothes for school.

I hope that on Monday, I can get back some of the enthusiasm I had for the job before all this stuff went down. I like the job when I think I'm making a difference. Not just to Bill but to my clients. Oh, and the good part of it so far? My paycheque was actually bigger than his. That's awesome.

livid

2010-10-15T13:45:00.006-06:00

The night I moved into my new house, 2004

Many of you know that I took a job at Bill's company as a respiratory technician; there hadn't been one for several years and the remaining staff were completely overwhelmed.

Lacey, the wife of the old manager, left the company when her husband got her a position at his new company, our competition.

After she left, we started seeing just how overwhelmed she was. Piles of files and invoices and requisitions lay all over the office, every surface was covered. Based on what I've seen, Lacey did nothing but sell C-Pap machines and service those customers.

She talked our boss into letting her hire a helper, based on the fact that she'd take over some of the home oxygen deliveries but that never happened. Apparently, she lied to get the help in the office with filing (fat lot of good that did) and sold Bill down the river.

I come along and six weeks later, have the deliveries done, the paperwork done, the filing, the Safety, the warehouse, the supplies, the troubleshooting and Bill is now down to very little overtime and can call on me when he needs something. Good, right?

Yesterday Bill was in a mood due to some computer error and even though I took care of it (and it's still being investigated) he decided to "be honest" with me. Apparently he'd been "spoiled" by Lacey because he could call her and she'd "make one call and it'd be alright" and he doesn't blame me because I am "inexperienced" and "need some more time to learn the ropes."

BIG, BIG, MISTAKE. I know he was just venting; but now I'm doubting that anything I do will make a lick of difference. Today I feel like quitting my job because apparently, I'm not doing enough, and to be honest, I can't do any more - working fifty hours a week is already too much.

The good news is, I don't have to see him tonight because he's taking his nephew to a hockey game and I'm taking Em & Jamie shopping. Hopefully this black mood will lift by then.

another day off

2010-10-11T11:45:00.002-06:00

Random garden art. Love stuff like this!

Yesterday was such a lovely day!

Bill and I usually spend Sundays loading/unloading his 3 ton truck, sorting empty cylinders and decontaminating and transferring equipment to our biomed location in Calgary, but this week we did it on Saturday and boy did we get a lot done! Thank goodness too, because in the last few days we've had a lot of call outs to change concentrators and we were so behind we were having to clean & test on the go.

Having everything finished early meant that I could do some gardening while the turkey was in the oven, and I took full advantage of that. I moved a peony tree from the front yard to the back (I think it's going to need it's own micro-climate this winter, and since I moved it into a corner area, I believe it'll survive) and I edged some of the other beds I have in front with soft red brick. Although I don't always like the look of it when it's freshly installed, I know it'll look great next spring once the annuals are planted.

By five in the afternoon, I had much of the garden cleaning done and while Em and I drove off to collect Jamie from work, Bill mashed the potatoes and drained the veggies and took the turkey out of the oven.

Dinner was lovely! The bird was only ten pounds and went quickly, and after dinner we settled in the living room with coffee and cheesecake to watch "One Week", a Canadian independent film with Joshua Jackson. Loved it and highly recommend it!

Today is Holiday Monday, which means I get an extra day off (again, thank goodness! I put in 51 hours last week) and we're driving out to Eckville to see Bill's sister. Since she lost her MIL to cancer in January, she has quit work as a camp cook and stays home on the family farm to help look after her FIL; this has meant she could send for her fifteen year old son in Newfoundland and she's thrilled. She has not lived full time with her children for several years, because she had to leave the province to work. Now that she has Brent back, she's spoiling him rotten! Good thing he's such a nice boy.

Happy Monday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-10-10T09:58:00.002-06:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and I have a lot to be thankful for!
My parents are all alive and relatively happy, my oldest is in college and working and Bill and Em are doing well and their respective families are all okay.

Em is coping well with the suicide of her mom, which happened in March this year. Since she's turned 13 (in May) we've really stepped up our expectations in regard to how well she cares for her own possessions, how much she helps us around the house and how willing she is to be open about her friends and aquaintences and she's done pretty good. There have been a few times that we've had heated exchanges, but that is to be expected. Man, the teenage years are hard on everyone!!

Jamie is enjoying college but really needs to get out of retail and FAST. She's been trying to do both because she put off asking for a loan, but after her manager started gunning for her (writing her up for almost anything! She's had to refuse to sign a few complaints because they were completely made up) she's decided to resign and is looking for something more part time and hopefully, with a team that doesn't have an ego based manager. Jamie is a lot like me when I was younger, and having such a strong personality doesn't go over very well with managers like that, lol.

This past week was a lot better in terms of work, and I cried only three times, which is an improvement! One of the problems is that I am very sensitive to other people's pain; this is something I have always had and it got worse after Dale's passing. If someone yells at me or treats me badly I must chalk it up to stress or worry, but I am getting better at ignoring it. Remember Mr Avery from last week? He was in the hospital this past Wednesday and I didn't have to deliver any cylinders, but I was awfully worried knowing how he'd been feeling the week before. I can only hope that he recovers okay, or if he can't, that he goes quickly and without pain.

Okay, I'm off to read a few blogs. Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadians!

long darn week

2010-10-02T11:11:00.007-06:00

tokyo loved the moniter and the warm modem, which used to sit atop the old desk.

What a rough week.

On Wednesday while I was out in the van, Bill called to see if I had enough cylinders on board to deliver to a man on the south side. Since I knew one of my favourite ladies on the west side hadn't been feeling well and thus hadn't used her oxygen cylinders up, that left one delivery in that area.

I pulled over and called. In the last month, Mrs. Miller had hurt her foot and lay down more, Mr. Miller often forgot to put the empties out and always appreciated a call anyway. Two weeks prior, I had taken her a kit filled with soap and bath puffs from Jamie's store and as I was leaving, Mr. Miller shouted after me, "Make sure you say thanks to your daughter, too!"

The phone rang several times.

"Hi Mr. Miller! It's Kathy calling. How many cylinders will Mrs. Miller need this week?"

"She won't be needing any. She died an hour ago."

Heart sinking

Completely unexpected! His voice was filled with shock, confusion and despair and after saying how sorry I was and making some cursory plans to pick up equipment, I hung up and cried for the next few minutes. I can tell already that I am going to have to keep tissues in my work van! After sniffling for a moment I called Bill to let him know and he was heartbroken as well.

Thursday dawned with the excitement of my second full time paycheque, but after checking online I realized that I'd only been paid for one week, the mortgage had already come out and I was left with enough to pay for haircuts (myself, Jamie and Em cost about $135, tips included) and maybe a few groceries.

Later in the day I was called to Mr. Avery's senior's residence to replace his regulator (the mechanism that brings oxygen from the cylinder into the tubing) and was looking forward to seeing him again. I'd met him the week before, changed out his cylinders and found him to be very friendly. He reminded me of what Tim Robbins might be like, if he were 90 and very frail.

When I arrived at 3:30, he was with a palliative care community nurse who must have mistaken me for a respiratory therapist, because she started asking me about his sats and pulsox and charts and information she'd been promised but which never arrived in time for this appointment. It was meant to arrive through the Hospital Respiratory department, not our company, but I was able to get a house therapist on my cell and get all the numbers she needed. I could feel a lot of tension and confusion in the room and that made me feel as though I would take the brunt of it and I was right. Apparently a recent diagnosis had forced his consumption of oxygen up and he's received a call from WCB asking why he was doubling up on cylinders. (What bastards by the way! Mr Avery suffers from the effects of inhaling asbestos in his working days) He must have been flustered by the call, by the nurses visit, and by the way he was going through oxygen.

"I need a new nose piece!" he'd bark out. "And some tubing. No! Not that long. Pull your hair back! Don't drop it! What do you mean?! Did you do that or not?"

Throughout, I continued with "Yes, absolutely! No problem. Okay, Mr Avery." I gave him two large cylinders free of charge.

As I was saying good-bye, he apologised and I smiled and said I'd see him Wednesday, then went outside and cried.

It's emotionally exhausting some days, which is something I wish that Em would understand, but at thirteen you can't really expect it. That particular day was a bad day for her to start something with me at the mall, particulary after we've spent the last month buying, buying, buying and she was whiny and insistent that it wasn't yet enough. It doesn't take long for that sense of entitlement to kick in for teenagers and I'll always put the kibosh on that! Still, I hope one day that Em realizes she'll avoid a world of trouble if she just watches her tone when she's addressing adults.

Tokyo ran way three days ago and we don't know where she is yet.

Now it's Saturday and we've all made peace again, although we're all worried sick about kitty. Bill and Em are bedroom cleaning and I'm blogging, after having made eggs & toast for breakfast. I have some chicken soup on the stove and I'm going to try my hand at cooking this hard bread that Bill says is such a Newfoundland delicacy. Today is the eighth anniversary of Dale's death, which is hard to believe! Time truly marches on.

Have a wonderful weekend.

disclaimer: all names and locations are changed to protect privacy.

clear communication is key

2010-09-28T07:07:00.006-06:00

A rash of miscommunication of late is causing me to get frustrated! Here's an example.

phone rings.

Kate: Hello?

Iris;Resp. Therapist: Hello. I need assessments faxed to my office. Have you heard anything yet on Rebecca Smith?

Kate: Marianne saw her last night. Would you like to speak to her?

Iris: No. Is Cindy there? (our boss)

Cindy: I need for you to set up Rebecca Smith.

Iris: Kate said that Marianne set her up.

cindy: She did? I dunno why she'd say that.

*sigh*

Kate: I didn't say that. I said...

cindy: It doesn't matter.

*sigh* Yes, it does. This type of thing will hurt someone eventually. "Seeing" is not slang for a full oxygen set up. Goodness.

september 26

2010-09-26T12:07:00.005-06:00

painting by Stephen Magsig

Next weekend will mark the eighth anniversary of Dale's death. October 2, 2002.

It was at the beginning of last week that I thought, is it someones birthday today? What day is it anyway? and a few moments later I realized that it was the countdown time.

Sept. 14th was the day he announced he was ready to go; he lingered on at our little duplex over by the Michener Centre. I was caring for him there because I'd promised him he wouldn't have to die at the hospital. Those eight hospital stays had taken their toll and he would have no more of it. Honestly, he would have liked to go off on his own to die, on his own terms down to the letter (that was his personality disorder at work) but he acquiesced to me and eventually chose to pass in his own bed, which was a double size platform.

For the first few days we didn't make any changes, he was growing weak but could still be assisted to the en suite bathroom or to lay down on the couch down the hall in the living room. One such day I remember putting a Muddy Waters disc in the stereo. He lay still for a few seconds, with his eyes closed, before whispering, "You are a Goddess."

The following week in our bedroom, I'd had to take out most personal affects to make room for wash cloths, bed pads, foamy toothbrushes and a washing basin. Above the bed where a print had once hung there were bags of saline and morphine. The bedside table was gone and a large beige corduroy papasan chair was positioned so that the caregiver could read or nap while sitting with him.

It blows me away that it's been eight years since I started that first countdown - at this time, on this day eight years ago, my sister and I were in her truck taking Dale to see his general practitioner in Innisfail. I'd be told that he had a week or so left, and he did indeed pass on a week later.

Today I'm building a little compost bin in the back yard. I think it'll be a good day.

lovely morning

2010-09-25T10:58:00.002-06:00

It's supposed to be 18 deg C today but feels a lot cooler. Bill and I have been in the kitchen reading the news and playing on Face book since we got up at 10:30, but now that there's a fresh pot of coffee ready, I want to sit back and read blogs.

I know that I have cleaning to do later but I'll probably take advantage of this peacefulness as long as work will allow! The last few weekends have been spent responding to customer calls; a faulty humidifier on a concentrator, an initial oxygen set-up, a traveller low on cylinders.

Last night around eight-thirty I got a call to visit a woman nearby, she was living in a beautiful seniors facility. The entire building is reminiscent of Italy, with it's wide sweeping stone balconies and Italian tiles! Large displays of flowers and beautiful paintings line the gently curving hallway, and each resident has their name engraved on a large square, ceramic tile located to the left of the door.

I was surprised at how small the room was! It was painted in the same, soothing colours as the rest of the building, but resembled a small private hospital room. A tall, frail woman lay in the bed and a middle aged woman, her daughter, stood in the narrow space between the bed and the window. Apparently the cylinder was faulty and we were able to switch it out in no time. The younger woman remarked how her mum kept hovering near death and coming back, to the surprise of doctors and family members alike. We spent twenty minutes making sure they felt comfortable with everything before coming back home.

Today Bill has a trip to Edmonton, to retrieve his own delivery truck from the repair shop. This means that I take over the on-call service, so I'm making him wait until I finish reading a few blogs. It's nice to see that many of my old favourites are back to bloggong again.

Happy Saturday!

I made excellent tai chicken for dinner and now I am too tired to write for long.

2010-09-21T20:42:00.003-06:00

Here's Bill and Em from two summers ago.

Bill is thirty pounds lighter (from working so many hours since Christmas) and doesn't have the glasses anymore, and Em is now 5'7".

We need another vacation so that I can update the pics!

Christmas Morning

2010-09-19T10:38:00.003-06:00

Em's new Ideapad

That's what it felt like at 9:00 last night, when we gave Em her new Ideapad.

I've wanted to give her one since she came home from her Auntie's house asking if she could use my laptop (nope, sorry) and the best time to get it would be during the month of September when all the back-to-school sales are still going. Bill and I were paid on Wednesday, it took us three days to find the time. Finally, he decided to take Em with him to Edmonton, to drop off his work truck and I took Jamie with me to get the Ideapad and to buy Jamie's textbooks for her college classes.

I can't tell you how satisfying it was to see the look of relief on Jamie's face; her books total hundreds of dollars and she was so worried! Then several hours later, we called Em to the kitchen for a family meeting and presented the little 10" laptop. It was just awesome.

I know that money isn't everything but dang does it buy some personal and parental satisfaction! I think yesterday's date will go down as one of Em's Big Days in the years to come. Yay!

stay back

2010-09-18T13:24:00.002-06:00

photo by Stuart Krempin

Yesterday, Bill almost killed three teenaged boys.

Actually, he was driving down the highway in his International delivery truck and the boy that was driving the half ton behind him almost killed himself and his passengers.

All he did was get up close to the back of Bill's truck, looking for an opening to pass. However, Bill was also looking for an opportunity to pass the vehicle in front of him, and when he glanced into his side mirrors for the second time and didn't see anybody back there, he flipped on his indicator light and started to move into the passing lane.

That's when he saw the half ton truck, who'd started to pull out from behind Bill's truck at the exact same moment. The half ton with the kids was forced onto the shoulder and Bill hit the horn, shaking his fist out the window as he picked up speed and left the kids behind him, shaking at the side of the road.

"Oh my god," I exclaimed as he retold the story. "I would have been freaking out!"

"After they pulled out and I caught sight of them, their faces were all frozen in some kind of horrified scream. We have to make sure that we emphasize to the kids that they ALWAYS keep a safe distance behind big trucks."

I agree. Scary! Here's a good way to know if you're too close to a big truck; if you can't see his side mirrors from your position behind him, then HE can't see you.

Personally, I like to keep six to eight car lengths behind and if I don't have the power to change lanes and overtake him from back there, I need to calm down and wait for a few more minutes.

I tend to have a heavy foot, but carrying a supply of oxygen cylinders has helped me a lot to be patient on the road.

objects of desire

2010-09-16T06:54:00.004-06:00

I would like to have my side yard filled with these types of flowering shubs. Next spring baby!
Yanno, snow is forcasted for tomorrow and Saturday in my area. That's crazy!

lost

2010-09-09T21:30:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, I lost the 1/2 carat diamond out of my engagement ring from Dale.

I was pretty sad about it becaue the diamond meant a lot to Dale. It took him six months to pay it off, and once when I lost it in the clothing store I managed, he was so disappointed. Thank god it was found a month later and for Christmas he gave me a narrow gold band with channel set diamonds to hold the engagement ring in place.

I wore the diamond with mine and Dale's wedding band for a full year after his death, then not again until after Bill and I were married. I loved how well it set off the diamonds in the band that Bill gave me.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed that the diamond was gone, and my heart just sank.

Bill says he's excited to help me find a new one, and I'll leave the other one behind. Besides, it could be anywhere - I visited several nursing homes and a couple of private homes. It could be in someone's vacuum cleaner by now.

monday quiet

2010-09-06T10:57:00.002-06:00

Jamie, July 2010

Last week when Jamie said, "Well I dunno how to tell you guys so I'll just spit it out."

In that second, Bill and I both thought 'don't be pregnant', as a knee-jerk reaction.

"I'm moving out."

*sigh of relief*

"Moving out!" I parroted, somehow not surprised. In the past few weeks I'd seen the odd comment on Jame's facebook page, then she started organizing her things. That alone was the biggest red flag of all, lol. Anyway, for the last year I have been waiting for that moment, yet it still felt a little shocking.

Jamie turned twenty-one last December and many of her friends have have been out of their parents' homes for years by that age, although some still require assistance from their parents.

I'm so happy that I had her at home a little bit longer.

She'd gone through Dale's nervous breakdown, alcoholism and death between the ages of eight and thirteen and lost at least two years of development in 2001 and 2002. In the aftermath of all that, we moved into an apartment on the east side (I always refer to those two years as our pergatory) where Jamie struggled through a myriad of challenges.

These last four years have been spent building a foundation for the kids. In the past both myself & Dale and Bill & Tina had been caught up in all the problems associated with mental illness and drug and alcohol abuse, and the kids paid a high price for that. Dale passed away in 2002; Tina passed away last March.

The kids have really bonded these past four years! That's the best thing about Jamie having stayed home a little longer. Plus, I got to know her as she grew and changed and in these last few years she's gained a graceful self-confidence.

Em stayed with her last night but forgot to take a change of clothes so we're running some items over after this, I think we'll also take an old buffet table and some of Dale's things. After that, Jamie is taking Em shopping for more school clothes. Yay for holiday Mondays :)

a conversation about journalspace

2010-09-04T10:26:00.003-06:00

Em came home from school yesterday, exclaiming "Oh my God! I was filling out forms today and had to give my social teacher your email."

I was sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop open, Jamie was making something to drink by the fridge, having come over to finish packing.

"When she looked at it, she said 'Becomingkate?' and I said 'yeah' and she said 'oh my God I used to follow her on journalspace!'"

I looked up over my reading glasses. "Journalspace?! What did you say?" I asked.

"Nothing! I just looked at her like this. Oookayyy."

"I didn't know there was anyone from here that followed me at JS," I said, surprised.

Jamie walked over. "Me either!! Small world, hey?"

Indeed! I have so many happy memories of journalspace. There were so many people whose lives I really cared about, and so many people that followed my posts from the time I'd first met Bill. Some of the very first I remember meeting was Silent Whisper, Wizardress, Tammy and Kittywoman.

Remember Smotlock? He was definitely one of a kind, love him or hate him.

I really enjoyed photography blogs, or blogs with the writer pouring out their hearts, or sharing their stories of every day life with family and friends. It's true that at the end of the day, I would much rather leave a nice, encouraging comment than a contrary one, but most of the time my comments were like a friendly wave as I weaved through link after link of friends posts.

Maybe now that I have weekends off, I can keep up with the awesome friends I have here and at various other blogsites.

Have a good weekend.

the flowers, the job and passing another milestone

2010-08-28T15:19:00.004-06:00

For the last couple of months we've been watching these strange, sedum looking plants pop up all over the front bed but until now, we haven't know what they are or where they came from. Turns out that it's Rosemoss, and I have yellow and white blooms. We don't know if they were planted or dropped from a planter on the porch, but they're hardy little things!

My new job has been pretty good so far. Neither of the women in the office has been very welcoming or helpful, but I've discovered that I'm senior to one and on par with the other; one is down to help from Edmonton and the other has resigned and her last day is on Monday. Anyway, I have had the Regional boss stop in and have secured $1,500 in stainless steel tables and cabinets and while I'm waiting for those I've gutted the warehouse that Bill works in and re-organized everything.

In between all that, I am delivering oxygen cylinders or concentrators and getting patients set up on the proper flow before the Respiratory Therapist arrives 24 hours later. I enjoy it so far and have been getting an hour or two every day in overtime. Yesterday I picked up a custom fitted company van with 35 km on it!

In other news, my oldest daughter Jamie is moving out. She's 21 now and attending college in the fall, this place is about a block from the college. It's a great opportunity with the rent being so low! I will miss her every single day but I know she needs to do this and it's time. I'm proud of her.

Today we're going to transplant my Mom's peony so I should finish up and read a few friends. Happy Saturday!

good news

2010-08-14T21:46:00.003-06:00

Random gardening photo; I'm obsessed with how people work around their yards.

I was hired for a full time position yesterday, with Bill's company. Yay!

The remuneration is about 80% higher than my previous position, especially when you consider the company car and company cell phone.

I start training in Edmonton on Monday, but do not expect to be overwhelmed - from what I understand, I'll be delivering oxygen to senior's and doing some administrative work in the office. Thank goodness!

I am SO happy to be moving on from the situation I was in.

summer book report

2010-08-05T12:47:00.001-06:00

Julie Metz was forty-three years old when her husband of twelve years dropped dead on the kitchen floor. After realizing that the thud she'd heard in another part of the house wasn't a package being delivered, nor was it something that one of the cats knocked off the counter, she raced up the stairs to the bedroom, calling out his name.

"Henry" (his name in the book) was not in the bedroom, so she raced back down the stairs to the kitchen. As she spotted him on the kitchen floor, flat on his back and spread-eagled, she had the overwhelming sensation that she and Henry were in an opening sequence for the show Six Feet Under, which was a favourite show of theirs that year.

"Perfection" is the best-selling true account of what happened after Henry, 44, died that day.

It details how Henry was cremated and the urn kept at home, surrounded by the people and the things he loved. How his little girl (six at the time of his death) dealt with the good and the bad that was her father, and how Julie turned to one of their mutual friends, Tomas, for support. Six months later and a few weeks after becoming sexually involved with him, Julie describes laying in bed with him one evening. An ambulance in the distance roars past; the sound takes Julie back to the afternoon of Henry's death.

"I still miss him so much, I can't bear it. How long is this going to go on?" she asks.

Tomas laid still, staring at the ceiling. "Do you miss everything?"

"No, but when I think that way I feel guilty."

"You shouldn't."

"What do you mean? Tomas please. Please tell me."

"There was a woman in California. I thought you knew. There was also some others, I don't know everything yet...we found a lot on Henry's computer."

The next morning, Julie gets up early and starts calling all of their mutual friends. One in particular, Emily, begins crying right away. "It was Cathy," she said, between sniffles. "They were having an affair, for two years at least. We found their emails on Henry's computer the morning after he died."

Cathy! Cathy lived next door with her husband, a petite athletic woman who'd befriended both Julie and Henry. Cathy's daughter was best friends with Julie's daughter Liza, at that moment Liza was in Cathy's house, waiting to picked up from a sleepover.

Julie's first thought:

I have to go pick up my child. Liza was in the home of the woman who had been involved in a long affair with my now dead husband, who had used her own daughter to gain daily entry to my home, who had insinuated herself into my life, eaten my food, preened by my swimming pool, pretended to be a friend. A women that had left a fucking fruit salad in my refrigerator.

The story continues as Julie discovers one lover after another; Henry's computer and his address book turn up five different lovers over a long period of time. Almost from the beginning of their marriage the red flags are there; Julie had decided to ignore them. After his death, she has no choice but to face it head on and eventually confronts each of his lovers. "What the hell were you thinking," she asks. "You had to have known he was married."

One of his lovers - one of the last, that Henry had tried to hire on as an assistant, actually becomes online friends with Julie and they keep in touch for years to come.

I really enjoyed this book. I read it first as a widow, and truly identified with Julie's feelings (part one is aptly titled "fog") and revelled in her uplifting and hopeful ending. I loved her brutal honesty about sexuality after widowhood, the mistakes she made with Liza when she started dating, and the peace she felt after becoming recoupled. In one of the last anecdotes of the book, Julie and her new BF take Liza to Mexico for a vacation, and there they meet up with a single man who has a daughter the same age.

"Do y'all live together then?" the little girl asked in her southern lilt.

"Yes," I replied cheerfully, "we're a funny little family, we none of us have the same last name."

The father nodded. "Whatever works," he said.

"Indeed."

"perfection; a memoir of betrayal and renewal" by julie metz
2009 Voice
Hyperion Books

the red queen

2010-08-03T12:34:00.004-06:00

Over the weekend, Bill, Jamie and I attended a birthday party with the Tim Burton "Alice in Wonderland" theme. We had weeks to prepare but were busy with the kids and work and trying to stay out of the way of mosquitoes, which are OUT OF CONTROL this year due to all the rainfall.

Anyway, in the end Bill dressed up as Rabbit (replete with a bunny tail and a vest with an alarm clock attached) I dressed as the Red Queen, and Jamie went as an Ass Kisser (if you haven't seen the movie, an ass-kisser is a character that is afraid the Queen will chop off their heads; therefore they all wear prosthetics so that the Queen with the HUGE head won't have them killed. IE, someone will have normal body proportions but have a really big nose, or ears)

As it turned out, we were the only ones that dressed up out of about a dozen people, except for the birthday girl. This is now the second time we've shown up at a party in costume, only to find everyone couldn't be bothered.

It's a little disappointing. I wonder if the birthday girl was disappointed?

(Driving Jamie to work. Be back soon)

not bad!

2010-07-08T15:08:00.000-06:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	6.2
Body:	6.8
Spirit:	7
Friends/Family:	5.9
Love:	9.1
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

ribbit

2010-07-02T10:22:00.002-06:00

the frog in one of my front flower beds. Love the umbrella!

In 2005 and 2006, Bill and I stayed at a Bed & Breakfast place out in Kelowna, BC. The place had incredible landscaping all along a hill; it was lush with flowers, shrubs, and perennials, and right beside our room along the patio was a little pond, replete with frogs.

We loved those frogs and decided to add them when we designed ours. Well, it's taken a lot of trial and error, but the yard is coming along fine and so are the frogs. Pictured is my latest aquisition. He hangs out near the Asiatic Lilies, but gets extra shade from an umbrella.

I was made for lovin' you baby

2010-06-13T12:10:00.002-06:00

A few months ago, I started thinking about scooters.

The van we recently purchased is for Bill's use, it's almost twenty kilometers to his shop and no city buses run that way. On the other hand, I have a bus stop at the end of every corner, so it's so much easier for me to get around. The scooter would be for those times that we just want to run to the store, or get some place quickly. I like the idea that the kids can use it (Em can use the scooter after she turns 14 and gets her driver's learner permit) and that it doesn't have to be licensed and insured. I don't like the idea that it's more dangerous, but at the very least, the traffic here in my city tends to follow a certain pattern and we're already hyper-vigilant of vehicles when we're on foot.

Scooters like the one in the pic go for $1,000 and up. One day soon....

06.11.2010 update

2010-06-11T10:55:00.003-06:00

I have missed blogging so much over these past six months!

I've missed you all as well. To be honest, my life had gotten so bad that I couldn't even write about it. If I was finding it depressing, it would have been even worse for you. Thankfully, things are starting to look up.

I purchased a vehicle the other day, a Dodge mini-van from the nineties. It might be an old beater, but there are several good things about it; we're the third owners with the first & second owners being older empty nesters (which means no one has used the back seats, ever) and we'll never have to make a monthly payment on it. Yay! The best news was being able to insure it.

I can't tell you how much anxiety we had around not being able to insure Bill's truck! Every trip to the gas station, the bank or the grocery store meant being overly vigilant for RCMP and County Mounty cruisers. I can probably recount at least a dozen occasions where we ended up directly behind one of them, and the fines and demerits would have made things much, much worse.

At any rate, we're through that now. On Monday we went down to the insurance office and paid for the first three months. We're thrilled.

My education really took a hit this past spring, and as a result I had to drop out of my Math 75 course last Wednesday. With everything going on I couldn't keep up with my homework and everything snowballed to the point that I would have failed my last exam. Since I'd rather have "withdrawn" instead of "fail" on my transcript, I signed off on it the day before the unit exam. Already I miss the friends that I made there, but I have been trying to make other plans.

I may be able to challenge the entrance into my business program by meeting with the Director of the Business and Finance department (I have to look for my certificate from the LLQP course I took to become a Financial Advisor) and hopefully he'll work with me. If not, I'm looking into some law courses.

I'm signing off now to catch up with everyone. Happy Friday!

she's officially a teen

2010-05-08T10:36:00.005-06:00

Today is Emily's thirteenth birthday!

I can hardly believe that she was as small as she was when I first met her. Now she is almost 5'6" with a love for tank tops and sneakers, skateboards, curling irons and flat irons and high end phones (Jamie turned her into a phone snob by giving Em her Blackberry when she got a new one) Things have definitely changed!

The first time I met Em, it was two weeks after her seventh birthday. She was a tiny little thing with chipmunk cheeks. She was just finishing up grade one and still carried around her favourite stuffed animals, (which she called stuffties) and she fell in love with Jamie immediately. I think she loved how punky/emo/unusual she was with the spiky, dyed hair and funky clothes.

Now, Em is the one experimenting with all the different looks and Jamie is settling into adulthood. It's been an interesting few years, to say the least.

Happy Birthday Em! We love you and wouldn't change a thing, even if we could.

PS: If you have a Wordpress blog (Wildstorm and Burstmode come to mind) please know I am reading your blogs and LOVE your recent pics. For some reason, my laptop won't allow me to add my info to comment, and I will have to do that next time I am on the desktop)

sunday again, already?

2010-03-21T16:04:00.002-06:00

photographer unknown

It's a beautiful Sunday today, 10 C°!
Bill is in the front yard fixing the truck (fuel pump) the kids are downstairs cleaning, and I'm trying to figure out what to make for supper on Tuesday night. Bill's sister and BIL are coming for supper and will see our house for the first time!

I love having people over for dinner. It's one of the only times our family will pull together to do a major clean (floors, entranceway, windows, bathrooms - it's a Spring Clean every time!)

Update on Em: She's doing very well and so is Bill; in fact, there is a sense of freedom in the house that we have never had before. Tina's death kind of set off some memories for me (which kind of surprised me) but I went for my yearly physical on Friday and the doc gave me some Xanax to handle the anxiety.

I'll probably pick it up on Monday, not sure if I'll try it at all during the school day but save it for afterward - the last thing I want is to fall asleep while I'm supposed be working on geometry.

I'm off to finish the meatballs. Happy Sunday!

sunday meme

2010-03-14T14:57:00.003-06:00

photographer unknown

Meme stolen from Irishcoda

1. What were you doing 10 years ago? I was managing a clothing store and Dale was still alive, Jamie was eleven. We spent a lot of time trying to avoid and/or deal with Dale's alcoholism, so the two of us ate supper at various restaurants while he slept it off.

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world: Dill Pickle chips, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, Oh Henry Bars, Triple Layer Chocolate Cake, fruit & yogurt

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire: Sell the house and buy an acreage, buy another Xterra, set up a retirement fund for Bill and I, trust funds for the kids and help the family.

4. Three of your habits: avoidance of unpleasant tasks, blogging, leaving half finished drinks around the house.

5. Five jobs that you've have had: waitress, bartender, renumerator, store manager, financial advisor.

6. Five places that you've lived: Sechelt BC, Elnora AB, Edmonton AB, Youbou BC, Red Earth Creek AB

7. Five things that you did yesterday: made coffee, hand washed some clothes, made the bed, bought meat for supper, took Em to the bookstore.

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about: None that come to mind.

9. Abortion: for or against it? I support a woman's right to choose.

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female Prime Minister? nope.

11. Do you believe in the death penalty? Yes

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Perhaps a better word would be "decriminalized."

13. Are you for or against premarital sex? When the time is right it's fine.

14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? I believe in equal rights and responsibilities for everyone.

15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? I don't really have an opinion unless you're talking about Canada.

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? It IS 18 here, and I'm fine with that.

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? I really feel for everyone involved, but it's not my place to say.

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? Not sure if it's illegal here, but unless you've actually watched someone die a terrible death, you'd better not tell me I have no options to help.

19. Do you believe in spanking your children? I spanked Jamie twice when she was two and I was relieved that it worked and I didn't have to do it anymore.

20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? They might, but I am not worried.

oh, Madonna!

2010-03-13T08:07:00.002-07:00

As much as I hate my own upper arms, I would never, ever want to have arms like this. Doesn't it make her look like some kind of alien? Who finds this attractive?

blast from the past; Sept 29, 1990

2010-03-12T18:36:00.009-07:00

Kathy and part of Dale, the night we met
An old friend recently posted this pic of me from the night that I met my late husband; it was taken on September 29, 1990. So hard to believe it's been twenty years!

Anyway, with Tina's passing last weekend, it seems that Bill and I have even more in common than our love for the kids and similar goals for the future. When I saw this picture of me, my first thought was she has no idea what she's in for. Dale and Tina turned out to be very much alike, except that Tina had a bigger mean streak than Dale did. Both of them died young - Dale was thirty-five and Tina was thirty-eight and they both suffered for years and years.

In the pic I'm twenty-five and single for the first time in almost five years, Jamie would have been about twenty months old then. The night I met Dale I was supposed to meet up with a bunch of friends at a nightclub called Branley's but this guy Shawn called. Now I have mixed feelings for Shawn - I always liked him, but never that way, so when he called to ask me over for a drink I politely declined.

"Sorry," I remember saying, "I gotta take a cab to Branley's and I won't have enough money left if I stop off first." The truth was, I knew he was interested but didn't want to ward off any advances. Still, he kept trying.

"My buddy's here and he'll come to get you."

"Hmmm. Think he'd give me a ride to Branley's afterward?"

Turned out his buddy was Dale. I can picture him now in his Saskatchewan Roughriders football jersey, Levi's and sneakers. From the moment I met him I really liked him, and after we woke up the next morning he drove me home and asked me out on a real date. Shawn tried warning me that he would break my heart and he did, but not for several more years.

I find it ironic that both Dale and Tina suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. It's characterized by depression, black and white thinking, fear of abandonment, substance abuse, anger issues and suicidal thoughts. Of course, Tina was also bi-polar and had another mental illness called Muncheusen's, but essentially it came down to two things - they were both charming, smart and attractive, but neither had the strength to survive. Dale died twelve years and three days after the picture was taken.

During the next seven years I would be plagued a variety of emotional issues and crippling shoulder pain. Bill survived a mild heart attack but still deals with depression and occasional shoulder and back pain. The kids are still doing well and we pray every day they continue to do so. I know I'll always worry, knowing that Jamie and Em were so badly effected by all the chaos, but they seem stronger for having survived it as well.
Tomorrow, Bill's sister is coming into town and we're all seeing a movie. Since we're too far away to have attended Tina's service, everyone thought a Family Day would be good.

Have a good weekend!

terrible news

2010-03-09T07:09:00.004-07:00

We discovered on Sunday that Emily's bio-mom, Tina, died on Saturday night.

We're not sure of all the details, but it seems that it was suicide and the entire family is devastated.

We had a terribly acromonious relationship with Tina. When she was younger, she was a kind hearted girl with some problems but eventually those problems became all consuming. She'd been abused by her father, who was mentally unstable and cruel, she tended to pick men that were addicts or alcoholics, and she was never the same after her surgery in the year 2000 - that was when her addiction to oxycontin started and it never ended until Saturday night.

In many ways, I am now relieved. For Em, certainly, who rode the rollercoaster along side us for the last few years. I'm relieved that she'll stop threatening to take us back to court, I'm relieved that she'll leave Bill alone (who was the love of her life, based on her actions of the last few years) and I'm relieved for Tina, who must have dealt with much of the same fear and shame as my late husband, Dale. If it was anything at all like that, may she rest in peace.

She was only 38 years old. It doesn't seem real.

I'll be back tomorrow. I'm off to read a few blogs before heading to school.

computer kitty

2010-03-05T07:00:00.002-07:00

I was going through old photos on Facebook when I came across this picture of Tokyo, our (now) five year old female kitty. Isn't she cute?

When we first got her, she used to sleep on top of the old modem that sat on top of my desk. When I was blogging (which was a LOT - three posts a day!) she was always sleeping beside me. On this particular day, she'd been trying to get up there on her own so I lifted her up and she was happy to stay for awhile.

happy hump day

2010-03-03T15:34:00.002-07:00

Just a few more weeks and it'll be spring in Alberta. Yay! I can't tell you how happy I'll be once the snow and ice are completely gone. Every morning I bundle up in my wool coat and hiking boots and I can't wait until I can wear my sneakers.

Update on Math 50: Holy crap math is hard! I seemed to do fine on the first module, but the second one (algebra) kicked my butt! I actually failed the unit exam (with something like 34%) and plan to retake it so I'm not overly worried. Okay - I did cry a little knowing that I could have been working and making money rather than failing tests, but I got over that soon enough. Eventually, the school will bring me a business degree and that's what is important.

I think that I've finally come to terms with giving up my truck. I know I said I was okay with it, but to be honest I really, really missed it for the first few months. Part of my issue went back to when I was a single mom in the early nineties. Oh, how I hated taking that bus! I would have walked for an extra fifteen minutes if it meant I didn't have to take a bus, and that attitude followed me into my thirties. In fact, I bet Dale would flip out if he knew I took one every day - back when he was alive I insisted on decent transportation. He had to drive the boogie van because I wouldn't be seen parking next to the other managers at the mall, lol.

Anyway, recently I started thinking about getting a motorbike or a scooter. Wouldn't it be fun in the summer? Also, I think that Bill would be really excited if he knew I'd go for a bike, and I'd be excited knowing that we'd save on insurance! Even before thinking about a bike, Bill and I were talking about getting a half-ton instead of a car, but I think we could afford both if we shopped around.

Off to read some blogs. Happy Wednesday!

1993

2010-02-19T10:04:00.003-07:00

Dan and Dale, my late husband. Circa 1993 or 1994

I thought I'd post an old pic of my husband Dale, who died in 2002. In this pic he was training with his friend Dan. Dale was a Shodan (first level black) but would soon do the grading for Nidan and pass the test, and then a few years later pass the grading for Sandan, or third level black belt. I remember his Sensei mentioning that perhaps the JKA would give him a fourth Dan posthumously, but that never happened.

Anyway, this karate event took place at someone's home, in their backyard. Almost all training took place in the dojo, but on this day they'd planned a training event and BBQ and wanted pics taken for the newspaper and for future advertising efforts.

If I remember correctly, it was at this party when I first started noticing that Dale was different than everyone else. Most of my readers know that Dale had become an alcoholic before his death but this was the year we'd planned our wedding and I was so much in love that the red flag was barely even noticeable.

At any rate, hours after this pic was taken, everyone else sat around visiting and having a beer, but Dale seemed to be drinking faster and getting drunk while everyone else had a social drink. Eventually I pulled him away to drive him home, and I remember asking him, "didn't you realize that no one else was getting drunk? It wasn't that type of gathering."

I remember feeling embarrassed for him, because he was their Sensei. Everyone at that party bowed to him (literally and figuratively), he was their leader. I remember feeling scared for myself because at the time, he saw nothing wrong with that kind of behaviour and it was so obvious that our hosts (who were college professors with an immaculate home and yard) had no idea how to handle the situation.

I guess that the signs were always there, even if I chose not to see them.

reading week

2010-02-18T09:30:00.003-07:00

For the last several months we've been trying to catch up that one mortgage payment that fell behind over the summer and it's been so frustrating! As soon as it looks like we'll be able to do it, we'll get a utility bill that needs to be paid immediately - like the gas bill we got on Monday, for $335. Of course, that's for December & January. The current one is a little lower, thank goodness.

Moving on.

This week is Reading Week at the college which means no classes. Although I have homework on 1.7 (negative exponents) I've been working every day and haven't finished it. You know, I used to think that someone in college could work three evenings a week, back when I was hiring and scheduling college students! Now I realize that for every class you take you get at least an hour of homework, and I wonder how many employees I stressed out? Hopefully not many.

I just can't wait until I qualify for some kind of living allowance. Eight to twenty hours of work isn't enough, but anything over that interferes with my marks. Next semester should be a lot better!

teenage angst and me

2010-02-13T10:58:00.004-07:00

Saturday mornings aren't usually a quiet time around here and today is no exception. Getting a twelve year to clean her room and do her laundry while she tries to play Sims on her PS2 can be a little frustrating. If it weren't for the thirty or forty minutes between cycles I'd make her keep busy with something else. *sigh*

This particular age is frustrating to begin with because I find myself repeating what I've said over and over and I don't remember doing this before. To be honest, Jamie was (and still is) pretty lazy throughout her teenage years. She'd hear what I said but choose to ignore it. With Em, she'll do what I ask but make me crazy in the process.

I know that some parenting experts say leave them alone and let them face the concequences, but every parent knows that the consequence takes more of your energy than just making them do what they're supposed to in the first place. In my case, this means going over (again & again) why lights need to be separated from darks, why sheets need to be washed regularly, and why using two different towels every day means you'll be doing an extra load of laundry when it comes time to do your chores on Saturday.

Thankfully, Em has a hair appointment this afternoon and that will be fun for her and save the day for all of us, because she'll look and feel great after a colour and cut.

Isn't it amazing what a beauty day can do?

it's baaaaack

2010-02-11T19:07:00.003-07:00

I've mentioned before that I've had a few paranormal things going on this house. For Bill and I, it was someone/something fooling around with the water temperature in the shower. For Jamie, it was two different entities; one that seemed female and lonely, and would curl up against her shoulder at night, and the other seemed male and pre-adolescent. That one used to push her when she made her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. For Lola, it meant she couldn't go into the kitchen, or if she was feeling particularly brave (to get at Tokyo's food dish) she had to back out. Quickly.

Eventually we grew tired of dealing with everything and Bill said prayers, upstairs and down. If we "felt" anything, we'd reiterate that they had to move on. A website I joined said that poltergeists were often formed/caused/brought on by female teenaged angst, and Em is twelve so I thought perhaps it was that, let it go and didn't think of it for months.

Then last week, someone/something threw water in my face as I was coming out of the bathroom. Not a lot, just a few drops that splashed against my cheek and across my forearm. I thought Em or Jamie or Bill was messing with me, but the kids weren't around and Bill was making the bed. When I asked him he replied, "were the droplets really cold, as though they came out of the fridge?"

"Yes!"

"It's happened to me, twice. Let's not talk about it. I don't want to invite this thing at all or seem open-minded one bit."

Still, it makes me wonder if I bring this on by thinking so much about Dale. Tomorrow is his birthday, or what would have been his 42nd birthday, so he's been on my mind.

Any thoughts?

my history of fashion

2010-02-07T10:42:00.010-07:00

I believe that my mother ingrained my love for clothing and fashion. I remember being a little girl and sitting at her dressing table in her bedroom when I was maybe four, or five. She had little pots of eyeshadow in blue and green and really cool lipsticks. When I finished snooping around there I'd go into her closet where she had little gold and silver go-go dresses, black patent and white leather sandals. I remember asking once, why are the white ones at the very back? That was the first time I'd ever heard that white was reserved for Spring and Summer.

When I was six I had a little traveling suit that I wore when I visted our Grandmother in Vancouver. It was a peach coloured shift dress that had a peach argyle jacket and matching hat. I had white tights and mary-janes that completed the outfit and I loved it even more than the little green vinyl shift dress that I'd worn for Christmas in 1970, when I was five.

Years later, after Mom & Dad broke up and we were living in Alberta. I bought my first pair of high heeled shoes when I was fourteen. They were knock offs of the famous Candies Disco Slide. I bought them in brown and wore them with a brown pencil skirt and a brown and tan plaid boyfriend blazer, and felt completely gown up and stylish!

If I could have worn those every day I would have. Instead, due to the harsh Alberta winters, I had to wear these:

I hated those boots, but would not be allowed on the bus without "proper footwear", so I would wear my high top converse sneakers (in purple!) and carry these over my shoulder.

After graduating from high school I worked at the local hotel in the restaurant, and wore my high waisted jeans with a variety of blouses. Most were very form ftting with asymetrical button closures and mutton sleeves, but my favourite was made from green plaid and had at least twenty buttons.

New Years Eve was huge for me when I was in my early twenties, and my favourite outfit of all time was a dress that I designed and my mother sewed. It was made from black taffeta and consisted of a high waisted pencil skirt with shoulder straps and a long sleeved tuxedo-styled bolero jacket. I finished it off with knee high black leather boots and gloves, a red satin purse, and a red satin bow tie.

Over the years I've had other favourite outfits, but most of them consist of pencil skirts and high heeled slingbacks.I'm a sucker for a well made jacket or interesting bag and LOVE a sexy boot, but I need to work on my casual wardrobe for school. This is the first time in more than a few years where I've needed to work on jeans, blouses and casual jackets, and it's been kind of fun so far. Who knew that I would fall in love with interesting scarves?!

my specs!

2010-02-04T18:45:00.005-07:00

my new reading glasses

I hate to admit it, but I have to use reading glasses if I want to see anything up close!

I actually wear bi-focal contact lenses, which gives me distance vision, then wear reading glasses (purchased at Chapters for $16.99) to see anything up close. I don't mind, now that I have gotten into a routine (they MUST stay in the same place inside my purse AT ALL TIMES or they get lost)

Also, can you tell I had a glycolic peel yesterday? My sister did one for $10.00 because she is almost finished her esthetics course. My skin doesn't feel different, but everyone says it looks "brighter."

Excellent! I've been using anti-aging products and services for at least fifteen years and think they are totally worth it.

p.s. I know, I know! I can't smile to save my life, even though I am in a good mood.

letters to Dale

2010-02-03T18:37:00.003-07:00

One would think, especially after almost eight years, that the letters I write to Dale (in my head, usually when driving or walking) would lessen, but they really haven't. And many of the reasons I have not blogged as much as I used to is because I often think my readers would grow tired of it, and there's only so much I can write and rewrite, etc. etc. Perhaps in my old blog (I am a journalspace refugee) but I think that many of the people who read this one don't know all the stories. I've been thinking that it's time to retell some of them.

Today I attended my regular math class at the college, then caught a bus downtown for some bloodwork, then walked over to the restaurant that I was working in when I first met Dale. It brought back a lot of memories.

February 3rd, 2010

Dear Dale,

I know I haven't written in a long time, but I've been thinking of you a lot and I'm sure you already know that! Anyway, today I went into DINO'S, can you believe it? I know, I know. I always said that I'd never go back to that place after walking out in 1995, but I've softened a lot in the last few years.

I sat down in the lounge and ordered my old regular (1/2 order of lasagna with feta cheese, remember?) and after a few moments, Mike came out to sit with me. I always loved Mike. His hair has a lot more gray in it, and he doesn't work as much as he used to because he's busy enjoying his grandchildren (from Little Helen! Nico hasn't married yet) Elpis seems to have gotten a little nicer too. I guess granchildren can do that, lol.

Anyway, Mike talked about you a lot. He says he remembers when he first noticed that you were sick, because your skin had started to go yellow. He says you used to come in and shoot the shit for a bit, have a shot of ouzo. Elpis asked me, did you drink til the end? And I was so relieved being able to say no, you quit just after your 35th birthday, eight months before you died. What a gift! To this day I am both amazed that you could do it and sad that you couldn't do it sooner. But we won't get into that.

You probably know that acceptance was hard for me, even after I fell in love with Bill. It has only been the last few years that I could accept that you'd died. I must have imagined you off working somewhere, like in the first few months after Jamie and I moved into that apartment. From the front steps I could see across the field separating Clearview and Mitchener and I always imagined that behind those trees, you were still living in the duplex. I imagined you walking Lucy, doing kata, working, getting clean.

Enough of that.

I turned 45 on Sunday - isn't that surreal?! And I am taking a math class at the college, so yes, you were right about my having to bite the bullet and just do it. It took a few years but I am doing just that! Now that my career as a retail manager is over (as well as my career as a Financial Advisor) I have no choice but to do it. Today as I was walking past the Engineers wing, I thought of you and how badly you wanted to attend Simon Fraser University in Vancouver and how you never got the chance, and I was profoundly grateful that I do. I am profoundly grateful for the life I'm living now.

Love Kathy

p.s. Al started training again! I know this because of Facebook, but then again, FB wasn't around in 2001, was it? Anyway, it's a great way to keep in touch.

I ♥ this

2010-01-21T18:54:00.002-07:00

bag by Guess

I finally had some time to take a picture of my new bag. It'd been over a year since I was able to get something like this but it was well worth the wait!

Today after class I went for tutoring, since the college offers it for free. Two hours later and I think I have the hang of multiplying fractions. Dayum! No wonder I was confused in high school - you really need to pay close attention to detail.

I'm cutting this short so that I can read a few blogs before supper. Have a great night!

bags and girl bonding

2010-01-17T09:59:00.004-07:00

photo by Piotr Myrlak

The weather has been beautiful for the last week, and that has made a huge difference in my day, since I paid for my math class instead of putting a down payment on a car. At the time, I wondered if I would come to regret it but so far I haven't.

In the morning I walk to the end of my street to get on the bus and it drops me off a few feet from the front door, after I finish my homework at college (I cannot do homework here, there is too much activity that directly involves me) I walk out to the bus stop again. I've got the timing down pat and rarely have to wait, and to be honest, the thought of starting a car in the morning, scraping the windshield, paying for a parking pass, and trying to find a spot in the lot have been keeping me from saving the money.

Well, that and the fact that I was dying for a new purse and a haircut, lol.

I saw Carla on Friday, for the first time in almost eight months. Carla is my stylist and has been for almost five years - she's the only one I've ever found that can cut my bangs razor sharp and straight across. She set up a shop in her house last year and charges me $40, and I was really thrilled to see her. She took at least four inches off the bottom, added some layers, and flat ironed it into perfection.

I'm not sure why we hit it off so well but I think it's because we have had so many of the same experiences. She's a plus sized girl but has been losing weight; she's in love with an alcoholic but won't see him very much while he's actively boozing and because of this she experiences a lot of the despair and loneliness, and she lost her dad last year to cancer. He was 47.

She actually made me cry talking about Dale, which hasn't happened in awhile. It's the way she talks about the loss, I think; matter-of-factly and sad. "It never goes away, does it?" she'd asked. "You think it has," I answered, "then you can picture them as clear as day, healthy, with bright blue eyes and you can see how much they loved you and you realize once again what a huge loss it was. Then it hits you like a ton of bricks."

"No shit. I always feel better after talking to you, hon." By the way, Carla is the only person that I allow to call me "hon". Actually, most of the time she calls me Dahling, but I don't mind, which is odd for me.

I have to take a pic of my new purse! It was my gift to myself the day before I quit Winners, and I'm really liking it!

It's the little things.